Anyone else struggling with the fact that CHRISTmas seemed like it was a holiday that couldn’t get here soon enough? Yeah, we felt that way until we were up late yet another CHRISTmas eve, wrapping presents until almost midnight while watching the Holiday. We always laugh and say, “didn’t we just watch this?!?” With December brings the hustle and bustle, Bing Crosby in the background, strangers greeting you with a smile and a Merry CHRISTmas (no happy holidays here, thanks to living in a strong Republican state) and small town events that keep you at times busier then you and your family need. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE CHRISTmas, I mean really love it, so much so that my new husband banned CHRISTmas music until after thanksgiving when we first got married and quickly found out what all that pent up energy could do while waiting for the friday after turkey day…Santa puked in our house that year. Each year my love of the season began to break down the cold heart that was two sizes to small as he joined in the festivities. I couldn’t wait to bust out White Christmas, my candy cane advent calendar, or the treasured ornament we had began to buy for Cayden each year to one day send to him when he no longer came home for CHRISTmas. Then December 2009 took place…

I just overheard Richard tell Ezzy, “hey Ezzy…did you know what your mommy was doing at this time 5 years ago?!?” “She was getting ready to have you…”

Breathe in and out Sarah, In and out…

I have done a fantastic job of holding this season at an appropriate length if I do say so myself. I fought planning her birthday party, like I do every single freaking year, it’s a defense mechanisim, but I didn’t let a dark cloud follow me as the giant ticking clock reminded me that its one less year of her life. I would grieve here and there, then breathe in and out, and face the world. The world that has changed since my closest girlfriends all moved away this year. I never had to explain to them why December was hard, they understood, they hugged me, helped me refocus and sometimes gave me my much needed space.

Her dad either perceptive to my trauma that clings to me with a deathly grip was eating up my soul or the fact that I was being pulled every direction with my ministry role and policitan role, filled in the gaps and planned the most perfect FROZEN themed party for our two little holiday babies. Kyre and Ezzy had so much fun with the jammed back party he planned and walked away feeling like two little princesses.

Trying to relinquish the bitterness that wells up in my soul and tries to seep in the crevices that have been dry and began to heal has been something that I have been in conversation with God. The tug and pull that my spirit would feel as I have a memory that sends a twinge in my heart would send me running to him.

When the moments that would normally send me in a whining tyrant to my Abba Father came, I would literally just say one or two words directed at him and then felt my control begin to fade and a longing of being wrapped up in his loving arms take over. You see me and God, we are tight, NO joke. I don’t know if it is because of the life changing bible study group I have been apart of this year, the intentional time I spend in his word daily, the healing he is doing in my life, or my spirit’s hunger to have a heart that resembles his, whatever it is, I have found that the darkness and loneliness are just mere glimpses before I am rescued.

As you all know we entered this school year, holding our breaths, anxiously wondering what this fall and winter would bring to our family. We knew the day was coming, had lived in denial, but also prepared for the worst. How could we not? The support group we are in told us to be prepared for lengthy hospitalizations, nasty bugs that would make her lungs decline, teachers or staff that wouldn’t care for her in the right way, or worse a VERY sick child that would have to be pulled from school because her health would be so detrimental.

Each time I felt the well getting ready to spill over I sensed God tenderly speaking to me reminding me that HE is holding her tight.

1. no length hospitalization
2. no nasty bugs (she actually finally got rid of one she has had in her lungs since she was 1)
3. no indifferent teachers or staff
4. no withdrawl from school due to medical limitations

We have been blessed with one of the most amazing, attentive, caring teacher and aide. They love my Ezzy. They advocate for her and go a step beyond what I could ever had expected as they joined Team Ezzy. It seemed fitting to have her draw them “Team Ezzy” lungs for their CHRISTmas gifts.

Ezzy’s one gripe since CHRISTmas break is that she doesn’t get to go to school. She misses the independence, the life she is building, the relationships she is developing, and the moments she isn’t living in an environment that reminds her she is different. Ezzy received Student of the Month at her school for the month of November. I was informed that she received this honor because she is one of the most well liked students in her class, she is always offering to help and be a team player, and that she is such a joy to be around. Her teacher told me that all the children gravitate towards her, everyone wants to sit with her, play at her station, or have her attention. Yet she divides herself, being a friend to all.

That’s it my girl, shine that light, shine it bright.

In the quiet, in the stillness, I know God is there, waiting to answer my heart’s searching.

Ezzy is thriving in her new life. I talked with a mom from her class who told me she kept her child out of school almost the entire first month of school when they received the handout about a child with CF being in her daughter’s class, because her daughter was sick. The mom didn’t know me or Ezzy at the time. I have been stopped, emailed, called, etc. by people wondering how Ezzy is holding up at school. I can almost sense them brace and get ready to receive news that will require an empathetic response. Their surprise and relief is welcomed by my own heart as I digest the words, “She is doing amazing, thank God”. I was blessed to watch her dance in her ballet class, she is the smallest and youngest, yet I just read her review and her teacher said “is the sweetest girl, I enjoy having her in class”.

Watch out people, she is magnetic. I see it everyday. People at church will head straight for her, pat her head, try to get a word out of her, or just peek at her as she lives her life breaking the expectations her doctors have given. Children want to be her friend, strangers love her from afar and filled the tree with presents because they care for her and her story.

