She is a mess, she literally has to be peeled off the floor, her hair is matted with tears, her eyes longing to tell a story that would be the bridge of miscommunication taking place, but yet there she is in her room, screaming at decibels that make you feel like the piece of sanity you reserve in your back pocket was just pick pocketed from you…

The battle of the wills is in full swing in our home. So much so that Richard fully walks in the door at 4 pm and knows that he will be meet with an expression on my face that says, “welcome home!…your turn!”

I will hear the door open and then a gentle voice as the door is closed behind him. How does he do it? Maybe its because he is only around them for 3-4 hours each day, not ALL day like me. Maybe its because her emotional instability genetically comes from him. Maybe its because he fully grasps her life with CF and in return musters up the strength to completely get down to her level and peel her off the floor and hold her so tight and just long enough for her to tell him “i don’t know how to stop”.

This is our life right now. Tantrums, explosive ones that rattle you and can fully take your fun family day and chuck it out the window leaving shattered glass to pick up and cut your finders on.

We sat down last night and tried to figure out what is going on with her. As the tears and frustration finally soaked my shirt, I realized that I have been asking so much from her right now. I am aware, yes thanks to my mom, husband and the rare brave friends, that I tend to have a “suck it up and move on” way of dealing with things. Its a coping mechansim, it is the way I have dealt with stressors in my life since the time I can remember…thanks to some genetic gifts my mom gave me.

I have taken her burden and in a twisted way made it mine, analyzed it, and come up with a logical way to deal with it. Leaving her to come up against a mom that isn’t always grace giving when her 4 yr old self can’t comprehend why she has to do therapy again since it “takes FOR-EVER” or why mom is making her eat another calorie packed snack when all she wants is a bag of chips. I have made her life full of awareness of the things she CAN’T do because of CF and not focused on the things we can still do, limited, but still there.

Richard and I have realized she feels alone, different, and set apart. We wonder if she feels punished? She lets us know when she is frustrated with her to do list that centers on CF. We have failed her, even with the best intentions, we have allowed fear to dictate how we approach CF.

Fear, that ugly beast has been the one steering the boat.

Fear finds it’s way into my heart, mind, and soul. It doesn’t need to break down walls, it doesn’t need to look for shaky foundations, it knows just how and where it will find a door willingly open to it.

I found myself, lying in bed, crying, getting out the things that have been wrecking with my life. I dried my eyes, after my uncomfortable episode of emotions and went and hugged her, kissed her forhead, kissed the small of her neck, and told her I loved her, just to again be reminded as I licked the salt off my lips, that found their way on there from her body expelling it before it can do what its suppose to do, that she is different. She has been asked to fight a fight that isn’t fair and many times by her very own mom.

I found my breath taken away yesterday, I fought the nagging my husband gave me when asking what was eating at me. I fought saying the words out loud. In just a few jumbled words, my husband found out that the grief I had was because of remorse and guilt, flooding the walls of my heart because of the death of a little girl over the weekend who lost her battle to CF. Just 6 yrs old. Screw you CF!!! To see that she left behind a massive void in her two sisters, a brother, and faith believing parents’ lives, the very makeup of our family, destroyed me. Her parents called on their friends, family, and anyone pulled to their daughter’s story, to pray as she battled the many different ways CF plagues a person’s life.

Her battle began, lingered, victories came, and they praised God.

Her health declined in a blink and they waited for victories with no hope, but they praised God.

Her life ended without being able to say goodbye, and they praised God.

So this friday, March 7, as her family places her body in the ground they do it with the knowledge that their child is being held in our maker’s arms. They do it knowing that the difficult road she walked for the last 6 yrs is over and God is saying “well done”. They have asked people to wear purple on friday. In remembrance of their child and all those fighting CF. Some are going to wear purple with hearts embittered with anger, some are going to wear purple with fear dancing around them as they look at their own CF family member, and then some like the Harney family will wear CF because of the hope we are fighting to hold, the faith that is tested with each wave of CF and the promise we have that the story God has written for Ezzy is perfect.

As i drape the dark purple shirt over my head, I will begin to fervently start calling on God to make Ezzy’s story EPIC, life-giving, and so long that it would need to be a book series. As I drape the shirt over my heart, I will ask God to teach me to let it all go, to stop telling her to suck it up, since I’m sucking it up, but instead say, “I know this is hard baby, how can I help you?” As I drape it over the little life growing inside me, I will pray that God is faithful in giving her another sibling to stand beside her as she fights to be a survivor and not a victim.

If you feel it pressing on your heart to join us friday, let me know! You can send a FB pic, text me (9078210204), email me (sarahmayharney@gmail.com) or stop by if you are healthy. She loves it when we wear our “Ezzy shirts”, she smiles when we tell her its ALL for her. I want her to know she isn’t alone, I want her to know that what is being asked of her is hard, but that there are people who love her and standing with her.

I just went in for a recent checkup for baby#4. We talked about the concerns I have been having and then talked about how fast time is going. You know its going fast when your OB even thinks that things are flying. Baby girl, even with moving around and trying to kick the doppler, still has her normal 140 heartbeat. It’s steady and seems to resemble the mold God is making her in. I find that the times she reminds me she is in there is when its finally quiet, when her LOUD siblings are in bed, outside playing or I’m driving in the car by myself. It’s in those moments I will feel her twist and turn and maybe even breathe a sigh like I am as we settle in our few moments of peace from the rest of our family. I wonder at times will she be our quiet one? Out of her own nature or because of the pecking order? I wonder if she will run and hide in my arms when I myself am overwhelmed with the volume and activity my family makes.

You see I crave stability, I crave quiet, I crave the moments when I can hear my own heart beat, when I can listen to the stillness that comes with going into my prayer or bible study time. This I know for sure, came from my momma, so now I wonder will she too repeat history and carry this need on?

Richard and I were recently discussing a verse I heard. It is in Genesis 2:23, its when God reveals to Adam the creation of woman. I was telling Richard that I found it interesting that the VERY first mention of romance is so black and white. Adam doesn’t grovel, doesn’t specifically state the beauty of her hair, eyes, her womanly shape, or list every single description us women long for when we seek our mates’ approval. Instead it says he exclaimed, “At last! This one is bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh”.

