“Everything happens for a reason” is a statement made by so many people after hearing a person share their recent hardship. I have said it before, mainly to others who share a faith in Christ, but yes I have said it and quite possibly disregarded the person’s concerns or worries over the matter…
My hubby recently said those very words to me after a shock that was delivered to me last week.
If you know me, watched my personal story from a distance or only “know” me from reading this blog, I think it is safe to say that you know I am very proactive in personal health and fitness. It all sparked and went a healthy direction (no crazy diet, detox, promise in a bottle, or starvation-all of which I fought and succumbed to for 6 yrs) since the diagnosis of Ezzy. Lung function, a well balanced clean diet is essential to her fight with Cystic Fibrosis. It was a learning curve to instill those principles to all family members and not just directly to her. I knew without a doubt that it would be imperative that I model the lifestyle she needs and also critical that her family walk the journey with her.
We slowly began to say goodbye to processed foods, cutting little things as we went, no more Kraft mac’n’cheese, limited the intake of individually wrapped snacks and removed all store bought meat from our diet. Thankfully we live in a place where we can go and hunt on land and sea to consume safe meat free of unnecessary antibiotics, pesticides, hormones, etc. Currently my 8 yr old is on his way to Yes Bay for a salmon run with his uncle! How we gather in the summer impacts our fall, winter, and spring months. It was a little painful in the beginning, I loved Campbell’s soup mixes, pillsbury biscuits, rice a roni, banquet chicken nuggets…how else does a mom with multiple mouths feed them quickly and on a tight budget?
I soon found that as we limited or removed much of our go to diet, we all began to feel better. We actually get really sick when we venture out and try to eat heavily processed foods or occasionally go to a restaurant.
I had been putting off some recent lab work required for this pregnancy, manly because the time frame can be challenging with having 4 kids home in the summer. When I finally saw a pocket of time that would work, I brought myself in and had quieted the lingering fear that had been on my heart the last few months.
Any lab worker that tells you the glucose drink isn’t that bad is LYING, LYING to you…
I choked it down, breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth and went on my way with a time frame to be back within an hour to check my how my body handled the sugar. I received a phone call from the nurse a few hours later and was told what no pregnant woman wants to hear “you failed the glucose test”. I was given orders to march my butt back into the lab and prepare myself for the extensive glucose test.
Anxiety, the little obnoxious friend that knows where to linger soon was standing in front of me.
After talking with my friend who is an RN, she highly encouraged me to not try and “cheat” my way out of the test, she said, “eat the way you normally would, if you have gestational diabetes, then you absolutely want to know”. I did just that, I had salmon spread with whole wheat crackers and some grapes for dinner at the beach with my family.
I attempted to chug the heavy syrup the next morning and prayed that it would stay in my body. With each blood draw I had anticipated feeling weak and shaky, like I had the other times I had to do the 3 hr test. But it didn’t come, I felt hungry, but not on the verge of passing out, something I almost did once.
There was a quiet calmness, I had spent the night before talking with God and asking him to help me see that if something was wrong, that I needed to know for the safety of our number 5. I told myself that the risk of not knowing and the dangers that could come were why I was allowing my arm to be pricked more then 4x.
I was informed within 30 minutes of my final blood draw that I do in fact have gestational diabetes.
Being my normal self, I held back the tears, let my doctors words “you didn’t do anything wrong” go in one ear and out the next. When I found myself in the safety of my husband’s presence I let the tears fall, I was mad, ashamed, worried and just plan shocked. “How could this happen?” “Doesn’t this happen to people who don’t take care of their bodies?”
Later that day, my closest and dearest friend called me randomly. I say randomly because we have to work really hard at scheduling phone dates because we live in different states, we are stay at home moms to multiple children and our family schedules are different. But there she was calling me as I was cleaning the kitchen wallowing in self pity. After getting off the phone with her, I was reminded “do not worry about tomorrow, what you will eat or where, doesn’t our Heavenly Father feed the birds in the air and clothe the flowers in the field?”. Even the sparrow He sees and cares for. I was the sparrow that day, I was the one that needed to be cared for, it came in the form of a friend who heard the Holy Spirit tell her to call her friend, and she listened…oh and did I mention she is an RD?
After being trained to use the glucometer, identifying some triggers to my sugars spiking and not resolving in a timely manner, and quite frankly choosing to put my trust in God alone, I am feeling much better with this humbling diagnosis.
I was challenged to see that all those times I tell Ezzy she doesn’t have a choice, she is going to do her therapy, she is going to take her pills, she is going to have to miss out on an invite to an event due to the risks to her health, that I am now having to follow and OBEY a similar mindset.
Cayden has taken it upon himself to check my sugar numbers, he will even add commentary when I have reach a number that he deems unacceptable. I thankfully have not had a single bad draw, the little modifications that I have made to when/how much food I consume is helping. Turns out going 6 hours inbetween meals, with no snacking is really hard on the pregnant body, working out on an empty tummy each morning has been negatively impacting how my body responds to sugar and carbs, even if they are consumed in small doses.
The next 8 wks of this pregnancy are going much differently then I wanted, but deep down, I knew the Lord was preparing me for this journey, something inside told me that this was going to be the outcome. I am now a high risk patient, have to be seen every week, have stress tests done and additional ultrasounds to see if baby is growing too big too fast. For pete’s sake, please don’t say “oh, that is going to be a big baby” when you see me, I don’t need that. FYI I am measuring JUST FINE, even if some people think I am having twins or look full term. My weight gain has been perfect and so far the scary risks are not knocking at my door right now. I was told as the pregnancy progresses the risks get higher, so I am faithfully following all the rules for a woman with gestational diabetes and praying that those risks stay far away.
SO why am I sharing this with you all? To be completely honest, I had NO plan so of sharing this news. I was going to take it to the grave, only letting my mom and hubby know. I did’t want to be judged, have people say “of course she does, look how big she is”. I didn’t want to deal with the feeling of “what are they going to say about this when I am not around?”. Then it smacked me right across the face…I share Ezzy’s story with you all. WHY? Because I NEVER want her to be ashamed or embarrassed about her story, she did nothing wrong, I have witnessed beauty come from the ashes, I have seen glory come from her trials, I have seen faith strengthened or spring up from dry wells as she fights the good fight. Diabetes is something we have had to prepare for with Ezzy and her CF and now, in God’s grace we will be even more prepared for that day when it is part of her story. How dare I be ashamed and try and hide a story that God has intended since day one in my life.
I will always welcome prayer, specific prayer now that I am doing the hard part and being an open book. Prayer that baby grows normal, doesn’t have issues after birth (breathing mainly-due to the fact she is getting double the insulin she needs, mine and hers) that I can keep seeing this part of our story as another time to see God’s provision, protection and beautiful plan.