SO…you know those days that you want to crawl in a hole and die, yes, THOSE days?!?

Lately I have found my patience to be on the lacking end, yeah being utterly wiped thanks to the little one stealing all my reserves is a big part in that, but school is getting to me.  I am currently in my last two weeks, spending spare time in the evenings researching to prepare for my 10-12 page papers.  Some might say, hey you have a blog, writing shouldn’t be hard…yeah, about that, I only like to write if it’s on MY time.  I was on the website of a worship team Richard and I saw during my worship conference in October.  The team is starting a campaign on mother’s day and it will go till father’s day.  Its sole purpose is to challenge, equip, and propel parents into a meaningful prayer time each day for their children.

“Dear LORD I come a desperate man
Just trying to do the best I can
I know my children look to me
So I’m on my knees cause it’s
You they need”

I will be the first to admit that I can sometimes forget to really pray over my children.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I pray for them, but sometimes it’s along the lines of  “God, can you show me why you made them like this, i.e. as they are throwing their coat on the library floor and stomping their foot with steam coming out of their 4 yr old head”.  Not really constructive prayers, I might add.  I watched the first video that explained why the worship team felt called to start a campaign and immediately was convicted to be a part of it.

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Lately Cayden has had a hard time with a certain child at his school.  This girl is mean, just plain mean.  I know, the first rule is to not believe everything your child says about things that happen when you are away from them, BUT, we have tried various ways of approaching the issue.  Nothing has seemed to help; even my veteran mom has gotten involved.  When we finally exhausted our resources we were left telling him to pray for this child…should have been our first plan of attack.  Then one night during bedtime prayers I heard him go one step further and pray “God, will you help (child’s name) see how beautiful she is, that her glasses don’t make her look funny, help her to see what I see when I look at her”.  Something must have clicked in his heart, because he has seen behavior change from his bully and witnessed the power of prayer and decided to go to God about something else.  I wish I had the courage to keep asking even when I don’t see my prayers answered.

“I’ll try to lead them by your truth
I’ll tell them life is found in you
But even that won’t be enough
Because only YOU can reveal your love”

We had the opportunity to see Ezzy gracefully step into the role of big sister the other night. While daddy and I were resting on the bench, we watched her place her helmet on Kyre’s head and help her up on her bike and slowly push her around the docks.  It was in that moment that I really began to see that God wants to shape my children’s hearts, but I am getting in the way.  Thanks to my husband who had to throw out a disclaimer before challenging me, I learned that Ezzy and I can have a super challenging relationship and my stubbornness isn’t helping.  I had to recently apologize to her the other day.  She made me SO mad, I reacted, and before I could withdraw my choice, I knew that I was wrong.  It took me hours to calm down, I was so angry at myself that I couldn’t even cry.  Finally when I was able to say the words, I grabbed hold of her and said “mommy is sorry, I should have never acted that way” her response was “it’s ok mommy”, I was immediately embraced by a lingering hug and then she went about her day.  I don’t deserve her, really.  I should be finding it a great privilege to get on my knees and have purposeful prayer for my babies.

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Why are you getting so bothered by this Sarah?  Well, to be utterly honest, it’s because I am all too aware of the fact that my mom didn’t need a prayer campaign to daily cover me in prayer.  She didn’t need a worship leader with a nose ring to make a fancy youtube video, she just did it.  There were probably worn out circles by her bedside because she watched her teenager slip away from her.  When Richard entered the picture as her new son in law, she again took on the role of a parent and fervently prayed for his salvation as well.

“That they would know your great mercy
And walk in all your ways
That the days would overflow
With peace and love
May they see the sweet salvation
And your amazing grace
Cause one day I know I’ll have to let them go”

Richard and I are living proof of what a parent’s heart can do when it makes its mind up to really PRAY for their child/ren.  I may have shackles that find their way back around my ankles, I may have people, thanks to the small town, that don’t want me to think I have a chance of being a new creation in Christ, BUT through it all I have a merciful father who tells me that I am worth it, baggage and all.