I asked Richard his thoughts, since after someone posted a very amusing link on FB for a fake add for a man and woman translator device, I realize how much we think and communicate differently.

Richard told me, “of course he said that, he looked at her and saw his reflection, and saw that she was his, bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh”, how ultimately Adam already “knew” Eve. He told me that was the most romantic thing he could have ever said. Adam understood in that moment that she was his and everything about her was made to complete him. He also told me it means that Adam, instinctively knew Eve’s heart. Wow…if I really think about it, Richard does know my heart, when HE is centered in God and looking to him to lead me.

Geez, I’m thankful for him today. I’m thankful that when I have a hard time understanding things, that I can rely on his perspective to ground me. To pull me out of my over emotional moments that can at times drive my thinking.

I have found that one blessing from getting up early and doing my bible study this week is seeing him before he leaves for work. When I was training for the half marathon we had breakfast every morning together. Since having my amnio and having a few health issues I haven’t been able to follow my much desired workouts. But now I find that I need to see him early in the morning. That I need to stand in the kitchen, tucked in his arms and just breathe him in. I have found that these last two crazy insane weeks aren’t over yet, and have pushed us to our limits, but just the simple act of holding each other is keeping us on the same team, even if we forget that we are from time to time.

After dwelling on this verse and thinking about how Adam exclaimed “at last” when he saw Eve, I realize that I want that to be how Richard sees me.

Those two words meant that Adam knew something was missing.

I started to then think about the very bones that are growing inside my womb, the very flesh that is slowly changing from translucent to pink. I can relate to what Richard said about the love, the ownership adam felt for eve. Because I love this little girl that is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. I would do anything for her, I long for her even though she is with me everywhere I go. Just like I love her siblings that challenge me, push me to my limits everyday, but yet know how to wedge themselves in-between my frustration and complete unconditional love for them. This little girl is what we have been missing and we never even knew it. I’m still processing the fact that even though the very thought of four children under the age of six TERRIFIES me, that somehow I know we all need her.

Today I am going to dwell on the fact that God said HE created us in His image, which means that HE equipped us with LOVE that knows no bounds. It means that when the going gets tough, when unexpected changes come to our family, when bullies are picking on Cayden at school, when Ezzy can’t seem to reign her emotions in, and when Kyre decides to constantly taste life and all it has to offer, that in the midst of it all God comes to remind us that HE loves us and the spouses, the little lives HE gives us are there to show us HE knows our hearts and needs. Even though families look different from one to another, each design is specific, based on each families need.

Just 14 more weeks till baby girl is due to be here. We are excited and yet also glad there is still time before she comes. We have recently realized we have work that needs to be done on our family, that we need to be more grounded in the word in order to help ground our children in God. We have them come early on sunday mornings to help setup church and they enjoy doughnuts for breakfast, praying that showing not telling them, how to have servants hearts, will make a diffrence.

So for now, our goal is to keep trying to let our kids know we desperately need them. We have been failing at this recently with the stress levels that seem to be unavoidable, but thankfully we have a chance to make this right. Thank goodness for God’s grace, because without it we would have thrown the towel in a long time ago on this whole marriage or parenting thing! We have a chance to let our babies know, the we “know” them, their hearts and their needs, because they are bone of our bones, and flesh of our flesh.

John 15:13 “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Well the snow is falling and the girls and I are slowly recovering from our intense morning with our toyo stove. Glad to say our dog did her job and thanks to her I grabbed the girls, my phone, and ran outside with little time to realize that I didn’t have a bra or snow attire on. We figured out the issue and are back inside our toasty house, thankful to not end our day with a visit from some firemen…

Valentines Day totally snuck up on us this year, if it wasn’t for the friendly reminder from Cayden’s teacher, we probably wouldn’t have realized it till people started to put up all their status updates filled with acts of love they gave or received.

Really, our lives are that busy that even with a calendar on all our smart devices, calendar on the desk at work, and my Duck Dynasty calendar hanging in my dining room filled with reminders of all the different ways our family is being pulled, we still managed to space this holiday.

I had the pleasure of watching my son thoughtful write out his classmates’ names and would see a smile come across his face. Being the nosy mom I am, I would ask him why he was smiling. He then would share with me his silly stories or experiences he has had with the person that caused him to smile. The change to his new school hasn’t been easy, but it was one we couldn’t avoid. I am thankful that he is adapting, he is able to comprehend the reasons and he still musters up the courage to go each day. He has made friends, but reminds us on a daily basis that he isn’t learning anything and wishes he could learn about God like he use to at his old school. I still see the foundation we have been building in him, help him with challenges, thankfully. I still see a loving tender boy who made sure to save two valentines for his sisters, who hasn’t let the vastly different learning environment change him to the core.

I had a text message from my aunt a few weeks ago. We have grown closer over the years, and make an effort to be present in one another’s lives, even if time only allows a text, we will still make the effort. Since her and I are cut from the same cloth and seem to have been given the goggles that see the world’s problems and can’t seem to say no when we have an opportunity to help, we know how precious time is. She sent it to me at 5:30 in the morning, thanks to the time change. But her message was sweet, telling me that I popped in her head and she had to tell me she loved me. The strange part is that she was in my dreams that night, she was actually the first person on my heart when I woke. I shared this with her and we agreed that we needed to pray for one another, after sharing our prayer lists.

How many times have you had someone cross your mind? How many times have you acted on it? How many times have you brushed it aside and said, I’ll get to that later?

Honestly I am really failing at those things right now. I can blame school, my two jobs, my role as wife and mother, or the fact I’m pregnant. I could stand here and say my life is just too busy and justify my unwillingness to see outside of myself. Well today I realize I can’t do that anymore. That I have piled my plate too full, I have said yes too many times, and I have allowed excuses to justify my selfish actions when it comes to maintaining relationships.

I had to apologize a few weeks ago to a friend and say sorry for hiding out. That I had gone into my survival mode, which consists of me somewhat dropping off the face of the earth and causes my vulnerability in communication to cut off. Some might say, what’s the problem with that? But when my main social interaction is superficial, thanks to the world of social media and not actually involving a text or heck a phone call, then there is a problem. Our communication has become so stale, so impersonal that we now find texts or emails to suffice when expressing our emotions and thoughts. We convince ourselves that we can approach serious matters through a text message and think it will resolve something…I recently had a mentor tell me to NEVER fall into this trap…opps to late, been there done that and I’ll tell you what it made things worse! There use to be a time when we wrote letter, made the effort to find stationary, a stamp and get our butts inside a Post Office. There use to be a time when we would pick up a phone and call one another and hear each other’s hearts and tone when sharing our lives. There use to be a time when relationships grew during face to face time, not through endless texts that can be potentially misread into because we can’t see the body language or tone being used on the other side. But those times are gone, we know live in a world that we say a text or fb message is enough to keep a relationship thriving and growing.

