So I have been putting off writing this post, I could blame the business of the season, the fact I’m just getting over a cold, or the blame the simple fact I’m pregnant and have 3 kids to care for and I’m just plain tired. But if I had to be honest, I have dreaded writing this. Its not fair, its not her fault, but I do feel guilt that I couldn’t wait to write about her brother and sister and what their birthdays meant to me after some time of reflection. Just sitting here I feel the dampness on my cheeks, the bleeding wounded heart seeping and the bitterness mixed with gratefulness if that makes sense…so here I go
Ezrah May you are 4 years old! You have been patiently waiting for the month “Cember”, you have told people in the grocery store, people who have stopped by to pick things up on salecycle, or stopped those people in church whom you love and made sure they all knew your birthday was looming. After proudly announcing your older age, you then state, “I’m going to cool (school) with Cayden!”. You can’t wait to grow up, it wasn’t to long ago when we were talking about going to college with your brother and having him reply he did NOT want to move away from us, that you without missing a beat said, “I’m going to move away!” There was so much determination in your voice that it caught your father and I off guard. It broke our hearts in more ways then you could understand.
You have so many goals right now, for only being four. I’m thankful that you got the dreaming gene from your father, that the world isn’t always in black and white like it is for me. You need to dream little one, because when you have dreams, it means you have a hope and future. Those are two very big things to cling to on this journey God has called you on. Admist your dreams, I sense a seriousness about you, and discernment in your soul that you know you that you NEED to make goals and dream big. There is a look in your eyes when you talk earnestly about your future, that makes me stop what I am doing and listen. You love to tell me your dreams, in fact you feel them so intensely that you will at times have tears in your eyes after sharing them with me or nana. You can tell a story and show me that you at times live in another world, maybe as a coping mechanism.
Your sweet spirit, that doesn’t always grace us has been my friend this month. Maybe God knew I needed some joy, I needed a reason to just sit and smile with you, instead of muttering things under my breath about the life He has called you too. I have been told on a daily basis this month, “mom you are the best mom in the WHOLE house!”. Hey, I’ll take any complements from you, since most of the time your critiques on my parenting do not reflect those sentiments. I have found you running to lay in my arms and not daddy’s on occasions that would have sent you running to him.
I also had the pleasure of watching you stand in front of the waitress at the restaurant after your birthday dinner and look up at her with your big brown eyes, holding your baby in your arms, and saying “thank you for dessert!, it was SO yummy!”, without any suggestion from your manner driven mom.
I have found relief in your joy surrounding the growing baby in my belly. It has been a welcomed difference from the state of mind you had last year about having more children. You surprised us when you told us you didn’t want us to have anymore kids, after hearing your brother beg for more. You simply stated you didn’t, “want another baby”, that you didn’t, “want the baby to have CF”. At 3 yrs old you had comprehended the difficult life of CF. But now I find you standing behind me with a big smile while Im getting dressed and never hesitating to tell me “wow mommy, your tummy is getting so fat!”. You will reach out and rub my belly if I’m standing close to you, you will tell me all the things you can’t wait to do with the baby, and you even have now said, that you think we should have a boy, since cayden doesn’t have a little brother and you have Kyre. Far cry from a few weeks ago when you told everyone you only wanted another baby “siser”.
My sweetest memory of you this year, was a few weeks ago. We had headed to ballet the weekend after thanksgiving. No other parents showed up. The teacher kindly decided to do some stretches with you since we were there. I finally got to watch in person, after weeks of sitting in the hallway, unable to see what you were doing. You sat straight, placed your sweet little arms up above your head and followed each direction with intensity. I all of a sudden I found tears streaming down my face, the worst thing ever, since you know your mommy hates crying, let alone in a public place. I was engulfed with the realization that you were growing up, that you had a life outside of our safe little hermit shell and that you seemed to be thriving. I started to cry tears of grief, of sadness, and more importantly of hope. I envisioned you being a teenager, coming to the ballet studio any chance you got making sure you had every detail worked out for your soon to be audition for the dance scholarship in college. You were beautiful, you made my heart skip a beat, and you allowed me to dream for just a second and not get caught up in the crappy statistics of CF.
We just watched Despicable Me 2 last friday. There is a scene where Gru gets ready to put the girls down and goes to kiss the youngest goodnight. She says something really cute and funny to him and you see him look longingly at her, with contentment, with complete joy because he knows he can’t imagine life without her, that he is SO thankful for her. He kisses her and pats her on the head and says “never grow up agnes, never grow up”. That scene killed me. I got it, I understood in that second that it summed up the dance I find myself in with you. There are days I just want you to stay little forever, in this safe little bubble we have created for you and not even think about your tainted future. Then there are days, that I somehow allow the massive walls I have built to crumble and I sit and dream of your future. A future God has told me to start praying specifically for. God recently laid it on my heart to pray in a specific way for your future husband, I wont say who or what He told me, but I will tell you it gives me hope, because why would God ask me to pray for the future I tend to block out and not dream in.
So my Ezzy May, I just want to say that even though I have questioned God, more times then I ever want to admit because it would reveal my true lack of faith, I want you to know that I can’t imagine my life without. It never fails that when you are sick like you are now or when we relieve this time of year that the feelings and realization of blessings are clouded with the fact I still ask God why. I still ask him why he didn’t heal you, why he hasn’t healed my heart. I wonder if my faith wasn’t strong enough, if I didn’t pray hard enough as I watched you cling for life, or wonder if I am paying for past sins.
All I know is that you have taken my breath away, that you have carved a deep hole in your father’s heart that only YOU can fill, how you and your Nana have a bond that no one can break and you guys speak to each other’s heart in only a way you two can, you have been the best big sister to Kyre, patiently giving her lessons in how to fake cry or better yet how to perfect 1st and 2nd position in ballet,
how you many times will come to the aide of your brother when he is avoiding cleaning the bomb in his room,
and the way you have stolen hearts of people who have loved you from afar and have followed your journey these last few years. Your thankful heart reflects the very mold God made you in, this thanksgiving your thankful list was sweet and concise and summed up who you are. Your love of your two bestfriends and your outlet in life has made your quality of life very full.
Ezrah May, thank you for being a tough little warrior. One that faces the challenges with a bravery I’m in awe of, I just sit in shock watching you hand your arm over to do your labs and as it is covered in IV scars from your life in the hospital. I watch you allow the doctors to poke and prod you, just to hear you tell them “thank you” with tears down your face after having the massive q-tip shoved down your throat for the culture.
I pray that when you start to get older, when you start to grasp the future with CF, that you will hold tight to the dreams you have fiercely made, that you will continue to teach me that some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I pray that the courage God instilled in you will be something you continue to teach me so that when you have days that you find yourself in the black hole that has become my comfort, that I will be your strength, that I will be able to tell you that there is a hope and future, because you showed me it.
Ezzy May, we love you, we treasure you and we pray you know that our lives have been enriched by you, that God in His confusing ways made you in this package for a purpose and how we have the choice to cling to the fact that you are ours, and we are the ones blessed to have you! Happy birthday my 4 year old!