W. Cayden

Today has finally come

The conversation of this day really started when we went on our big senior year trip together to Israel at the beginning of the year.  I knew the importance of saying things out loud and letting them soak for a bit.  I learned on all our long run Saturdays, training for ½ marathons when you were in 5 th grade; that you need time to process.  

My favorite part of the day on your senior trip was at the end, when we worked to the point our bodies told us we put in a solid day and we were sitting together, just the two of us, in the Shuk near old town Jerusalem, decompressing. I will forever cherish those times with you.

Listening to you understand world issues, after living through them and how they shaped you after our time in Israel, even though the last half of our time was living in a warzone, I know without a doubt God was working that out for what you have decided to commit yourself to in the coming years.

If I could tell myself what I would feel now in preparation of what is happening today, 8 months later…I can’t help but wonder if I would speak or live differently…

Regret loves to try and get the last say, thank God for His character of NEW!!

The beautiful thing about each rising sun, is there is NEW grace and NEW mercy waiting for us, just like the scriptures say in Lamentations 3:22-23.  In fact Cayden I am praying this verse over you now as you are learning today what the new normal is going to look like, “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

I haven’t taken lightly the texts or verbal words spoken to my face from other mothers about the first baby bird leaving the nest.  Those words have challenged my “tough it out” mentality and caused it to melt at times. Given me permission to feel all the feels. Inviting them in, allows for me to embrace and then let go…what we are all called to do when big emotions come, they are never meant to be our identity or reality.

It wasn’t that long ago that I swear I was telling you and Michael that you had only 20 more minutes to play before it was time to come in and wash up for dinner.  Saving the world would have to wait until the next day, chores, dinner and bedtime were your priorities.  

I cherished the days when I would hear from a community member after they ran into you, while we let your boundary lines expand in jr high. I would be given a report that every mom would hope to hear.  Then came the days that grown adults I grew to respect or my peers, would tell me that you were like no other young man they knew. Be still my heart.

Cayden Harney

I have known since the day I found out a miracle was growing inside of me that you would not have a normal road.

Yet here we are – walking not a normal road and trying to not freak out.

There won’t be Christmas breaks, spring breaks or summer breaks with you.  Your calling has you saying “see you later” for quite some time.  We both knew college wasn’t going to be your thing, but this…wow…

What does a mother of only 18 years, who still feels like a novice say to you, the grown man that is embarking on a journey of a lifetime?

In the quiet times I have let my emotional guards down and been honest with the Lord, I have come to a few things that I pray will be the anchor to the raging seas that will come as we continue this journey together. Mama and grown son.

MY Son – Remember:

#1- the fruit exposes the roots

What you do in this life will echo in eternity.  Every decision you make has ripple effect, what mark are you wanting to leave on this earth? You want to be able to sign off at the end of the day that you lived your life to the fullest, being true to God who formed you and created you to be. Your roots not only show WHO you are planted in, but what your fruit should look like.  My prayer for you as you live in this broken world, is that you will be the man that Jeremiah 17:7-8 says, “a man that bears fruit in ALL seasons”, because his roots are planted in God who brings us GOODNESS.  There will hands down be seasons of drought, but IF you remain in Jesus, He will give you all that you need.  I loved telling you recently of the times God showed up BIG for our family when resources or life circumstances were grim.  God ALWAYS gets the last say.

#2 – time is elusive 

I swear we were just talking about what it would be like to leave home and here you are, flying off to what will be home for the next 6 years or more.  I am so thankful for my sabbatical from work, because it provided more moments one on one (which you know is special in our large family).  We talked about things I never knew we would.  Yet time and time again, we came back to the fact that time moves quickly.  Cayden, seize the day, live like your future is secure in Christ, but with enough urgency that you say yes to the things that scare the crap out of you (because God is with you everystep of the way).  

If there is one thing we both can agree on, being the non-risk takers of the family, being on the other side of those risks, usually leave us with big smiles and shared words of joy.  Remember, to live is Christ, Jesus holds your tomorrow.  As long as you give each day to Him, you can trust that He has your back. Who else can define eternity, other than the One who created us?  Look to Him, the maker of time, to order your days.

#3 – Keep your eyes open and on Jesus

There are so many things that want to distract and take you away from what really matters.  Often there would be frustrations with your friends at times when choosing devices over real time connection was their priority.  You have understood from a young age the greatest gift you can give another, is the gift of your presence.  “Little man” was a nick name given and I still smile when I think of your chubby little cheeks, your soft tender voice and your resolute statements that reminded adults around you that you were wise beyond your years.  I was blessed to hear similar words spoken over you at your goodbye dinner last week and was challenged to trust the foundation you have.  You see, hear and feel Jesus – which is all I wanted for you in this life.  