What is wrong with us?!?

I am the BIGGEST offender of this. I have lived my live through these easy modes of communication. In all honesty due to life with Ezzy. My social life died the day we were told CF was our future. But I have allowed that to be my crutch, my excuse to not picking up the phone, for not standing in line and sending a birthday card to my dear friend who is working and pregnant, but still found time to send me one, for not calling another friend who is getting ready to walk down the isle next month…

I need to thank the friend who told me she misses me today, but decided to lovingly call me SUPERWOMAN. She told me that the offer for coffee will always be there until our schedules finally match, she told me that she knows I’m crazy busy, but she atleast told me she missed me. Do you have friends like that? Well if you do CHERISH them, take the time to say thank you to them, thank you for not discarding you when your list of excuses allow you to forget about them and their feelings!

So as we approach Valentines Day tomorrow, what are you going to do? Are you going to see it as just another day or are you going to get over yourself and sent a belated card to someone who needs to know they are on your heart, will you call and get flowers delivered to someone who is recently alone on the holiday, will you stop running around the house trying to attack your to do list and bend down to kiss and hug your child who is playing quietly on their own because they recognize that “crazy” determined look in your eyes that means your “too busy” to come and play with them?

All I know is that pesky paper that is due monday evening for me, the piles of laundry that are making our rooms stink, the floors that haven’t been mopped in a month, and the meeting I need to prep for tonight is going to have to wait. I need to be still and not ignore the people God has laid on my heart, I need to evaluate the relationships that might be slipping, but most of all I need to be present with my little princess who just asked me to come and sit with her while she watches Peppa the Pig, while sissy naps.

I have been seeking God recently on failures that have been placed at my feet. I have asked HIM to show me what are truths and what are lies. But more importantly I have asked him to give me a heart after him, one that resembles the commandments He gave us when He said:

Mark 12:31 “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.”

So I have realized that I haven’t been as efficient on getting the results of the chromosomal test out to you all…after a few friends anxious to start their knitting projects or hit the sale racks for the sweet little baby that is now the size of a banana asking, I realize I left some people hanging who want to know now!  I’m blessed by those who have been waiting to find out how to help us resupply the baby necessities we got rid after being done!

I of course got the call after Richard left for a busy week in Anchorage for work.  I knew that he would be gone when we got the results and in some ways was ok with it, because if it was news he wasn’t going to be too thrilled about then I wouldn’t be so heartbroken by seeing his reaction.
When I received the call, I immediately texted him and told him the results were in…I wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it for himself or if a text would suffice.  Well, being ever impatient to know if there would be another little buddy to take on hunting trips I was told to hand over the info ASAP.

I was hesitant, I have felt the pressure ever since we first told Cayden and without him spending time processing the news of a new sibling turned to me with a stern serious face and said “that better be a boy in there”.  I have watched him suffer through his sisters’ never ending supplies of babies and princess dresses take over every inch of our home.  I have watched Richard’s frustration level rise when the girls are in shambles because he can’t for some reason understand why the current state of their being calls for an “end of the world” reaction.

To say that daddy’s reaction to the news wasn’t unexpected, let alone his little mini me, would be a lie.  They both reacted the way I had expected, but had hoped would find the will power to not show the “sensitive” pregnant lady.

Cayden’s tears and pure heartbreak was soon smeared all over daddy’s shirt after we decided to share with the kids the news once daddy was home.  I soon realized that his reaction was the very way his daddy had wished he could have gotten away with.

I felt the need to tell Cayden what was on my heart after I allowed him to grieve all the dreams of having a buddy to go and run away from the house that oozes with pink, barbies, and a constant unstable emotional environment.  I told him that God must think he is pretty tough guy, since it will be a lot of work to look after 3 little ladies.  He gave me a snarling look and asked what he would have to do.  I told him that there will be boys who want to date them, there will be mean people who will pick on them, and there will be times when they lack the right judgment when choosing friends.  As I saw the wheels turning, I saw the disappointment laced with anger soon fade.  Because let’s face it, Cayden is the kid who comes running when they are crying and he isn’t the root of the problem.  Cayden is the one who can raise his voice super high when trying to calm down number 20 out of 100 emotional meltdown.  Cayden is the child who will pack his Newsom bunny for Ezzy in her bag when she has a Seattle appointment.

I decided to let the older Harney man decompress the news that he was going to have yet another girl to care for.  I knew that I could cross the line and try to be the conviction he needed, but thank God I was able to hold my tongue and let God speak to him.

A few days later we were watching one of our favorite shows, Modern Family.  The older daughter in a play of control decides to date a ridiculously older disgusting man to tick her dad off.  The mom tells him to not react, because the more he pushes the more the daughter will date the creep.  He finally reaches his maximum and decides to deliver this heartfelt speech to his wife before going and rescuing his daughter, little does he know his daughter is standing right behind him, tears in her eyes because she thought he didn’t care about the blatant horrible choices she was making.

I turned and saw my husband’s face and in that moment knew that God had done his work.  I looked at him, I myself overcome with the emotions that wrap around my very hard teenage years spent searching for unconditional love and acceptance from men.  I told him, “honey to you see the amazing calling God has placed on your life?”  “do you see that he really trusts you to be their leader, their head of their home until the day you walk them down the isle?”.  I told him how he has to be their knight, their love of their lives until they decide to replace him with the man they are going to marry.  I told him it is going to be a difficult road, but if he does it right; he will have 3 beautiful, strong, secure girls who approach womanhood with self-confidence and self-worth, which will stop them from making mistakes their momma made.

So as we are gearing up for yet another Harney girl, I am feeling immensely blessed.  Blessed that I have another little girl to experience the unconditional love that my Harney men give without strings attached.  Blessed that my girls will grow up knowing they don’t need to compromise themselves to feel loved and accepted because their daddy and brother will fill those shoes until they meet the men we have prayed for them.  Blessed because with this little girl coming along I can’t help but realize that even though I spent many painful years searching for the LOVE I didn’t get, God in his wonderful sent me a man who has given me more love then I deserve. 

