Tests, Thanksgiving, and the #4

Can you believe its already thanksgiving?!? I surely can’t! I recall in my youth (yes I can say that now that I am old and have had 3 children) how time stood still and now I can’t seem to make it slow down.

Miss Kyre Grace is two and now we are quickly approaching Ezzy’s 4th bday, its bittersweet to see her grow. When you are told there are only so many precious years you will have with her, it makes the coming and going of time something that you rejoice but mourn. I am forcing myself to not go into the black hole I tend to find comfort in around this time of year. My mind, my photographic memory is my worst enemy right now. It is nearly impossible to relieve the tragic events surrounding her birth and sudden medivac to Seattle. I hear a song, I pull out a winter hat, I watch a movie and I find myself filled with sadness. But I am really determined that we will celebrate her life this year, she doesn’t hold onto memories thank goodness or she might be asking God why He gave her such a mean and at times inpatient mom, so why am I holding on to them?

Ezzy is currently in a phase of talking about being a mommy ALOT, she tells me who her husband will be, how many kids she will have, how they won’t ever drink a bottle, and how her babies will need enzymes just like her. I shared my grief with a dear friend over the infertility that CFers face and she encouraged me to talk with Ezzy about adoption, to prepare her heart for a different picture…um,duh? I myself have an older sister who is adopted and I love to hear my mom recall the day they went and got her and how the 6 yrs of an empty womb vanished immediately when her baby was placed in her arms.

I should have known something was going to try and test me, to rob my peace as I am trying to cling to it. I should have known that when I finally surrender to trusting God with my hurt it meant that I am going to be faced with something even bigger then I thought.

That day came a week ago, I received a phone call from a women who had heard about our story. She had read the article the newspaper did on us shortly after Ezzy’s birth. It was in the next few seconds a pit developed in my stomach, my heart raced and I immediately felt God guard my heart. The woman shared with me that she had a “situation with CF” and wanted to meet myself and Ezzy. I asked her what her experience was. I heard the hesitation on the other line and wondered if the call had gotten dropped. I then heard a shaky voice tell me that just before the article had come out on Ezzy, she had made the choice to terminate her pregnancy with her son, because the amnio results came back with a positive CF diagnosis.

I had no words, my worst fear came to life and I was standing in my bedroom with the door closed to hid my girls “discussing” their dislike for me being on the phone. I immediately felt angry and wanted to end the conversation ASAP, but then I heard voice gently tell me “Sarah, YOU are redeemed because of me, YOU have been forgiven from all your stupid choices” I knew I had to quiet the advocate, the mother, and caregiver of Ezzy. I had to relinquish the judgement I was so quick to deliver to a mom who made a choice, one that I would never do and for some reason was calling me. Her reasons became known in a further conversation. Which has now placed me in a difficult situation. One that requires me to live up to what I am called to do. To show Christ’s love. I can’t give her the atonement she wants, I can’t tell her that her choices were okay, and I can’t deny who I am either. So now as a dear friend told me, “it sounds like God is calling you to a VERY difficult friendship, one that can bring something beautiful”. I will have to put my grief aside for her precious baby boy that was thrown in the KGH hospital trash and have to know that he is being held in his, mine, his mother’s and Ezzy’s maker’s loving arms. The tears that I shed for him were and are ok, somebody had too.

I wonder if my current circumstances wouldn’t have made me so sensitive to this phone call. But then I would be lying if I said they did, because no matter what I am currently going through, I know without a doubt that each life God places carefully inside a mother’s womb is fearfully and wonderfully made. How do I know this, I look at my 3 precious babies. Each one of them changing me, making me the mother, wife, and woman I am today. My child that the world wants to tell me is imperfect transformed me into someone I can gladly say I am thankful to be, my former self is gone and she has made me a better person.

I know that each life matters because the tiny little life growing in me has already changed me yet again. I find myself cradling my stomach and praying over each step of knitting God is doing. I can’t stop but smile as I feel little flutters after eating my 100th satsuma orange this pregnancy. But most of all I know that this little life is here, growing and coming for a purpose.

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Yes, those 2 little lines were a shock, I didn’t think I was pregnant, Richard however knew. The change that took place was my complete trust in God, as you know that didn’t happen with Kyre. I have felt peace and joy more then I have ever experienced with any other child. Each child’s reaction was endearing and we will hold onto them forever. We told Kyre first expecting her lack of vocab to limit her, however we learned how amazing she is at charades and she spilled the beans to her siblings, Cayden drew me a picture the following day of his “baby brother”, and Ezzy calmly sat at my feet and rubbed my legs as they did the ultrasound, studying every detail of her “baby sister”.

So today as thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and I am praying my GF stuffing dries out in time, I have an overwhelming heart of thanksgiving. Because there are no mistakes when God creates life. So I am clinging to the joy HE wants to give me and am finding joy as we embark on this journey with our #4, as we trust our maker and wait for this little one to change our lives again! We are so excited to share this news with you all, thanks for taking the time to read about our family!

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