Lately the Lord has been faithful in my human mom anxious mornings, to tell me that who you are getting ready to do life with, they NEED you.  Because you know Jesus personally – you will introduce them to Him.  Because your eyes see Him, your ears are tuned to His voice and your steps are calibrated to the leading of the Holy Spirit, the lost will be found.  When you face one of many moments when you don’t know what to do, LOOK to Jesus and He WILL lead you.

There are so many other things I could say to you, but I will rest in what I have shared.

The little boy that would coming running inside and ask for just a few more minutes, with nerf guns stuffed in his pants and more testosterone than I knew what to do with, is now a grown man who has made some significant choices that have you on new missions that I can’t even fathom.

I am thankful we booked the trip, even though it wasn’t convenient and came with different levels of costs.  Because I got to see you attend to each Harney sister and love them the way they were created to be loved.  You don’t know this now, but you continually have showed them what they deserve and who they should look for.  Thank you for loving sacrificially, the way that Jesus calls men to love women.  Thank you for being their protector and stepping in when they needed someone to fight for their worth or honor in a world that despises and uses women.  Thank you for choosing them, even when it wasn’t cool or cost you with your friends…what you, the Harney 5 pack have, it’s what people wish and pray for.

Son, I have cherished every late night conversation this last year, even when it was well past my bedtime.  I wouldn’t have wanted to be in any other war-torn region, than with you, reminding me what really matters.  I wouldn’t want any other guy, rage baiting me, just to be met with that smile that gets you out of any situation.  I wouldn’t want any other child, to learn how to go from nursery rhymes and sleeping in my arms, to listening to your words and watching you walk out the door into the world.

Cayden, we couldn’t be more proud of the man you are. What you are stepping into is just a bonus to the man we already know you to be today.  It may not make sense to others around you, the call you are stepping into, but it does to us. We have always known you were made for more than the status quo.  

Remember where you came from, remember WHO you are and remember the Author of your story knows what He is writing.

This is not goodbye, but “see you soon” son

Kyrene Grace

I have no idea how – but you are 15 today

One of the few things I appreciate about FB is how it gives us memories to reflect on.  The pictures of your 2nd birthday made me smile and then experience some sadness.  I smiled because there you were, being who you have been since God breathed His first breath in you.  You had a ski cap on, a hickory shirt that would have made your great-grandpa the logger proud, snow boots and a tutu.

That has always been you, grit and grace in harmony.

I was sad when I saw the pictures, because as Cayden and I recently shared with each other, you are the baby that we have the hardest time remembering.  You were so quiet as a baby, not demanding and loved to sleep.  I cried many days in the first few weeks of your life because you would barely nurse and were so tiny that I didn’t know what was going to happen.  Little did I know that your love to sleep was being shown then and would be something you have never grown out of.  Waking you is a struggle that so many of us have, you can sleep through any AK fall/winter storm, alarms and gentle nudges.

This last year I have seen so much growth in you.  I think that your prayer life and time studying God’s word would make even devout Christians question their rhytmns.  I love it when you say “mama! I was reading…and guess what?!”  Not only is the Word of God alive and powerful in your life, but it exposes things within your heart and mind that you want to process and live differently from.  You recently asked for a new Bible and I got distracted and never ordered you one.   Then one day I went into your room and saw your torn and tattered bible, full of every all the sermon notes from Sunday stuffed in there.  The Lord convicted my heart and told me, “Sarah, there is no one like her – help fan the flames of her heart”.

Whether we are walking on a trail and I get to hear how one of Paul’s letters to the church is challenging the way you see the church today or the book of James is telling you what to do with your doubt or standing in the warm Mexican waters in Cabo, praying over a soul that needed your gift of intercessory prayer…Kyrene Grace, you are like no other AND I am so thankful for that.

Recently while sitting in Sunday service, listening to the traveling missionary share their invitation to enter the mission field, you turned straight to me and told me, “Mama, I am going!”

Tears filled my eyes and the Lord reminded me of a prophecy that was prayed and spoken over you in the hospital before we bundled you up and brought you home to meet your siblings.  Your papa Leonard told us that you were called to the ends of the earth, farther then our hearts could fathom and handle at times and that we were to be prepared to let you go.  God is so faithful.  He is a God of preparation and goes before us on every road we travel.  He knew that we would need to hear that your missional, evangelistic, healing heart is going to follow boldly after the Lord.  Ever since that missionary challenged parents to let their families go and answer the call, that is what I have been doing.

You have a plan and want to become a pediatric nurse and then go and work in missional hospitals in 3rd world countries.  Be still my heart. Kyrene, I had a dream to one day work with Doctors Without Boarders, but God in His wisdom called me elsewhere.  Maybe He let me have that dream for a time, so that I could boldly support you in the calling you have to serve the least of these in 3rd world countries.

In fact Kyrene, I believe that is why God has placed within you a fire that burns and yearns for His word, because He wants to equip you to not just heal others with your future medical training, but also heal others’ hearts with the Word of God.