I can’t help but see God honoring Richard, knowing that he understands his important role to teach Cayden what sacrificial love is and to model it to his girls.

And because I can’t sing his praises enough already he came up with the idea to ask my mom to name our sweet baby girl.  He said with all the support she gives us that we should honor her, honor all that she is to us. So if you ask us what her name is we will have to say, “um, ask my mom”.  We can’t wait to find out what name she is praying about and dreaming about as we watch my belly grow and realize that I’m over half way there before holding our 3rd Harney girl!

The morning of the amnio I was a ball of nerves. We had stayed up till almost midnight the night prior, thanks to trying to running around and getting all our shopping done before I wouldn’t be able to walk around and carry things after. As we walked through target I couldn’t help but look at the baby stuff and soon became overwhelmed with the thought that we were having to start over. We were D-O-N-E after Kyre, we would find homes for the baby supplies we had acquired over the years as soon as Kyre achieved another milestone. Most of all I was consumed with worry, concerned they were going to find some physical abnormality during the ultrasound and that the amnio would have negative side effects.

We got into the car, just as the sun was starting to peek over the mountains. I felt the nudging to pray over our day. To help us find our way to our various pitstops and to make sure we got to the amnio appointment in time. All of a sudden we heard a little voice pipe up after we finished praying, “God, thank you for letting me see the baby and thank you for not letting the baby be sick, Amen”. I was immediately convicted of her faith, how she was able to claim health over the baby, that she didn’t need to ask for it, but instead thanked God before knowing the outcome.

Richard was determined to get me some GF baked goods while in Seattle and we found a little bakery by Pikes Place and decided to swing by before heading to the barge with all our goodies we found in the “real” world. It was interesting to see Pike’s Place in a different light. There were barely any people walking the streets, just a few business men. We watched as the shops were opening their doors, setting up their beautiful produce, placing out their fresh seafood, all mixed with the aroma of fresh baked goods. It was a nice distraction, I savored every morsel of my zucchini muffin, but was unable to express my disappointment in the fact I didn’t get a doughnut. The bakery we researched was closed, so we had to go to a different one that was half GF half regular baked goods.

We had the chance to grab a quick bite at the cafeteria in the hospital before trying to quiet our nerves for the next few hours. We had a less then enthusiastic Radiology tech, who didn’t find the need to look for the gender of the baby, she briefly glanced over it and made a quick guess and moved on. Admist our frustration, after flying a distance to get there, we remained focused on seeing that the baby had 10 toes, 10 fingers, that its bowels were ok. We were then ushered into another room and prepped for the procedure. The moment had finally come and I was yet again faced with a “very big needle” as my 4 yr old says. My ever curious 4 yr who has spent her life in hospitals and doctor appointments couldn’t help herself and decided to explore the sterile equipment…after profusely apologizing, we soon were prepped again with new equipment. The procedure was painful, I recall the nurse telling me to breathe. Kyre’s amnio was unpleasant, but I would have not used painful to describe it. This time it hurt…I felt like a whimp, but the next day the bruise that graced my belly confirmed why it was different this time.

The genetic counselor told us to plan for a 3 week wait for the CF results and a 2 week wait for the chromosomal test results. The chromosomal test would at least allow us to start prepping for baby, since the ultrasound left questions as to whether or not daddy and cayden would be throwing a party or pity party.

Well, the call just came…crazy right, it hasn’t even been 2 weeks. After hearing the news I quickly dried my eyes and headed back to the HiHo Cheerio game that had been interrupted by the long distance call. I knew that I had two little girls waiting, ever perceptive to emotions, and I needed to reign mine in.

You see the news was shocking, I found myself verbally questioning the caller, and then soon realized that the future we had been planning for now had a different outcome. This little life growing inside of me, doesn’t have CF, nor is it a carrier of CF, like richard, myself and Kyre.

I didn’t know how to react, how to share the news. I found myself holding on to it, until I could reach richard. I had built walls and started to plan for life with two CFers, I questioned my capability to care for them when Ezzy started school and inevitably ended up sick due to all the other sick kids, while trying to protect a fragile CF newborn.

We are more then thankful for the countless people who have stood by us this pregnancy, who have shared kind words, who quite possibly held in their brief negative thoughts, and those who have taken it upon themselves to pray for us. To know we are bringing a life into the world that isn’t coming with an expiration date is music to the ears of parents who hate expiration dates.

As we prepare to have this little one, we pray we will have the right skills, words, and ways to relay to our child who has been set apart. The child who will soon grow up and realize she has 3 siblings with a different life and vast opportunities. The fear that she will resent them won’t go away from my mind, how could it…because I at times resent families who have a normal life, with normal healthy children. But as my mom reminded me last night, Ezzy has never wished her life on anyone. It was her little 3 yr old heart that thanked God in her night time prayers that cayden didn’t have CF. It was her discerning heart that told us she didn’t want anymore babies in our family because she worried they would be sick. Now it is her 4 year old heart, that told us at dinner time last night that “God heard my prayer all the way up in the sky”.

So as we embark on this journey deviated from the doom and gloom we prepared for, we are doing it with joyous hearts, but with reservation, with hope that we will not let Ezzy feel set apart in a bad way, that her life with CF, the one person in a family a 6, won’t be something she allows define her but instead, sees it as a special time. Times that allow her to be spoiled at each CF appointment while walking down the isles of Target to pick out a toy, to know daddy will cave when she sheds a tear and demands to be held while doing her vest on a busy morning, how she knows brother will hand over the IPAD when she doesn’t feel well when laying on the couch, how Kyre will sit with her and bring every item she wants when doing her 4th treatment of the day when sick, or how mommy will feed her non-stop when she says she is “starving” and the impending dinner “will take for-ever”.

Ezzy for whatever reason, God has set you apart, He has yet again called you to something we didn’t expect, a life different from all of us. But we hold on to the fact that you know deep down inside you were created for this life and the compassion you are instilled with will never run dry. Because you one day will see that being set apart is a high calling, one that many of us will never be called to because we lack the strength you possess.