Even though I spent my entire 17 yrs under the roof of a Proverbs 31 woman, I still found myself severed from God.  I still found myself being so good at living a double life that I convinced those around me that I wasn’t making bad choices, because my grades and outward appearance didn’t resemble the rough crowd.  I entered college severed from God, quieting the still small voice and continuing to make choices I will forever live with.

So as I am watching my son make hard decisions, deal with peers who have different home environments, that will one day try to lead him down the road I ran down, I know I need to be mindful when praying for his soul.

As I watch Ezzy find so much relief and pleasure in trying to control her entire atmosphere at all costs, especially mom’s patience, I pray and hope that the anger and frustration that plague her little 4 yr old heart, won’t be there to rob her from the ONLY source of Hope.

Soon Kyre will start to come into who she is even more, so far, I rarely see the innate naughty behavior in her.  She loves life, she finds joy in everything she does, and there is no need to be serious when she could have the choice to be silly.  I pray Richard and I will help her foster her bright look on life, that we won’t let the world beat her up and force her into only black and white, like her mommy sees things.

Mother’s day, May 11th the harneys will be starting this campaign, if you want to join us, please let us know, we would LOVE to have other parents meet with us join together calling on God to:

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Watch this brief video if you want to better understand!

“Hey Ez, come here, we need to ask you something”
“So who do you want to go with you to Seattle? Mom or dad?”

“um, NANA!”

“Ezzy, Nana can’t take you, who do you want Mom or dad?”

“NANA!” (stern look on the face)

“ezzy, we understand you want nana, but if you had to choose between mom or dad, who would you pick?”

(sigh accompanied by a roll of the eyes) “mom” (turns and walks away from us)

LESSON LEARNED:
If someone had to steal her heart, at-least it is the person who stole my heart 29 years ago

For those of you who don’t know, I HATE flying, really, honestly HATE flying. I overcome my debilitating fear and continually give myself a pep talk while quieting all the crazy insane scenarios of what could go wrong while in the air, just to step foot on a plane. Really, I am the prime candidate for Xanax when it comes to flying.

We showed up to the ferry terminal with an hour and a half to spare, Ezzy started to get anxious, her siblings and her were all wound up in the back, showing us that they even get stressed when our tight family is broken up for a few days. The tension in the air could be cut with knife, but then soon ended with the baby screaming and shoving her brother to the ground so she could see the approaching ferry, which ended in giggles from all of us. Thanks Kyre, we can always count on you! Daddy turned to Ezzy sensing my anxiety rising as I picked at my nails, “hey Ez, I need you to be a big girl for mommy, mommy gets really nervous flying, when she starts to get frustrated, tell her DONT FREAK OUT MOMMY, ITS GOING TO BE OK”. I turned and looked at her and without a beat she repeated his sentence with a smile on her face.

We got through security, boarded the back of the plane, which ended up being a HUGE blessing to the 4 year old with a digestive disease and a pregnant mommy. She climbed in her seat, pulled out her crayons and paper and quietly sat without a peep while people slowly filed on, and at times were told their oversized carryon needed to be checked thanks to the very full flight. She asked me to join her and soon we were sitting letting our minds wander. Yup, I had the honor of traveling with a PRO, who wasn’t phased by the packed plane full of anxious people trying to get to their destinations.

LESSON LEARNED:
When you are anxious, sitting and coloring can be the best therapy

A month ago some friends were unexpectedly sent to Seattle with a sudden need of medical care. I had hoped we would get a chance to love on them, knowing how lonely and overwhelming being relocated for health issues can be. I also know how sometimes, during the stress you need space. I was pleasantly surprised when the offer to meet up was received.

Ezzy shut down all of a sudden when we got into their rental car. This was a total change in her steady routine of traveling to Seattle every few months. She has known the family for years, spent time in their raspberry garden, jumped on their trampoline, and waded through our alaskan waters finding sea stars with the girls many summer days. But it threw her off, probably because she saw her friend in a neck brace. As the mom and I caught up with each other, we let the girls quietly play on our IPADS in the back and warm up to each other.