Kyrene, you inspired me to start rhythms that had shifted and changed thanks to the demanding season being a pastor can bring.  I hate saying it, but for a while, my personal studying of the Word was always in preparation for what I would be teaching or preaching and rarely just for my holy curiosity.  Because I could see the transformative work His Word does after each engagement in your life…I soon found myself hungering for that transformation again in my life.

I am thankful that the Lord is developing other loves within you.  Especially the love of wrestling.  You made the decision to try it after you watched your brother do it and completely surprised us.  We have watched you contend and get up from the mat, drained and seen you call forth the champ we know you to be.  There was a season of mothering 4 girls that I often told the Lord, “what were you thinking?”.  One of my greatest fears is how to protect you girls in a world that despises women and uses them for its’ consumption.  What am I supposed to do when you leave my safe little nest and run into people that want to take your bright light?

Gladly those days are no longer reigning in my heart – I feel bad for the person who thinks they will be able to put out your light.  Watching you on the mat is enough for me to sit back and remember what the Lord whispered, “Sarah, no one is like her”.

Kyrene Grace, you are growing in grace and wisdom far beyond your years.  You are learning how to harness your passion, that when it gives in to the world you walk down paths not meant for you.  Kyre – you see beyond the veil and you have been empowered to do things that others can’t.  I know that God’s anointing on your life is meant to bring healing to some of the hardest hearts and bodies.  I pray that the Lord protects your innocence, your gift of mercy and your contending heart.  I pray that Heaven’s armies guard and watch over you as you keep bolding following the whispers of the Holy Spirit.  I pray that every day you wake up, the enemy says “crap, she is awake”

Go get em champ – God’s on your side and we are sitting in the front row cheering you on

Happy 15th Birthday Kyrene Grace

Veil Eden

Months have passed since you turned 10 years old.  This season of your family’s lives is a bit cray cray and I hope that when you look back on this season you will understand why I am just now writing your birthday letter in November…and yes, Kyrene’s upcoming birthday next week has now made this a priority on the to do list that seems unmanageable if I am honest.

Never the less – just know “tiny”, that I have been savoring the memories and the words that I want you to know when you look back on the year you entered the double digits!

There is one thing that we can count on and it’s always been people underestimating you.  It’s not because of ignorance, but simply put, your size.

When your vernacular exits your tiny body, followed with a mature composure well past your ears – that’s when my heart flutters and I can’t help but match the smile they have on their faces as they look at you.

“Princess” was a term Mello, our waiter on our recent family cruise called you.  You held your menu with ease and ordered your starters, main dish and dessert like a seasoned cultured adult.  I felt all our eyes and hearts stop our conversations as we watched you order.

Veil, there is this undeniable pull that you have on everyone around you.  Your smile and gentle eyes are intriguing, I have watched people wrapped up in deep conversations that quickly turn to laughter as they hear your honest wit and take on life. I have found myself sometimes holding my breath in preparation for the unknown that will come out of your mouth.  If we are ever in need of a mirror, we just need to come to you.

Your soul that makes others feel at home, has been such a blessing to not just me on the long days of work but also your father.  When we snuggle on the couch with you, it ministers to our tired souls.

You have garnered yourself as one of the most important people on the children’s ministry team.  Fussy babies that don’t want to leave their mamas, take naps in your arms.  Busy little bodies that don’t know how to sit still, crawl in your lap while you laugh at their curiosity.  Adults that wonder if their sacrifice of serving in kids’ ministry, walk away relieved that what they are doing matters.

And like anything in life, the other side of your gentle soul, is a firery little spark…when you have your mind made up and you stare at the mountain, I do believe in my heart your faith is bigger than any fears, because you CAN tell mountains to move!

We entered the theater life thanks to you and this dream we didn’t know you held.  After years of only being a sports family, we soon found out what it meant to balance tryouts, play practices, memorizing lines and the specific makeup that had to be purchased.  But when we were all in attendance, with the lights dimmed in the auditorium, it became apparent to us, that everyone deserves to see your light shine, cause baby, YOU shine bright!

A recent drive we got to hear the strength that God has put inside of you and how you won’t let others dim it.  You informed the car full of Harneys that when you get married you will not be taking your husband’s name, but instead he will have to choose to be a Harney.  As my eyes widened and I wanted to correct you, I heard the gentle whisper of our heavenly Father tell me “shhh Sarah, she is embracing her strength and she needs too”.

I have seen and experienced the frustration and verbal processing that happens to a tiny soul that is often misunderstood.  Being told you can’t do something because you’re too young or better yet too small has been a regular experience, thanks to your size and also being the youngest of 5 Harneys that are all super independent.  When yet again another water slide informed you that you were too small, as we all stood in solidarity with you (hoping they would let the finger width of discrepancy go) you took it in stride and tucked those tears in.  You let us all convince you that it wouldn’t be that fun and made the most of what we could do with you on the cruise.