So I have been putting off writing this post, I could blame the business of the season, the fact I’m just getting over a cold, or the blame the simple fact I’m pregnant and have 3 kids to care for and I’m just plain tired. But if I had to be honest, I have dreaded writing this. Its not fair, its not her fault, but I do feel guilt that I couldn’t wait to write about her brother and sister and what their birthdays meant to me after some time of reflection. Just sitting here I feel the dampness on my cheeks, the bleeding wounded heart seeping and the bitterness mixed with gratefulness if that makes sense…so here I go

Ezrah May you are 4 years old! You have been patiently waiting for the month “Cember”, you have told people in the grocery store, people who have stopped by to pick things up on salecycle, or stopped those people in church whom you love and made sure they all knew your birthday was looming. After proudly announcing your older age, you then state, “I’m going to cool (school) with Cayden!”. You can’t wait to grow up, it wasn’t to long ago when we were talking about going to college with your brother and having him reply he did NOT want to move away from us, that you without missing a beat said, “I’m going to move away!” There was so much determination in your voice that it caught your father and I off guard. It broke our hearts in more ways then you could understand.

You have so many goals right now, for only being four. I’m thankful that you got the dreaming gene from your father, that the world isn’t always in black and white like it is for me. You need to dream little one, because when you have dreams, it means you have a hope and future. Those are two very big things to cling to on this journey God has called you on. Admist your dreams, I sense a seriousness about you, and discernment in your soul that you know you that you NEED to make goals and dream big. There is a look in your eyes when you talk earnestly about your future, that makes me stop what I am doing and listen. You love to tell me your dreams, in fact you feel them so intensely that you will at times have tears in your eyes after sharing them with me or nana. You can tell a story and show me that you at times live in another world, maybe as a coping mechanism.

Your sweet spirit, that doesn’t always grace us has been my friend this month. Maybe God knew I needed some joy, I needed a reason to just sit and smile with you, instead of muttering things under my breath about the life He has called you too. I have been told on a daily basis this month, “mom you are the best mom in the WHOLE house!”. Hey, I’ll take any complements from you, since most of the time your critiques on my parenting do not reflect those sentiments. I have found you running to lay in my arms and not daddy’s on occasions that would have sent you running to him.

I also had the pleasure of watching you stand in front of the waitress at the restaurant after your birthday dinner and look up at her with your big brown eyes, holding your baby in your arms, and saying “thank you for dessert!, it was SO yummy!”, without any suggestion from your manner driven mom.

I have found relief in your joy surrounding the growing baby in my belly. It has been a welcomed difference from the state of mind you had last year about having more children. You surprised us when you told us you didn’t want us to have anymore kids, after hearing your brother beg for more. You simply stated you didn’t, “want another baby”, that you didn’t, “want the baby to have CF”. At 3 yrs old you had comprehended the difficult life of CF. But now I find you standing behind me with a big smile while Im getting dressed and never hesitating to tell me “wow mommy, your tummy is getting so fat!”. You will reach out and rub my belly if I’m standing close to you, you will tell me all the things you can’t wait to do with the baby, and you even have now said, that you think we should have a boy, since cayden doesn’t have a little brother and you have Kyre. Far cry from a few weeks ago when you told everyone you only wanted another baby “siser”.

My sweetest memory of you this year, was a few weeks ago. We had headed to ballet the weekend after thanksgiving. No other parents showed up. The teacher kindly decided to do some stretches with you since we were there. I finally got to watch in person, after weeks of sitting in the hallway, unable to see what you were doing. You sat straight, placed your sweet little arms up above your head and followed each direction with intensity. I all of a sudden I found tears streaming down my face, the worst thing ever, since you know your mommy hates crying, let alone in a public place. I was engulfed with the realization that you were growing up, that you had a life outside of our safe little hermit shell and that you seemed to be thriving. I started to cry tears of grief, of sadness, and more importantly of hope. I envisioned you being a teenager, coming to the ballet studio any chance you got making sure you had every detail worked out for your soon to be audition for the dance scholarship in college. You were beautiful, you made my heart skip a beat, and you allowed me to dream for just a second and not get caught up in the crappy statistics of CF.

We just watched Despicable Me 2 last friday. There is a scene where Gru gets ready to put the girls down and goes to kiss the youngest goodnight. She says something really cute and funny to him and you see him look longingly at her, with contentment, with complete joy because he knows he can’t imagine life without her, that he is SO thankful for her. He kisses her and pats her on the head and says “never grow up agnes, never grow up”. That scene killed me. I got it, I understood in that second that it summed up the dance I find myself in with you. There are days I just want you to stay little forever, in this safe little bubble we have created for you and not even think about your tainted future. Then there are days, that I somehow allow the massive walls I have built to crumble and I sit and dream of your future. A future God has told me to start praying specifically for. God recently laid it on my heart to pray in a specific way for your future husband, I wont say who or what He told me, but I will tell you it gives me hope, because why would God ask me to pray for the future I tend to block out and not dream in.

So my Ezzy May, I just want to say that even though I have questioned God, more times then I ever want to admit because it would reveal my true lack of faith, I want you to know that I can’t imagine my life without. It never fails that when you are sick like you are now or when we relieve this time of year that the feelings and realization of blessings are clouded with the fact I still ask God why. I still ask him why he didn’t heal you, why he hasn’t healed my heart. I wonder if my faith wasn’t strong enough, if I didn’t pray hard enough as I watched you cling for life, or wonder if I am paying for past sins.

All I know is that you have taken my breath away, that you have carved a deep hole in your father’s heart that only YOU can fill, how you and your Nana have a bond that no one can break and you guys speak to each other’s heart in only a way you two can, you have been the best big sister to Kyre, patiently giving her lessons in how to fake cry or better yet how to perfect 1st and 2nd position in ballet,

how you many times will come to the aide of your brother when he is avoiding cleaning the bomb in his room,

and the way you have stolen hearts of people who have loved you from afar and have followed your journey these last few years. Your thankful heart reflects the very mold God made you in, this thanksgiving your thankful list was sweet and concise and summed up who you are. Your love of your two bestfriends and your outlet in life has made your quality of life very full.