Thankfully we didn’t have to ask for food, they knew we would be hungry and drove us to a restaurant that catered to every single desire of mine and Ezzy’s heart. I lost count of how many bread sticks I ate, Ezzy would have ate a pint of Alfredo sauce if we had let her and by the end of the meal, Ezzy and I had full hearts thanks to good food and good company! We were blessed to break bread with them again after a full day of shopping and running errands, our heads didn’t hit the pillow until 10 pm. We had spent the day completely ignoring the impending day of stacked appointments.

LESSON LEARNED:
Any time food is involved in a gathering, it can break down walls, especially if Alfredo sauce is an option

We had a restless night of sleep, thanks to not having our normal sleeping companions but also thanks to the next room over in the hotel…who decides to carry on a LOUD conversation at 3 am?!? As frustrated as I was, I remembered the first time we had stayed at the hotel, we didn’t step into the room until midnight, we had a rambunctious 19 mon old dealing with his new surroundings and hours spent waiting in a waiting room while mommy and daddy talked to the surgeons planning out the surgery for his new baby sister. I quickly got over myself and accepted the fact I didn’t know that person’s story next to us. In an attempt to drown out the noise I turned on the room’s air vent and ended up with a 4 yr old suffering from a 30 min coughing session thanks to the irritants hiding in those vents. 6:30 am came before we knew it, and I heard a little voice asking me “mommy are you awake?”

After seeing our GI doc, with a new prescription in hand to hopefully address the daily tummy pain she deals with, we headed to our next appt. The pulmonary function tests are now part of our visits, in the past they were only done once a year. Now they will be done every time we come down, so that the docs can have a better idea of her lung function and can see indicators of disease when her numbers drop thanks to sickness.

She talked the RT’s (respiratory therapists) ear off. She intently listened to each step he described to her. When mommy had to intervene to better explain his directions, he turned to me with a smile and said “wow, she responds really well to you, you know just what to say”. We walked away with glowing numbers and being told that “she is literally the most precious thing I have ever seen, really, the most precious thing”

LESSON LEARNED:
when God places His hand upon someone, you can’t deny that there is something special about them, it still amazes me, the way she draws people to her without even trying

The CF team was pleased with her weight and height. Daddy and I have been overly concerned about the thinning out we have seen, knowing how crucial weight is for her lung function. All to aware the docs were recently concerned about her lack of growth, which many CFers suffer from. We were told she grew almost an inch in 3 months. The RD decided she would look into her glucose levels, since Ezzy has been insatiably hungry, I can’t seem to feed her enough, but she only gained one pound in 3 months. CF related diabetes is not a question of IF but WHEN, so she said she would investigate, since her pancreas doesn’t work (thanks to CF) and the pancreas is what produces insulin.

The tears started to flow as she realized the impending throat culture was approaching. I made the mistake of being honest with her and for the last 24 hrs was asked almost every hour if she was going to have to have the stick down her throat. The time came and she melted into tears, the same tears she shed each time we saw a new person that day, because she thought the throat culture was going to happen. The RN got it done faster then I had ever seen and without missing a beat she wiped her tears and said “thank you”. She knows why we do them, she knows we are looking for bugs in her lungs, she knows they are trying to help her.

LESSON LEARNED:
She is our hero…we see the make-up of who she is was carefully knitting together in my womb, that we know she was fearfully and wonderfully made

After our 5 hours of appts ended, we went to find our friends who were being seen by their own team of specialist. Ezzy did not want to leave until she saw her friend was ok. We waiting in the recovery room with her mom until her friend woke up. As the anthesia wore off, Ezzy soon saw her friend was ok and climbed into her bed with her. They shared purple popsicles that they requested in unison when asked which color and I watched Ezzy tell her friend to be brave as the IV was removed from her friend’s hand.

LESSON LEARNED:
having a friend to go through tough days makes any scary thing bearable

I shared my frustration with my friend as the girls were scarfing down their Panda Express after spending their entire day at the hospital. I told her how Ezzy was a mess each time a new person came into the room, anticipating the scary BIG white stick that would soon scrape her throat. I explained that no countless explanations could calm Ezzy’s fears that dictated her thoughts for the last 24 hours. My friend gently and lovingly said, “Sarah, do you realize they are just babies, really, they are only four years old, they are still babies”…”they are being asked to handle a lot right now for their age”…”don’t ask her to handle more then she can”

Yeah, the lump in my throat soon became so large that it took an act of God to swallow it down…when I found the words I humbly said “yeah, you are right, thank you”

LESSON LEARNED:
When a friend speaks in TRUTH & LOVE, thank them

After just 4 hours of sleep we waited and waited for our scheduled taxi to get us…apparently a scheduled appt doesn’t mean much. It was during the waiting Ezzy decided to share with me her theological insight at 4:45 am.
“mom, do you know God loves us?”
“yes baby, He does”
“mom, He created this whole world for just us! He really loves us!”