Veil, truth be told, we all want you to do EVERYTHING your heart wants to do. We love seeing your self confidence grow and yes sometimes, when necessary, your siblings will humble you when you have outpaced your inner grace.  There is something about watching you do something hard and something that is bigger than you.  I think you inspire us in so many ways, because when we struggle with our own fears and then watch you do hard things, it reminds us that we all have what it takes.  Thank you for your tenacity that you boldly live in – it’s making us braver than we thought we could be.

Veil, you help us keep our childlike faith, you help us focus on the things that really matter, you invite us to play when the world demands performance.  There were plenty of moments traveling on our recent trip where we could have sat in bad moods or let the triggers of traveling with 8 people in small spaces with little sleep for 2 weeks get to us.  But you were there to help refocus us, to remind us that all that matters is: did we laugh that day? Did we play that day? Did we go and eat good food? And did we choose Joy?

Our lives our richer because of you, we see the world through Jesus’ eyes because of you and we laugh in ways that would make comedians die for.

Veil Eden, you have entered the double digit era and are trying to race to be the same age as your siblings, yet God in His goodness has kept parts of you so pure, innocent and protected.  I celebrate that God chose us to be your family.  I love you more than you could ever know…and don’t worry, everyone knows you’re my favorite 

Happy birthday 10th birthday bean

Ya’el Ariel Ruth, today you are 12 years old.  You are entering into middle school in the fall and your height and changing moods have reminded me time and time again, that you are definitely a middle-schooler now

Even though another middle school is here for me to manage, yet another Harney girl being overtaken by vastly daily changing hormones, I have to say that as of now, your transition has been one that I am thankful for.  I might still be recovering from your two older sister’s and have been bracing for your change with caution and not wanting to set off any bombs.

There are still moments where I can’t help but think of you with your little bomb and dark brown skin.  Your chubby cheeks and black eyes, with your gentle smile, it melted everyone’s hearts.  People couldn’t stop telling you that you looked like Boo from Monsters Inc or the name you didn’t like was Dora the Explorer.  But it was when they experienced your willingness to be silly and dance to any song or to laugh with your belly at any joke or silly action, those were the moments that people couldn’t wait to be in your sphere.

Those years of being little are gone and thankful not a distant memory, I lived your tiny years with so much intentionality, realizing that I had let the years fly with the older siblings. Plusyou had your big brother wrapped around your finger and I found that he was a big reason why I was able to be so intentional with you, he helped me so much with you and your sisters.

You are now taller than your Naani, the mark of when you truly leave the child years behind.

This year I have watched you enter into the tweens like every girl does.  When your crush invited you over one day after school, I saw the temperature rise in your father as he realized, he now had a 3rd Harney girl to ward off the boys.  You also started to worry more about your attire and put aside the clothes that little girls wear.  I will never forget when you styled your hair, put on jewelry and colored lip gloss that I held my breath, you are already so beautiful and here I was getting a glimpse of the growing young woman you are.

I love your literal brain at times, it makes it easy to answer questions, however your questions can find my last nerve.  Watching movies that have twists and plots…your unending questions can push me over the edge.  You have to know, you have to have meaning, you are so curious about relational interactions and doing the right thing.

My proudest moment was when you were experiencing gossip in your friend group.  You came home and told me what you did.  You told the girl to not speak about others and things they had no business talking about. You told her that her words were harmful and that you would walk away from the conversation if she kept talking about the person.  You did all of this infront of your other friends.  Not worried about the cost of standing out and against the norm, but instead focused on integrity and kindness.

Integrity is so deeply woven in you.  You do the right thing, even when people aren’t watching.  The list of adults that have come to be and said “Ya’el is such a thoughtful person”, it’s pretty long.  Kindness, it’s evident of your faith in Jesus.  Because you know the importance of loving others and how Jesus has called you to love like Him.  I don’t ever worry about you being mean to others, because it’s not in you.  You respect others and give them dignity that I wish adults would live out.

We didn’t know what to think when you decided you wanted to wrestle.  How could tender and kind Ya’el find a fighter spirit?  I didn’t think you could do it, your dad however saw something I didn’t.  When you realized you couldn’t wrestle because your school didn’t have a team and the policy said you couldn’t wrestle for the other school’s team, you took action.  You braved the podium at the Borough Assembly meeting requesting the policy to be changed.  The microphone was taller than you.  But your Spirit was taller.  We watched you take first place in your first meet and you proved to me to never make assumptions about you.

It was during our recent tragedy in our family that I was reminded of who and how God is shaping your story.  The loss of your cousin is still something I can barely talk about without crying and you have been the one Harney to watch all my movements.  I walk into the door and I see you assess me.  I sit down and you are quickly there to rub my back and ask me “how are you doing today?”.  When I have let myself feel all the things, it was you standing right next to me during his slideshow at his celebration of life, holding me up and rubbing my back, while your aunt Sue was on the other side.  When someone asked me how I was holding up, I told them of how you have cared for my soul in mature ways that I would see from an adult, I told them, “Ya’el is another healer in our family lineage”.