Ezrah May, thank you for being a tough little warrior. One that faces the challenges with a bravery I’m in awe of, I just sit in shock watching you hand your arm over to do your labs and as it is covered in IV scars from your life in the hospital. I watch you allow the doctors to poke and prod you, just to hear you tell them “thank you” with tears down your face after having the massive q-tip shoved down your throat for the culture.

I pray that when you start to get older, when you start to grasp the future with CF, that you will hold tight to the dreams you have fiercely made, that you will continue to teach me that some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I pray that the courage God instilled in you will be something you continue to teach me so that when you have days that you find yourself in the black hole that has become my comfort, that I will be your strength, that I will be able to tell you that there is a hope and future, because you showed me it.

Ezzy May, we love you, we treasure you and we pray you know that our lives have been enriched by you, that God in His confusing ways made you in this package for a purpose and how we have the choice to cling to the fact that you are ours, and we are the ones blessed to have you! Happy birthday my 4 year old!

Can you believe its already thanksgiving?!? I surely can’t! I recall in my youth (yes I can say that now that I am old and have had 3 children) how time stood still and now I can’t seem to make it slow down.

Miss Kyre Grace is two and now we are quickly approaching Ezzy’s 4th bday, its bittersweet to see her grow. When you are told there are only so many precious years you will have with her, it makes the coming and going of time something that you rejoice but mourn. I am forcing myself to not go into the black hole I tend to find comfort in around this time of year. My mind, my photographic memory is my worst enemy right now. It is nearly impossible to relieve the tragic events surrounding her birth and sudden medivac to Seattle. I hear a song, I pull out a winter hat, I watch a movie and I find myself filled with sadness. But I am really determined that we will celebrate her life this year, she doesn’t hold onto memories thank goodness or she might be asking God why He gave her such a mean and at times inpatient mom, so why am I holding on to them?

Ezzy is currently in a phase of talking about being a mommy ALOT, she tells me who her husband will be, how many kids she will have, how they won’t ever drink a bottle, and how her babies will need enzymes just like her. I shared my grief with a dear friend over the infertility that CFers face and she encouraged me to talk with Ezzy about adoption, to prepare her heart for a different picture…um,duh? I myself have an older sister who is adopted and I love to hear my mom recall the day they went and got her and how the 6 yrs of an empty womb vanished immediately when her baby was placed in her arms.

I should have known something was going to try and test me, to rob my peace as I am trying to cling to it. I should have known that when I finally surrender to trusting God with my hurt it meant that I am going to be faced with something even bigger then I thought.

That day came a week ago, I received a phone call from a women who had heard about our story. She had read the article the newspaper did on us shortly after Ezzy’s birth. It was in the next few seconds a pit developed in my stomach, my heart raced and I immediately felt God guard my heart. The woman shared with me that she had a “situation with CF” and wanted to meet myself and Ezzy. I asked her what her experience was. I heard the hesitation on the other line and wondered if the call had gotten dropped. I then heard a shaky voice tell me that just before the article had come out on Ezzy, she had made the choice to terminate her pregnancy with her son, because the amnio results came back with a positive CF diagnosis.

I had no words, my worst fear came to life and I was standing in my bedroom with the door closed to hid my girls “discussing” their dislike for me being on the phone. I immediately felt angry and wanted to end the conversation ASAP, but then I heard voice gently tell me “Sarah, YOU are redeemed because of me, YOU have been forgiven from all your stupid choices” I knew I had to quiet the advocate, the mother, and caregiver of Ezzy. I had to relinquish the judgement I was so quick to deliver to a mom who made a choice, one that I would never do and for some reason was calling me. Her reasons became known in a further conversation. Which has now placed me in a difficult situation. One that requires me to live up to what I am called to do. To show Christ’s love. I can’t give her the atonement she wants, I can’t tell her that her choices were okay, and I can’t deny who I am either. So now as a dear friend told me, “it sounds like God is calling you to a VERY difficult friendship, one that can bring something beautiful”. I will have to put my grief aside for her precious baby boy that was thrown in the KGH hospital trash and have to know that he is being held in his, mine, his mother’s and Ezzy’s maker’s loving arms. The tears that I shed for him were and are ok, somebody had too.

I wonder if my current circumstances wouldn’t have made me so sensitive to this phone call. But then I would be lying if I said they did, because no matter what I am currently going through, I know without a doubt that each life God places carefully inside a mother’s womb is fearfully and wonderfully made. How do I know this, I look at my 3 precious babies. Each one of them changing me, making me the mother, wife, and woman I am today. My child that the world wants to tell me is imperfect transformed me into someone I can gladly say I am thankful to be, my former self is gone and she has made me a better person.

I know that each life matters because the tiny little life growing in me has already changed me yet again. I find myself cradling my stomach and praying over each step of knitting God is doing. I can’t stop but smile as I feel little flutters after eating my 100th satsuma orange this pregnancy. But most of all I know that this little life is here, growing and coming for a purpose.

Yes, those 2 little lines were a shock, I didn’t think I was pregnant, Richard however knew. The change that took place was my complete trust in God, as you know that didn’t happen with Kyre. I have felt peace and joy more then I have ever experienced with any other child. Each child’s reaction was endearing and we will hold onto them forever. We told Kyre first expecting her lack of vocab to limit her, however we learned how amazing she is at charades and she spilled the beans to her siblings, Cayden drew me a picture the following day of his “baby brother”, and Ezzy calmly sat at my feet and rubbed my legs as they did the ultrasound, studying every detail of her “baby sister”.

So today as thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and I am praying my GF stuffing dries out in time, I have an overwhelming heart of thanksgiving. Because there are no mistakes when God creates life. So I am clinging to the joy HE wants to give me and am finding joy as we embark on this journey with our #4, as we trust our maker and wait for this little one to change our lives again! We are so excited to share this news with you all, thanks for taking the time to read about our family!

Kyrene Grace I will never forget the morning I first found out about you. I crawled into bed and wept in your daddy’s arms. My tears weren’t relief or joy that we would soon be bringing another life into the world. My tears were plagued with fear and anger. I was shocked, confused and worried. We had been doing everything right, taken all the steps to not have another child, more specifically another child with CF. Yet there I was with two little lines that determined my future.

God has a reassuring way of revealing HIS timing and plan. When I was unable to experience a shred of joy in the months leading up to the results of the amnio, He thankfully brought people to me that had joy to share. The few people who thought about the broken scared momma before they spoke are people I will one day tell you about. They first reaction was complete JOY, but then empathy when they thought about your big sister, and then FAITH as they knew who to go to when praying for you.