Our taxi finally appeared after we both were nestled up sitting in the hotel lobby fighting off the sandman. I held back my choice words I had selected during the 45 mins I could have been sleeping, had I known my appt wasn’t going to be honored. Ezzy told the driver I was going to have a baby, he hesitated, holding back congratulations until I told him that the statement was in fact truth. We talked about what brought us to Seattle, how we have gotten to know the city like a second home. I found myself telling the driver that I knew God created Ezzy with the right stuff to handle the road she is on. The driver shared with me his views on the world, the sad direction is was going. Upon arrival to the airport we were instructed to safely get to the curb and not touch our bags. The gentleness from the drivers eyes was apparent as he grabbed each bag and brought them to us, he told us he was “blessed to meet us” and smiled before shaking my hand.

Thanks to spring break taking place in all of WA, we arrived with what seemed the entire population of Seattle trying to leave on AK Air. My heart sunk, I soon realized the delay in pickup was going to hurt us badly. As we weaved through the college students who didn’t look old enough to drive and got knocked over by the “city” people who don’t seem to acknowledge other life forms, we found a long line to stand in. The few hours of sleep the night before caught up to the 4 yr old who needed something to drink as well as a bathroom. She sprawled on the dirty floor, no words could get her up, it was a hopeless situation. I soon got out of her she wanted to “just get home”. I grabbed her hand, attempted to suck in my growing belly as I leaned down and quietly prayed that God would get us home. After another lengthy line through security, with people picking up her doll or bag for her as she would march off without it, we found ourselves lightly jogging through the airport in hopes of getting to our plane in time. By the grace of God we showed up when the last boarding call was taking place.

LESSON LEARNED:
If you allow your heart to start out the day thinking about your Creator, just like Ezzy did, then you find your heart leaning on him when things fall apart

The only reason we were on the worst flight home, was due to the fact daddy and cayden were running a race for Ezzy and we wanted to meet them at the finish line. In the past it has always been mommy and cayden rocking our “breathing for Ezzy” shirts, but dad decided after some “encouragement” from mommy to do it. I was sad we still didn’t make it to see them cross the finish line together, but atleast I had the chance of watching my husband who hasn’t been running, working out, or training, cross the finish line with a sub 9 min mile…yeah, you can dislike him with me…I had to train to get a sub minute mile! HE then shared with me that at one point he told himself to walk a short distance to catch a break. But then he realized “if I am going to tell her to face things, hard things, then I have no reason to stop when it gets hard for me”. He shared how he got kind of emotional as he crossed the finish line. I told him he finally got it, why I started running for her. Why I crossed the finish line in tears when I completed the 1/2 marathon.

LESSON LEARNED:
when you walk in someone else’s shoes, your judgement, preconceived notions, and unfair expectations disappear

We are home, a complete family and I am so thankful Richard suggested I take her one last time. I needed to spend sometime with a friend I don’t get to see too often, I needed to see my daughter’s courage and heart. She blessed me with plenty of times to smile, she found ways to still smile when deep down her fears were controlling her thoughts, and through it all she yet again showed me how much I need her.

I just recently ran into someone pregnant, we briefly chatted about how we were feeling and before I knew it I was mirroring her sentiments on carrying a growing life…you know…
“ugh, I’m SO over being fat”
“I am not one of those women who LOVE being pregnant”
“I’m SO ready to be done with it”

I walked away sad, frustrated, and totally upset with myself. Why did I let my mouth build up those statements and at one point agree with them?

I recently saw a video on facebook that brought me to tears, you know pregnancy tears. It was sweet, endearing, and everything my heart needed to respond to in order to look at these last 2 months, yes, LAST TWO months, and appreciate the gift God has for some reason given me again.