Hearing that you are a vital volunteer in our kids’ ministry at church and how you are reliable, mature, kind and can take care of the littles, it makes my heart so proud.  Your gentleness has allowed for moms with clingy babies and toddlers, be able to sit in the sermon without them, because their babies find refuge in your arms.

I am aware that this year as you approach womanhood will come with moments of me having to put myself in time out and remember that your brain and hormones are fluctuating and changing at rates.  I promise boo, that I will try really hard to honor you and remember that deep inside of you, your kindness, your integrity, your love for others’, your ability to be a healer, won’t change.

We can’t wait to keep watching you grow into the young woman you are becoming…however your dad would like you to pump the breaks on your crush…but atleast your criteria and explanation couldn’t match his list of no’s.  You informed both of us that you would not entertain any boy unless he went to church, loved Jesus, was kind to his family and others and that you had no interest in holding his hand because that is for when you’re older…there you are being wise beyond years.

We love you boo, welcome to the tween year! I pray this year that God keeps showing you how to stand out in the crowd and point others to respect, love and care.  I pray that God protects your heart as you get exposed to things from other tween and teens and that you know you have a mama that is ready to talk about any burning question you have, uncomfortable or not!  I pray that you keep serving in ways that is shaping your understanding that a life of service is a life well lived.  I pray that you have friends that see the gift you are and treasure you as much as we do.  I pray that God keeps you firmly rooted in His word and you keep Him at the center of everything you face!

W. Cayden Harney – you are 18 years old today.  Your father just said “I can’t believe we have a 18 yr old, we are old”

I couldn’t agree more as I have been looking in the tired eyes and the newly sprouted grey hairs I have from living in a warzone with you recently in Jerusalem. Your entrance into the world 18 years ago has not been rushed but instead a steady cadence.

Every time I see a brand-new set of parents, I think about how crazy it was to be 23 years old, fresh out of college and working at my first job as a professional and reading the 2 pink lines.  Your dad and I had hopes of starting a family, but were told that it was going to be a LONG hard journey with no promises.  Yet there you were growing inside my belly.

You have had to deal with novice parents every single step of the way.  You have had to deal with inconsistencies in our parenting as you watched us adapt and learn new ways of doing things with each little sister.  You have made us face situations first – leaving all 3 of us with plenty of growth opportunities.

There have been moments I worry about how hard it was on you, having stressed out parents with a sick sister.  Her disease and diagnosis left us operating many times in unhealthy ways because we were white knuckling our way through life.  I am sure that one day you will need to go and have a counselor help you navigate some of your early childhood experiences.  Verbally processing has never been something you do willingly, but I know you have a lot to say.  You are very perceptive and can read between the lines.  Listening to you lead our mission team in morning devotions, left tears in not just my eyes.

While we were in Israel, one of our team members told me they couldn’t believe you were only 17, they assumed you were 21.  Another team member said “he carries himself so well in conversations and can surpass adults in his insights”.  Another team member said, “it is evident Cayden has a call on his life to teach the gospel”.  One of the international workers said “I would love to have him come and live with us for a year – he is such a good man”.

It shouldn’t surprise me that people see you for who you are.  Ever since you were a little boy, people have identified your leadership skills, your compassion, your advocacy for the least of these, your determination and your deep soul.  I smiled at every parent/teacher conference through the years, as your teachers would say “I can’t wait to see what he will do in this world”.  It’s a well-known fact that we all know you aren’t meant for mediocrity – you are meant to change the world.

While in the warzone and being stuck with a rule following mom – you pushed the line. We were going stir crazy, it had been days of being cooped up.  We were given the go ahead to go for a run; we had lived the life of sheltering in place as soon as the alerts and sirens went off for DAYS.  We had learned where the shelters were because of the few times we would leave to go and get food.  You decided to take us on a route that would let us explore a little. I was nervous – I wanted to follow the rules.  But then I heard the Spirit of God say “you can trust Him – I am leading him – you will not be in danger”.  It was clear as day.

So, I relinquished control – something that God was trying to teach me in that moment.  Because in a few short months I won’t have any say to where and when you go on adventures.  You will be living your life and being the man that we have prayed and waited for you to be.

That run ended up being one of the highlights of our trip.  As you ran and then would hold back for your slow mom, I realized this is now how life is going to be. You would wait and make sure I could still see you and check to make sure I was ok.

Watching you from a distance, living your life and making your own way in the world, but with the promise that you will look back at your mama, your home, your family and check in with us…was telling me a deeper story.

The Lord was and is faithful to teach us lessons and He does it gently if we allow Him too.

Who knew a run in the warzone would be what I needed to address my own insecurities about letting my first baby bird fly out of the nest?!?

God in His goodness didn’t let that be the only lesson – letting you go to the gym to workout and make new friends in Jerusalem would be another testing moment for me.  When you came back and asked to go to the local market to get a post workout snack late at night…I was besides myself.  In a different country, going with strangers, late in the evening…this is what all the crime documentaries make movies out of.