I will never forget the day I found out that you weren’t coming with an expiration date. It was midmorning, your papa had come over to see Ezzy and I was cleaning the kitchen. The phone rang and I began to ignore it like I usually do, but then I had the need to walk over and see the caller ID. I panicked and grabbed the phone immediately once I saw the Seattle area code. We weren’t expecting a call for another week. When I answered the phone, the caller revealed why they were calling, within seconds, I found out that the needle that had invaded your home revealed you were going to be healthy just like your brother. I laughed, told the women she had no idea how much she made my day and quickly said goodbye. Your father rejoiced with me a few minutes later, along with all the other people who had been praying for you since they found out about your existence.

We promised your siblings that you would come when the snow came…BIG mistake! Your brother was so upset the first time the snow fell and you were still nestled in my tummy. The day finally came and I found myself in labor at 10:30 at night. You didn’t come easy not that I should have expected it. You took your time, I remember being at my wits end, and then there you were looking up at me laying on my chest. Before we left, Debbie and Leonard came to hold you, kiss you, and pray over you. You were anointed with oil and had verses read over you and a vision of your life was revealed to your parents who couldn’t believe Gods Grace, yes miss Gracie Poo, we named you Kyrene Grace, which means the Lords Grace, because HE is faithful. As we began to bundle you up and prepare you for two little people who couldn’t wait to see you, we looked out the hospital window and saw SNOW falling.

JOY, the last thing I experienced in the 22 wks of waiting to hear the results, soon became a daily, hourly, minute, and every second reality. I couldn’t believe how easy going you were. You tolerated the endless sticky kisses from your brother and sister, chunks of donuts in your hair, the constant barking of the dog who felt the need to protect the newest member of the pack, and most of all you calmly waited your turn until mommy could hold, change, feed you since your brother and sister required so much.

Over the last 2 years I have watched you become your sister’s best friend. You have provided her so much JOY when her life of isolation and loneliness is her reality.

Your brother turns to mush at the second you cry after being reprimanded or hurt and I soon find you in his arms. You love to play tricks on them and come laughing to me when I hear them calling my name in an annoyed tone. You can’t let daddy leave lunch without atleast 3 rounds of kisses and hugs. You make sure mommy spends a minimum of 10 minutes holding you each morning before you embark on all the adventures your 2 year old mind dreams of. You are teaching us the meaning of FAITH, how God knew we all needed you to bring JOY into our lives. JOY each time we have to leave 5 minutes early because you INSIST on buckling yourself, JOY when you decide to be a helper and try to empty your potty on your own when mommy is doing the dishes, JOY when you decide to hide your binkies in places because daddy keeps telling you they are going to go away for ever, JOY when you sing at the top of your lungs ANYTIME you hear music.

Miss Gracie Poo, we love you. I don’t think there are enough words to describe how we all feel about you, you have ministered to our hearts in different ways and we all have a different bond with you. I could waste time feeling guilt or shame about my heart in regards to your life, but I won’t. I believe you are who you are because God knew that in order for us to fulfill HIS plan for our family, we needed you. Thank you for always giving affection to one of us when we need it most, thank you for scrunching your nose when mommy and daddy are in too deep of a conversation, and thank you for reminding us all that there is always time to dance and sing when JOY is pouring out of you! Happy 2nd birthday!!!!!!

Last week I had caught a pesky cleaning bug, not to be confused with the one that I have everyday and won’t let me relax until my floors are cleaned, beds are made, kitchen clean and de-cluttering of piles my children and husband create with ease. I caught the bug that all of a sudden makes your eyes aware to the grease stains against your dining room wall, that just so happen to be the height of your 1 yr olds hands when standing in her seat. I quickly laid the children down in hopes that I could go and make the wall stop screaming at me to clean it. Nap time is my treasure, my quiet place, my reward for holding it together when the baby decides to fill her diaper just when we are already running late for school and walking out the door or when her sister decides to have a meltdown because she “has nothing to wear” or best of all when the sweet, precious, thoughtful 5 yr old boy all of a sudden talks back to you with a fowl face. I hate giving up nap time, I read, pray, work on worship, call breastfeeding moms for work or better yet sometimes get to take a 45 min nap!!!

So there I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the walls in my kitchen during nap and I found myself with this immense amount of self worth…for all my working mom/wife friends, please don’t roll your eyes…I really did enjoy it. I started getting excited and began to anticipate Richard coming home after working a long day just. I wanted him to walk into his home that he leaves daily to ensure we are clothed, fed, and off the streets, and be able to feel like a king. I was immediately drawn to the INTIMIDATING verses in Proverbs 31. You know what I am talking about, even if you haven’t been raised in church, I would be surprised if you have NEVER heard of this “ideal” woman.

I had a smile on my face, a bounce in my step and I started mopping the floors (something that I don’t usually do since my helpful husband mops and cleans our hardwood floors, I just sweep and vacuum daily). I started to attack the pile of dirty dishes, yet again something I don’t EVER do, my husband has been washing dishes for the last 4 yrs…I know you can hate me later. I desired to be that women who is “energetic and strong, a hard worker” Proverbs 31:17.

A few days later the baking bug bit and bit hard. I had finally received my order of GF flours that I had been waiting weeks for and had overheard my husband moaning about wanting pumpkin pie during our very sudden crisp fall weather. A few months ago meeting his tummy’s desires would not have been a hard task, but I am still very new to this whole GF cooking/baking. It has been 4 months since going GF and I have been attempting recipes that are easy. Being a somewhat experienced baker/cook, always from scratch and making a pie crust that I have been asked countless times for the recipe, I was scared to try a GF crust.

Among the 9 piles of laundry blocking the view to my back yard patiently awaiting their turn in the washing machine, I found my self armed with Proverbs 31:15, “she gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household”. I know I wasn’t getting up early, but I was sacrificing for the one I love, I understood what that verse meant for me. I pulled out my very first christmas present from my husband 6 yrs. ago and placed the kitchen-aide mixer on the table. I called the girls and told them to come and help me make a pie for daddy! They came running, smiles on their faces, because let’s be honest, they learn how to be a wife and mommy not from what you tell them, but by the example you lead.