Time is flying, I many times don’t feel pregnant until nap time when I myself am screaming for my down comforter and a chance to reboot. Sure I have had some annoying pregnancy symptoms, been chewed out for my massive weight gain 3x at my OB apts and also had a very scary reaction to my 3 hr glucose test, but really, IF I had to be truthfully honest, then I need to admit, this time around, thanks to God’s plan, I’m feeling amazing.

Challenge me please, ask me how I am doing when you see me, with an all knowing smile that tells me that you are trying to help me focus and see the gift that is growing inside of me is just that a gift.

Since that dreaded day when I fell into my incessant need to be relational and not let the other person feel alone, I have since been stopping and trying to see the beauty of pregnancy, which has resulted in this letter that I wish someone would write to me, now, in my last 2 months of experiencing my body do something that many dream of.

Dear Pregnant mommy,

I see you, I know you, I can hear your heart seeping out with that look in your eyes as you waddle by the group of women burning calories in the zumba class.

YOU feel alone, YOU feel fat, YOU wonder “will I ever look like I did before my feet decided to swell so big that I needed to buy new shoes, but not cute shoes, practical shoes, because my feet can’t handle anything less”

That baggy sweater that you hope masks your growing body is your comfort, most likely from your husband’s closet, or worse bought when you snuck into the section of clothing that resembles the glaring TRUTH that nasty little scale decides to share with you. You have decided that you and the scale are no longer on speaking terms.

But wait, hold on, I have something to tell you!

YOU are beautiful! Really you are. Your hair is shiny and growing thick and luscious. Your nails no longer chip when you finally win the battle and get that stubborn sippy cup to give up its lid. Your face glows, yes, it might be a little fuller, but really it glows, so much that strangers will tell you this, if you just would put listening ears on!

Those stretch marks that make you want to burn EVERY single piece of lingerie or swimsuit, literally bring you to tears. I know, crazy right, you had NO idea what a sacrifice it would be to give up your body for someone else!

But did you know that those stretch marks across your belly show that you have done the first step in being a mommy, you have decided to sacrifice, to eat and listen to your body and make sure you are helping your little one grow! Don’t listen to the “skinny you” version that tells you to walk away from that slice of cake or screams at you when you decide to have your 4th snack of the day!

Did you know those stretch marks along your thighs are there to remind you of the time when that little life will finally enter the world and how much work you did to push that sweet baby out. You WILL one day look at those stretch marks on your hips and smile as you look at your child that is no longer a baby and in someways wish you could go back in time.

Slow down mommy, don’t spend your days wishing and hoping that your little one would hurry up. Really, SLOW DOWN. Grab a piece of candy, go lay down and watch the gymnastics take place. Find a shirt or dress that makes you feel sexy and rock it and bask in the fact you DON’T have to suck your belly in right now!!!!! Snuggle up with a book or an older child if you have one and take a guilt free light snooze in the afternoon.

Most of all, don’t think about the negatives, don’t fall into the trap of this world that wants everything NOW. Don’t read about the newest celebrity that is back to pre-baby weight by 6 wks postpartum…I have a secret for you (she starved herself and had a personal trainer screaming at her calling her fat). Instead, thank God for entrusting you to grow a tiny human, thank your spouse for the extra work he has picked up since those two little lines changed your lives, thank your children for fighting and running to see who first will crawl on their hands and knees to find your slippers under the couch each morning, and thank that sweet little baby for making you let go of things that DON’T matter.

Hold tight pregnant mommy, live in the now, because before you know it, your baby will be here and you will actually MISS being pregnant!

Walk with your head held high, don’t worry about the fact your thighs rub together now, smile when you see others and just for a second realize they are smiling at you and the gift of life growing in your belly 🙂 Rub your belly and talk to your sweet little bean and tell them how much you love them and want them to grow big and strong and to not hurry up, that you have plenty of time to wait until it’s time to hold them in your arms. Most of all mommy, remember, you have a gift, one that many women long for, don’t allow yourself to think that what you are going through isnt a blessing!

Sincerely,
pregnant mommy to my 4th baby:)