In my fear – the Lord met me and said “Sarah – can you trust him to be the man you have been trying to raise?  Can you trust MY Spirit that is within him”…so again, I was challenged with letting you go and be the man you have become.

Never in a million years would I think that friend would be someone we would get to see again as we had the unexpected detour of having to get out of Israel by crossing through 3 different countries.  Meeting your friend by the Taba crossing was surreal and I felt the delight of the God over you.  Cayden you are going to continue to make connections with others that defy logic – because of the Favor of the Lord that is over you.

While walking and watching you talk with your new friend the Lord told me to look down and there was a heart rock waiting for me.  Proof that there is no where you or I will go, without God preparing and making a way for us.

While walking the streets late in Athens (our few hours layover in our adventure in coming home from a warzone) you interrupted me while talking with our friend to point out the young mom with 3 littles, begging on the street. You could have walked by, not turned and motioned for me to see souls in NEED of help. But that is NOT you. I grabbed the cash I had left in my wallet and walked over and finished what you started. Thank you for not letting the marginalized be invisible. Our friend turned to me and said “Sarah – he is a GOOD man”. I couldn’t agree more.

Cayden your steady spirit, your ability to find the humor or upside to the uncertainty of war was just what I needed.  It was a gift for me to have you there – when chaos became our norm.  

Thanks for keeping me grounded and YES calling me to truth when I needed it. You are going to be such a good husband and father.

You let me know time and time again – that you’re ready to enter the adult world.  You already have, you have countless adults that see your potential and want to find ways to have you work in their field or give you advice on how to get to the highest level of success.

In all the voices that are cheering you on and seeing WHO you are.  William Cayden Harney, I pray that the voice you tune your ears to the most is the one of our Heavenly Father.  He has never led you astray.  You have led in places that needed a Christ-centered leader – because of the giftings He has given you and also because you know His voice.  You have been given responsibilities that exceeded your age – because employers know you can be trusted.  You have been tasked with at times taking the heat for those who made bad choices, because you choose to never leave a man behind.

As you are officially no more a child and today a man.  I want to tell you how proud I am of you.  You are more than what my heart thought to dream of 18 years ago.  You are more than what my novice prayers asked for. You are more than WHO I tried to raise, despite my own brokenness that showed up in parenting you.

W. Cayden Harney – stay centered on Jesus.  Keeping paving new paths, but don’t forget to look back and check in on your old mom.  Keep showing up and amazing people with your quiet, steady soul.  Never forget where you came from – because we all can’t wait to watch you tackle this world.

Love you son, swimming in the Red Sea was unreal!! So many memories made with you – welcome to adulthood

14 years old today

I can’t even.

There was a photo that came up of her 2^nd bday party recently.  She was flashing her cheesy smile and rocking a tutu and a beenie.  I was transported to a time that has always been a blur for me.  Kyrene’s 2^ndbirthday was outside, in November…at Ward Lake.  We wanted to celebrate her birthday and give her the love she deserved, but life with Ezzy and Cystic Fibrosis made things like birthday parties hard.  In order to have all the people that we wanted there, during cold and flu season, it meant we had to brave the cold to keep Ezzy safe.  But she was worth it to everyone to be there in the freezing cold.

Even though I am the one that only remembers why her party was outside, I know that those formative years shaped the heart that I am seeing in Kyrene today.

Like any teenage girl, 7^th grade year is hard.  Being a mom of 4 girls, I am being constantly reminded each child is different.  But what one common factor I find when raising girls is that girl drama gets cray cray by 7^thgrade.

I watched Kyrene navigate surprises, betrayal, cyber bullying & lots of tears and hard words shared.  It was challenging to help her process how to clean up the relational messes she made at times.  All in all, I found myself bracing for what each day would bring, because girls…can be so ruthless.  The loneliness, the convincing herself that she was better off alone was heartbreaking.  

I could relate all too well to the daily pain she was living.

In one of my own rants to God about the things she was going through, I heard the Lord remind me to pray for her to have friends.  Not just any friends, but 1-2 quality friends.  Friends that would get her humor, her loud animated stories and her love of any living creature.  I spent months asking God to send someone.

It wasn’t until today, while writing this blog that the Lord reminded me of His leading to ASK.  Scriptures tell us, “you have not, because you ask not”…how many times have I let fear or insecurity stop be from asking God for help.  Stinking thinking.

Gone are the lonely days that plagued her 7^th grade year!  A shift happened this summer.  Maturing isn’t easy, but so necessary.  We all have areas to GROW UP in, right?

The once quiet room, is now filled with FT calls from friends, her evenings and weekends are spent with girls who are pursuing Jesus and wanting to stay away from the girl drama.  Watching Kyre and Boo be on the same outdoor team this year was precious.  They had their own sister handshake after each goal! Got me teary eyed every time.  