They took turns without fighting over who got to measure the flour, salt, sugar or crack the egg. I soon saw that my pie crust was going to make it, that it would be something that I would proudly stand at the door waiting for my hubby to come home to. I have loved to cut out and shape fall leaves for my crust through out the years, because I will never forget the first time I did, having my husband rub my back and feet and telling me how wonderful and beautiful my pumpkin pie was.

Ezzy being the ever inquisitive child grilled me on each step, but when we got to the leaf making part I realized I needed to really explain to her why I was spending ALL the extra time to do something so meticulous. I told her in layman’s terms the important role a wife has, Proverbs 31:27 “she carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness”. I placed the last leaf on the pie and had two little hands wrapped around mine slowly pouring the pumpkin filling into the pie shell. She and her little sis helped clear the table and I handed her a rag and sprayed the table, knowing she would start wiping the table off, as she has started to do because of finding worth in being mommy’s little helper. Proverbs 31:28 “her children stand and bless her”.

My husband walked through the door with the weight of the world on his shoulders, I immediately guarded my heart and prepared myself for the let down in reaction to the fresh out of the oven pumpkin pie waiting for him. He stopped mid sentence grabbed me and held me close and told me how much he loved me, Proverbs 31:28 “her husband praises her”.

Through our short 7 years of marriage I have been a horrible, substandard, demanding at times, unforgiving wife. I was young, strong willed and worst felt more spiritually mature then my husband. That all changed one sunday morning when our pastor gave a sermon about SUBMISSION…I KNOW, a word that the world tells us women is an insult to our gender. I walked away convicted and yes felt condemnation at points, but I soon realized I was really messing with the marriage God wanted us to have. There were days I made leaps and bounds in the biblical submission. Then there were days my mouth and attitude put me right back to square one.

Eventually I started to make head way. God placed some wonderful God fearing women who were honest about the struggle of TRUE submission, the at times impossible standard the Proverbs 31 woman made and their own victories and failures.

As I started to have a heart change and not just a mind change, I saw a different man throughout the years…

The man who recently made me GF ck noodle soup from scratch after caring for the kids all morning long and a suddenly sick wife. The man who stands at the kitchen sink listening to God’s word through Christian rap and allows God to do soul work while he is scrubbing away the grime from our dirty dishes or even his own soul. The man who sat by me on a friday night with all kids in tow to support me leading worship in a new setting, which just so happened to be way past their bed time. He could have been home decompressing the week and putting kids to bed early.

You see, when I decided to stop thinking about my own self worth and trying to achieve and maintain it in the ways the world tells me to, I started to realize that I found so much worth in finding my identity as a child of God and then his wife and now a mom. All it took was being his cheerleader, “her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life” Proverbs 31:11. It meant that no matter how hard my day with poopy diapers, children experiencing the new found joy in autonomy or the daily demands of running a house, that I had to wait and be there for him FIRST. I started to bite my tongue when he came home, asked him how his day was and once I heard him, encouraged him, supported him, I would then go and prepare a meal for him, knowing that when he was able to let go of the day he would be there for me just as I was for him. “when she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness” Proverbs 31:26…this is still a daily challenge for me friends.

He recently tackled a big project that I to be honest wasn’t sure he could do. I mean, he works in an office all day pushing paperwork, working with his hands isn’t trade-work. But after a wonderfully long sunday nap I awoke to my husband carrying in a beautiful wood bench he made after listening to me complain about the countless bowls of milk that kept finding their way on my piano bench that had taken up residence under our table. I expressed my shock verbally and physically and soon learned later in the day how much that meant to him. You see I didn’t force those things to coax his ego, I had said them out of habit, knowing deep within my soul that I have to be his cheerleader, “she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” Proverbs 31:12

In a world where people are trading spouses like a pair of dirty socks, I know that those people have/had the choice to make it work. I know that if I am not his cheerleader, if I don’t believe in him, if I don’t let him know I desire him just as much as he does me then it means soon something/someone else could.

So why am I writing this?!? Because I know there is a newly married wife or new mother out there that is trying to figure out who she is in her life. Asking how she is suppose to get and hold on to self worth and it’s driving her nuts. Because I know there is a woman out there who is struggling with the whole biblical submission and finding God’s word to at times be sexist and completely missing out on the beauty God designed in a partnership involving spouses. I know that there is a woman out there that just wants her husband to choose her first and doesn’t know how to get him to place her on the top of his soul’s list.

Please don’t think I have it figured out, because I DON’T have it figured out. I can recall a time not to long ago that I was disrespectful to my husband, because the bad day I had got to me. He didn’t deserve it, but he got it. I am just saying that in the years that I allowed my heart to change and conform to the new found knowledge I learned in God’s WORD, I saw the epitome of an Ephesians 5 man, who has modeled sacrificial love for me in SO many ways. He recently came to my defense, gave me sound advice and best of all was my protector and I didn’t ask him to be, he just did it out of habit and I can tell you I needed him to come and save me.

Ladies, are you one of those women I talked about in the above paragraphs? If so I want to encourage you to read Proverbs 31, find a friend to talk about it with, ask older women in church, but start reading it, dissect it, and ask God what does it mean for YOU. You know what I love about there being so many different translations in the Bible, I can re read a verse in a different translation and it becomes alive to me in a new way! If you don’t read the Bible and find the word submission a death sentence then just do this:
1. go find the best cheerleading outfit, pom pom, picture of said stuff, or sticker
2. hang it up somewhere you can see it to remind you of how important this simple act is
3. start being the biggest cheerleader he has ever had in his life

Soon you will see his heart change and be blessed by his love for you “her husband praises her: there are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Proverbs 31:29.

I hope this jump starts you, because when I first started believing and obeying who I was called to be: a child of God, his wife, and mother to his children, along with all my daily duties, I soon realized that I can’t find self worth by trying to achieve it in how clean my house is or how fast I can run a race, how nice I dress on sunday, or the new success I achieved attaching pinterest uneding ideas. It’s when I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad that I soon had the support of a loving man who believes in me and lets face it, when a woman is confident in who she is, praised, believed in, supported, she CAN DO ANYTHING she puts her mind to “she makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night” Proverbs 31:18.

Go try out for his cheerleading squad and see that you can be “more precious then rubies” Proverbs 31:10, in his eyes.