Cayden’s birthday is quickly approaching, really…its in less the 3 days. Isn’t funny how when big events like bdays, anniversaries, special events, and other memory making days always make you walk down memory lane? Well, that is where I have been the last few days.
I recently recalled a sweet memory before Cayden was born and it made me miss our church family dearly in AZ. We had started to attend church a few months after we found out about Cayden. I had walked away from God, for many reasons, too many to list here, but regardless of my detour in life, I soon found myself longing to be back in line with God. We had gotten settled in, even Richard, who had shuttered at the thought of giving up Sunday mornings to go and listen to something he didn’t believe in at the time. Thankfully, that all changed, and I found my husband one Sunday morning at the alter on bended knees no longer able to deny the TRUTH he had heard each Sunday were he was drug by his persistent wife. We were graciously loved and accepted and soon got to know quite a few people. As my due date was approaching, and my ability to walk without a significant waddle was no longer, I found myself inpatient. My mom and sister were making the trek to AZ for two weeks. The pressure was on to get Cayden OUT. When I had reached my limit one Sunday morning, I was surrounded by many other moms, aunts, sisters, and grandmas. I found myself in the center, with many hands laid over me praying that Cayden would be in my arms Easter morning.
Well the day before Easter I was at the hospital for another stress test, thanks to the fact Cayden didn’t get the memo he was suppose to come on his due date. I soon found out that the Braxton Hicks I thought I was having were in fact actual contractions, and I was in labor. 12 hours of pitocin (with no pain relievers) thanks to my body not progessing, some not so nice words said to my husband, and a worn out body, I caved for the epidural after hour 12. I didn’t just cave, I told my husband that if he didn’t get the paperwork now, he wouldn’t live to see his son. The biggest problem was that I had made him promise to not let me cave, I wanted to do it natural, to prove I was tough enough…with pleading eyes, and him saying the words I made him rehearse, he finally realized I wasn’t joking. I found myself Easter morning at 4:49 am with my little man briefly in my arms. We had a traumatic birth, leaving him rushed to the NICU and myself fading quickly. Fortunately my mom was there to stay with me so Richard could follow Cayden, even though he didn’t want to leave me.
Just last week Cayden told Richard and I that he wanted to go to college to be a Pastor. I stopped what I was doing in the kitchen and came out to look him in the eye, I wanted him to know I heard him. That kind of statement shouldn’t be ignored…I told him that he would need to go to Bible College, but that I thought it was a great idea! He responded by telling us that he wanted to be the pastor of a church here, a place that we had visited when one of our district guys came from CMA. This man had given a powerful testimony, one that has changed my outlook on trials that God allows us to go through. I didn’t realize that Cayden had been listening, until he described the church as “the place that the man spoke with a hurt throat”. He was so matter of fact about this decision.
Well I have been thinking a lot about this statement he made. At first to be honest I didn’t put too much thought behind it. As any mom can attest, a child’s dream career changes faster then the time it takes for them to learn a new career. It wasn’t until I told our pastor what he had said that I realized I needed to change my thinking. Our pastor told us that he now knew what he needed to pray for Cayden.
I have been really excited this week, every time I think about the road God is paving for my little man. It was last September we had asked Cayden if he wanted to go to a Christian School. Cayden is a creature of habit, much like his momma, and I knew we needed to let him digest the possibility of leaving his established friends and teachers and go somewhere new. When he realized that he could learn about God and learn all the other stuff in the same place, he never looked back! Thanks to giving hearts who believe in providing an education while building a foundation, we were able to send Cayden to the Christian School with help from a scholarship.
I have seen over the years countless prayers being answered for my little man of God. Before his first birthday I felt God nudging me to pray specifically for him. So I found myself fasting, asking God to tell me how to pray for him daily. It was when the fast was over that I knew clearly to pray for him to have a heart after David, one that would sing God’s praises in the good and bad times, and a heart after King Josiah, one that would desire to know God at a young age and follow his convictions and not back down.
So here I am looking at my little man who is almost 5 and honestly unable to fathom where the last 5 years have gone. He is a mighty man of God, who humbles myself and Richard on a regular basis. Who has scripture verses memorized and will use them when a situation calls for us to hear God’s truth.
His love for his sisters is unconditional…I am serious. I have been getting chewed out daily for disciplining Kyre. He will say, “mom, she is just a baby, she doesn’t know any better”.
Our lives are greatly enriched by Cayden. He has forever changed my life, he unknowingly presented me with a decision 5 years ago to stop my selfish ways and to give more of myself then I knew was possible. To stop obsessing over the newest coach purse or how I would spend my days off sleeping in and eating out with friends every weekend.
So today I am going to try and slow down, to stop asking him to be or act older then he is. Lets face it, what mom doesn’t ask more from their 1st born, he has at times had to help me raise his sisters, so that I could get a cup of coffee in silence or better yet a shower.
These next two days I want to keep looking back over the last 5 years and see how God knew how much we needed him. That Richard and I needed a reason to get our butts in church, needed a reason to change our ways. That Ezzy needed a brother who makes himself the butt of jokes so that she will stop crying during therapies.
William Cayden Harney, I am so thankful that God gave you to us. My prayer as your momma is that I will allow God to speak to my heart and slow down and cherish each day you grow, but more importantly to prepare my heart for the work HE is calling you to do in your later years, and to be the mom HE has called me to be to ensure that you walk in HIS ways. LOVE you my almost 5 yr old