BUT the greatest victory came just last month, Kyre shared how she was getting pulled into some drama.  She said how when the person tried to stir the pot, instead of getting defensive or asking questions, she replied “I am not going to talk about that” and changed the topic.

And guess what…the drama that could have grown.  Didn’t.  Because she learned the hard way.  The only way you stop gossiping, is to say OUTLOUD “I will not talk about that”.  Plain and simple.

If I was there, I would have been cheering her on from the sidelines.  Knowing how much courage it takes to be the one, the one person who shuts down the gossip and models a new way.

Kyrene Grace.  The Lord made you a trail blazer.  He put that fire in you to burn hot the way it does because it brings warmth and light to those in need.  He asked you to burn hot for Him, which means that in this broken world, there will be so many other things to burn for.  But REMEMBER, He has asked YOU to learn how to temper your passions at times, so that He can show YOU what self-control and discipline CAN do under pressure.  He has equipped you with the GRACE to own your faults, ask for forgiveness and give it to those who can’t give it to you.  I am thankful you are still the fierce prayer warrior you started to become as a small child.  The gates of hell shake when you use your spiritual gift of intercession!!

Thankful the Lord is letting me grow up in understanding and grace with YOU.  Kyrene the world is a better place because of the light that you shine.  Love you sweet girl.

Sweet 16

Ezrah May, you’re 16 today.  It’s safe to say that you are fully aware of how big this day is for you.  Not only have you reached a milestone that every single normal teenager can’t wait to reach, but you reached it in a way that we never knew would happen.

16 years ago – we were told that these years would be the super hard years.  We were told that by the time you reach highschool, you would be homeschooled, living in and out of the hospital.  Too sick to play sports, too sick to have events to go to on the weekend, too sick to think about school dances, too sick to think about a boyfriend…too sick to dream.

I remember watching a movie or show one time and a family was given a grim prognosis for their family member and the mom’s response to the Dr was “science can only go so far, the rest is up to God”.  I took that little phrase and challenged my heart and mind to say this OUTLOUD through the years as I recalled or was handed papers or news that left us clinging to “the rest is up to God”, through the years with Ez.

I don’t need to rehash the years that were molding and shaping our faith…because you can just read past blogs about life with Cystic Fibrosis and how we faced the ups and downs.

What I want to say is that this year has been quite frankly the most normal and YET supernatural year to date.

I watched Ezzy make Varsity basketball…the most heavily attended sport in our town.  I watched her ride the bench game after game.  And you know what, the bench was the best spot she could have ever been, because her character was seen.  She spent 15 years rarely getting to go to things because of her compromised health, the sidelines, the bench – she took the bench as having a front row seat, to her closely held dreams.  She turned our family motto that year “the bench makes you BETTER!”, into her own mantra AND her sportsmanship garnered her being a starting 5 for regions. 

I watched Ezzy have her first real boyfriend and we learned how to let her go in another way that we didn’t dare to dream…we were told by so many parents that teens with CF struggle having relationships because of the toll of their health and constant sickness/hospitalizations make it hard for peers to fully understand.

It’s safe to say, that even God took care of that too.  Who would have thought that all those years I was begging for God to grant her atleast one boyfriend in her limited lifespan…he would send the most empathetic, compassionate, tenderhearted and full of MERCY young man in her life.

I have had the priviledge of watching Ezzy go after things that I never even thought would happen.   If you had told the scared mom 16 years ago, that was told we would be living COVID protocols for her entire life and that some how she would be wrestling her sophomore year…I wouldn’t have believed you.

Ezrah May…your tenacity and also perseverance to dream bigger than jaded adult brains…it’s your super power to all the things you’re doing now…

There have been moments where Richard and I have sat in wonder as we watched you do things that our scared and self-protecting hearts didn’t allow us to imagine.

But what I want to say has made me the proudest mom to date about my miracle.

It’s her FAITH and DEDICATION to Jesus.

If you had told me that I would have a living and dinning room full of teens EVERY single week, gathering around my table, bibles open, hearts hungry & souls searching…because of Ezzy…I wouldn’t have believed you.

Remember – Ezzy spent most of her childhood, restricted and had to be so careful who she was around, because kids are germy!

Those teens, surrounded her, prayed outloud over her and are learning WHO Jehovah Rapha (the God WHO HEALS) is.  Because whether or not they realize it, they are doing life with a daily miracle.

Ezrah May – God is continually showing me how I put limits on Him.  He is continually showing me the areas I need to let Him grow my faith in.  Because pain – pain makes us jaded.  Pain holds us back from HOPE.

Today we are celebrating our miracle.  But truth be told, it’s not just today.  We have been living  this miracle the last year and half and are so thankful for modern medicine and the power of prayer.

Science explains the HOW, but God explains the WHY.

