Thankful or anxious?

So two weeks have now passed since my OB doc told me “anyday”…

I know, my last blog that I wrote I sounded in control of the crazy hormones almost every pregnant woman faces her last few weeks of pregnancy. I had truly convinced myself that I was OK with God’s timing, because he knows best. All those sentiments have slowly been running away to far away locations and I’m not sending out a search party for them.

To attempt to keep myself in check and chill out, since the peace I was clinging to disappeared when I was told I could be holding my baby girl “anyday”, I decided last week to make a thankful list of things I had the chance to do that wouldn’t be possible or very difficult to do with a newborn. Don’t get me wrong, I would trade the miserably constant full feeling, the achy body at the end of the day, the swelling fingers and legs, the 5 lbs I just gained in ONE WEEK, in an instant if it meant she was here to smell, nurse, and gaze at.

In the last two weeks I have been called “fatty” by another female…yeah…I shook that off as best as I could. I have been asked “how much farther can that belly stick out?!?” or my absolute favorite, “you haven’t had that baby yet?” Yup, because I CHOOSE to keep her inside me, all to myself, sucking my reserves and making me less then patient with my husband who tells me that he is done with pregnant sarah…I can’t blame him…I AM done with pregnant sarah.
It hasn’t helped that I tested positive for the first time with group strep B and also have had swelling, enough to concern my doc. I have had to do 2 stress tests in the last week and try to “take it easy” and drink tons of water. I’m already a water drinker and I swear it’s all I have been doing is drinking water. I know strep B is common, but you see I have had 2 friends with sick babies because of this common treatable bacteria. So as my mom and Richard keep saying, I have to trust God even more and know that he is keeping careful watch over baby girl and careful watch over my heart IF I just let him.
As we approach my so called LAST week of pregnancy, I have recently learned the OB providers are perfectly comfortable allowing women go a week past their due date before even talking about inducement, I am making the choice to find something to be thankful for each day that I am still pregnant. Because let’s face it, when baby girl gets here, as restricted as I feel now, it will not compare to the list of restrictions with a newborn and a tired body trying to recover from birthing yet another human. I am fighting the urge inside of me and daily making a choice to be thankful instead of anxious and realize that I will be sad down the road when I watch her grow with each milestone and say goodbye to the baby years for good. I was talking with God, sharing with him that I’m ready and am going to keep putting on a brave face, but that my sanity is slipping and he COULD take care of the situation…hint, hint. It was shortly after that I realized it was June 2007 when Cayden was conceived, it was that very month that God decided to hear our breaking hearts and knit our firstborn in my womb. Here I am, 7 years later and that same month is closing a chapter in our lives as we prepare to bring another and our very last life into the world that has been tenderly, lovingly, and perfectly made by our maker. Ironic? NO.

So while I am trying to rest in this realization that June brings about the celebration of another year married to my best friend and the sweet memory of the conception of our son, I’m going to do my best and accept that most likely the birth of baby girl will take place during that very month, which is days away. Prayers for health and protection over baby girl, that she doesn’t get sick would be appreciated! Prayers for our big kids, ALL of whom started antibiotics for various sicknesses within the last 24 hrs, Ezzy is fighting a double whammy, but we are praying they will be healthy when their baby sis gets here!

Days of thankfulness:

May 22th:
– A chance to go play at the rec center one last time with friends before they move and a quick lunch at McDonald’s

May 23rd:
-Sunny hike with no kids
-Spicy Japanese noodles and baked salmon sushi
-Movie night with my hubby
(all thanks to nana)

May 24th:
-3 hrs of fun with the kids at the carnival and not worrying about publicly breastfeeding and changing countless diapers
-painting a birthday gift for a sweet friend and attending her birthday BBQ

May 25th:
*the hubs decided to join me in finding something to be thankful for while waiting for the little girl he talks to everynight and tries to convince that snuggling in his arms is ten times better then mommy’s tummy…
-Sleeping in after spending the whole night puking…thank you carnival food…
-Building a cedar smoke house with the 3 big kids (Richard)
-Making cookies early in the morning
-going for a trail hike with the family and relaxing at the beach
-playing at the playground with friends till 7:30 at night
-not having to pack another child and all the baby stuff (Richard)