Sweet Ezrah May, 5 yrs old dreams of being a teacher one day, dancing as the sugar plum fairy in the Nutcracker and plans on going to college…away from us…yes, she reminds of us from time to time she isn’t living at home forever. Her determination is inspiring, if she wants to do, don’t stand in her way. Her heart is so big and she always sees your heart, not what is on the outside. In the past, her dreams caused the worst side of me to reign, but now I find myself sitting back, acknowledging and encouraging her dreams without seeing them shackeled with the chains of CF.

God is doing a work in me in many ways, but it all originates with a little tiny soul that came into the world on December 26 2009

Happy 5th Birthday Ezzy May

“mommy, I want to marry Thierry..”
“um, how come?”
“because he is a nice boy and has crinkly hair”
“hey richard come here”
“ezzy tell daddy what you just told me”
“daddy, I want to marry Thierry”
“I’ll tell you what Ezzy, if you can find a boy that loves God more then you, then you can marry him”

I’m sure that the expression on my face probably didn’t welcome Richard’s deep answer to his daughter’s fragile heart. That was not what I was expecting him to say to a little girl at an age that still thinks that Daddy is a perfect option for a future marriage. Maybe because the human side of me couldn’t handle to concept of my best friend, the other half of my soul, loving something, let alone someone more then me.

I filed that little conversation away in my heart, not knowing that those words would be something that I would experience coming to life just a few days later…

Mastitis, stupid, mastitis is a curse word in our home. I have battled it 4x in the past and was hoping that since we passed the newbornish age that I would be sailing through without finding myself sitting in a doctor office or worse yet another ER room, running a fever, wishing that the very things that give and have given life to my babies would be cut off of my body. Well, then 5 am came with me wincing as each suckle made my brain, body, and conscious battle each other over what really mattered. The fever came along with a hot red mass and soon my husband was sending me to bed as he cancelled his much anticipated trapping trip with a friend.

Guilt, pity, frustration, sorrow, anger…you name it, I experienced it as I laid in bed as the fever sent chills pulsating with each beat of my heart.

Banishment to the couch or my bed was what the king of the house ordained and I sighed with partial relief that my daily to do list wasn’t being ignored as he attempted to do all of my duties.

Yes, we do things differently. My standard according to him is impossible to reach and unrealistic for any human to obtain. Yet there he was feeding, clothing, packing lunches, shuttling kids to and from school and their activities. Meals, water, a hungry baby were brought to me and I was then relieved of any child rearing once a baby’s tummy was full.

He decided to take cayden to the store with him one evening to grab some of nature’s remedy for mastitis. I was informed that as they stood at the isle with the cabbage they laughed and searched for the biggest head of cabbage thanks to my mammories thinking they feed triplets. Even admist their trip full of laughing, he was modeling to our son how to care for sick wife.

Why did it bother me so much to allow my husband to care for me? Doesn’t it say in Ephesians 5 that a godly husband is to “love his wife as Christ loves the church”? I have read this passage countless times, then I watched my husband live it out. Christ loves the church, his bride, his people so much they he gave up his life for her. Richard didn’t give up his life in that moment as he slaved away over laundry, dishes, butts wiped, babies rocked to sleep in the early morning. But he attend to me in a way that made him think less of himself and more of someone else.

When his 3 days of being Mr. mom came to an end, we sat across from one another and discussed that we are happy with the roles that each of us have in our family. He told me respect has been given, I told him that I couldn’t do what he does each day, because believe it or not I missed being needed, beckoned, ran to when something happened. I watched Kyre soak up all his extra attention and knew that when he went back to work it was going to be hard on me, her, and Ya’el. The proof was hearing Kyre ask daddy why he had to go back to work the next morning.

We all in a way loved to be tenderly cared for in selfless love. He didn’t gripe when Ya’el woke yet again when her tummy needed food, when Kyre’s dire state required his action or when he crossed off yet another task in the daily needs a family of 6 have.

My Ephesians 5 man is currently in Seattle with Ezzy, they just completed her sleep study and we have be warned surgery most likely is in her future. But I am thankful to know that whatever health issues that get thrown our way that I, my children, or my husband don’t have to go through it alone. He is the head of our household, who he looks to to lead him impacts how he leads us. I witnessed my little guy see that his sister was embarrassed and immediately made her laugh about the wires stuck to her head. By the time they stopped talking she wasn’t covering herself up in shame. Yes, he IS learning from his daddy.

I get it now, I get why he must love someone more then me.

Thankful that my girls are having a standard set higher then most have in a broken world, because he examples what it means to have selfless love. He strives to answer their adoring female hearts not in fairy tales, but instead in Truth that can only come from his Heavenly Father.

Thankful my little man is looking to his daddy to teach him how to care for his family. I recently received a message on how my little guy was doing. I know that as his dad spends every night doing devotions with him, just the two of them, that my hubby is making sure that Cayden learns how to love his bride one day, but first points him to who he should love more then anything.

Hard to believe that 14 years ago we started out, unsaved, wide eyed with hearts full of youthful arrogance.

Proof that God can take you no matter how/where you are in your life and say “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness”- 2 Corinthians 12:9