Ezrah May, since you breathed your first breath, the world has tried to write your story for you.  Yet the world forgot who the AUTHOR of every story is, Jesus.  I am so thankful that God entrusted you to us, so that we would be reminded of our daily need of Jesus.  So that we would find ourselves humbled at times, by our humanity that required our FAITH to wait and watch GOD do what only He could.  Gratitude, love – words that don’t convey how we feel about her medical team and those who chose to walk a “limited lifestyle” so they could be a part of your safe circle. We have been blessed and never alone on this journey.

Don’t be afraid to ASK God for the BIG scary things.

December 26^th – started the biggest faith journey of my life to date AND guess what, God has been FAITHFUL to my girl and to us EVERY SINGLE BREATH she has taken.

ASK Him.  

Miracles still happen.

Just look at Ezrah May Harney

Happy sweet 16 Ezzy – we love you and safe to say, so many others do as well!  If you didn’t have a chance to read the article our paper did on her last week, here you go!

“What is it like, now that your baby boy is 17? Just one more year mama…”

The first question that Kyre asked me when she saw me this morning.  I hadn’t quite registered the day, I was still trying to get past the normal Sunday morning wrestle of quieting my introverted soul.  Sundays are so peopley…

“Just one more year”.

I remember reading this obnoxious book that a college friend got me for Cayden’s baby shower.  When I opened the present there was a collective sigh when other attendees saw the title of the book.  However, this was a book that had never crossed my path.  Which was surprising given how much time I spent in early childhood development, in my college years.

I was reassured countless times that I would love this book.

I remember reading the book and tossing it to the side.  Richard was perplexed with my dislike for a book (I have been known to become a shell of myself for days when I have a book in my hand).  This book, this book rubbed me the wrong way.  How could anyone love this book, let alone think that I might like it…?

Richard laughed after he read the book and I decided to put it to the side.

It wasn’t until I had a day with my curious, problem solving, independent 2 year old Cayden, that I found myself with the book placed in my lap.  His big brown eyes and his chubby little hands were not giving me any other options.  I sat down and pulled him into my lap and read the book to him.

The book that I decided was ridiculous…now had a deeper meaning to me, something my soon -to-be mama heart, couldn’t understand 2 years prior.  But now my veteran mama heart, with 2 under 2 could get.

Just one more year…

The dreams we’ve listened to, the conversations he would have with us about the intense vocations his little soul thought would be cool to do. The things he wanted to do when he grew up and no longer lived with mama and daddy.

Those are no longer childish conversations; they now require us to stop and treasure the moments he comes to us.  When he opens up his ideas and dreams to us, we are fully aware they don’t come like they use to when he was 7.

Now how to invest, the economy, politics, “how to” videos or logistics of where he will live next year are happening.

It’s not a Tonka Trucks that he asked for this year, instead it was a real truck that he drove away in, after placing the check in the seller’s hand.

When asking for forgiveness in a major mess up on my end and to be honest, lack of self regulation, I got to see the man he is, the man I prayed he would be.

I couldn’t believe it, how quickly he extended forgiveness.  Verbally and emotionally.  I sat in a moment of disbelief.  It took me by surprise.  I had acted at my worst, I was ready for him to let me know my failures, to give me the silent treatment.  (Things from our past that creep in when we parent, right?).

When I asked “why are you not going to hold this against me?”

His response was “we forgive, we are family and that’s what family does”

So simple, yet so healing for me to experience and see it be a truth formed in him.

There are a lot of things to still sit and listen to, we have one more year. But if this next year is like the prior ones, it will be over before we know it. We are doing our best to pause and take these moments in.

Richard and I recently talked about goals and things that we want to leave behind for our kids.  Like any parents, we would love to leave behind generational wealth.  As we have invested in their cultural wealth, by choosing to raise them in their culture, we will leave behind clan bearers and clan protectors.  But more than anything, we want to see a spiritual legacy.  What will our children do when they raise the next generation.  What values will they take from us?

Raising kids in a small town is a gift, we always get reports of our kids.  Good and bad.  But man I sure love the good ones, when I get to hear about who Cayden is in the community.

Cayden your quiet demeanor is a gift.  I know it’s part of who you are as a native man, but I see it as a gift God has given you.  Because when you speak, you hold the room, because you don’t waist words.  The natural favorabilty with people is because there has been an anointing over you have a heart like King David, a man after God’s own heart. 

You cast a big safety net every where you go, because you bring the light.  Walking with you in the dark after a Zach Bryan concert to find our ride, never made me question my safety.  As much as the cheer girls drove you crazy, I know how much you earned their respect by how you treated them.  Listening to Veil call you while you were gone this last week and how sweet you were to her…I know I am not the only one who sees your tender side. 

Even your surprise tattoo was well, you being you.  A legacy maker. You are a good man Cayden Harney, even if I told you that I didn’t want anymore ER visits and you still didn’t listen…I swear son…”

Happy birthday William Cayden, 17 years old!

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I am living my baby you will be…