May 27th:
-Energy to get laundry done, make chex mix, and clean my fridge
-laying down for a nap and feeling my entire abdomen shake with her massive hiccups
-attending my board meeting for KIC and continue to strengthen my voice as I advocate for change
-coaching cayden’s baseball game and watching him NOT strike out once (Richard)

May 28th:
-a hot shower with the door closed…yeah that won’t be happening again for at least 18 months
-cleaning my stove with all the windows open on a windy day and not worrying about freezing a newborn
-being able to get Kyre in for a last minute doc appt (yay sinus infection) and having family and friends help with the other kids while mommy was at the doc as well (Richard)

Anyday now…

“morning girls, how did you sleep?”

“mommy, baby out?”

“no Kyre, baby is still in mommy’s tummy”

“mommy, baby out, me hold-E”

“yes Gracie, you will hold baby when she is out of mommy’s tummy”

“ok” (sigh)

“you can hold mommy’s tummy if you want?”

“momma, baby is going to be here in two more weeks”

“um, we don’t know when baby is going to be here, but it could be two weeks, just have to keep praying baby grows big and strong!”

“momma, I am going to change ALL her pee diapers!”

“alright Ez, you can have all the pee ones”

“momma, you can have all the poop ones, K?”

“sounds good Ez”
“baby, (talking to my tummy and completely disregarding my existance) I love you, your big brother loves you”
If you knew what richard and I were told 8 years ago, you would understand why these conversations mean SO much to us. We both had surgeries in our youth, both were told fertility could be an issue, but when you are an adolescent, do you really listen to those type of things?

Additional surgies, fertility drugs, and lots of prayer was what we were told when we sat in the doctor office as newlyweds. The stark reality that the little humans we desired to create, raise, pour every moment of our lives in, were potentially never going to come.
Yet here we are, packing our hospital bag, installing the tiny car seat, standing in the bathroom at 9:30 at night creating yet another belly cast.

With each realization that our family was approaching the size we had longed for before CF was a reality, we braced ourselves. We wondered if we had it in us to walk down the hard and challenging road again. Whether we marked calendars, kept the pregnancy stick business in order, cried as each month passed with no indicator of life growing, or better, were blindsided by the fact that a life was coming whether we planned for another or not, our hearts have responded the same each time.

“God, you really trust us…with a tiny human?”

“God, please help us raise them for your kingdom, for your glory, most of all let us be a reflection of Christ when they see us, help them to want to know you because they see how you changed us”

According to my ob, baby has dropped, I am dilated and it could be any day now. I had people telling me I dropped, but I have been living in denial with this baby. I have a list I have been slowly crossing off, things that need my attention before I am consumed with a.m. feedings, burpings, spit up, and 4 other family members requiring my attention. My list is mainly comprised of things I know are ordained by God, so I am certain that is were my peace is coming from. So utimately, God knows what he has called me to do and when he has released me from those things, I know and trust he will bring baby girl in my arms.
For now I am calmly waking up each day, grabbing my bible, reading God’s WORD, and praying for my babies during the prayer campaign for children. I for the first time, am NOT anxious, NOT trying every method or promised success in getting a baby to arrive. I am resting in God’s loving and careful timing. Knowing that when she comes, it is because God is ready to release her into the world, to take her first breaths.

God has spoken to my heart in regards to her, told me how to pray for her, and to be utterly honest, told me to pray for her a month before she became a reality…talk about a true step of faith. I shared with my mom what he had told me and she looked at me, fought back the tears and told me that I needed to get ready. I had no idea that I was going to be staring at those lines again, I really honestly questioned God telling me to pray for a fictious child…and yet I have found myself comforted in the moments I worry about her, because I am aware HE empowered me by telling me how to specifically pray for her.

So for now, with a thankful heart, I’m embracing those awful numbers on the scale, knowing she is getting chubby cheeks to kiss, a soft tummy to fill with milk and still has some knitting together to be done by her maker.

Thank you Lord, for every chance to treasure each miracle child you have given us. Thank you Lord for the two little lives we never got to meet, but know without a doubt we will hold one day in heaven. Thank you Lord for the peace you have given me. Thank you Lord for another day of stolen moments to talk to my babies about life and to slow down and be the momma you have called me to be.