Anyday now…

“morning girls, how did you sleep?”

“mommy, baby out?”

“no Kyre, baby is still in mommy’s tummy”

“mommy, baby out, me hold-E”

“yes Gracie, you will hold baby when she is out of mommy’s tummy”

“ok” (sigh)

“you can hold mommy’s tummy if you want?”

“momma, baby is going to be here in two more weeks”

“um, we don’t know when baby is going to be here, but it could be two weeks, just have to keep praying baby grows big and strong!”

“momma, I am going to change ALL her pee diapers!”

“alright Ez, you can have all the pee ones”

“momma, you can have all the poop ones, K?”

“sounds good Ez”
“baby, (talking to my tummy and completely disregarding my existance) I love you, your big brother loves you”
If you knew what richard and I were told 8 years ago, you would understand why these conversations mean SO much to us. We both had surgeries in our youth, both were told fertility could be an issue, but when you are an adolescent, do you really listen to those type of things?

Additional surgies, fertility drugs, and lots of prayer was what we were told when we sat in the doctor office as newlyweds. The stark reality that the little humans we desired to create, raise, pour every moment of our lives in, were potentially never going to come.
Yet here we are, packing our hospital bag, installing the tiny car seat, standing in the bathroom at 9:30 at night creating yet another belly cast.

With each realization that our family was approaching the size we had longed for before CF was a reality, we braced ourselves. We wondered if we had it in us to walk down the hard and challenging road again. Whether we marked calendars, kept the pregnancy stick business in order, cried as each month passed with no indicator of life growing, or better, were blindsided by the fact that a life was coming whether we planned for another or not, our hearts have responded the same each time.

“God, you really trust us…with a tiny human?”

“God, please help us raise them for your kingdom, for your glory, most of all let us be a reflection of Christ when they see us, help them to want to know you because they see how you changed us”

According to my ob, baby has dropped, I am dilated and it could be any day now. I had people telling me I dropped, but I have been living in denial with this baby. I have a list I have been slowly crossing off, things that need my attention before I am consumed with a.m. feedings, burpings, spit up, and 4 other family members requiring my attention. My list is mainly comprised of things I know are ordained by God, so I am certain that is were my peace is coming from. So utimately, God knows what he has called me to do and when he has released me from those things, I know and trust he will bring baby girl in my arms.
For now I am calmly waking up each day, grabbing my bible, reading God’s WORD, and praying for my babies during the prayer campaign for children. I for the first time, am NOT anxious, NOT trying every method or promised success in getting a baby to arrive. I am resting in God’s loving and careful timing. Knowing that when she comes, it is because God is ready to release her into the world, to take her first breaths.

God has spoken to my heart in regards to her, told me how to pray for her, and to be utterly honest, told me to pray for her a month before she became a reality…talk about a true step of faith. I shared with my mom what he had told me and she looked at me, fought back the tears and told me that I needed to get ready. I had no idea that I was going to be staring at those lines again, I really honestly questioned God telling me to pray for a fictious child…and yet I have found myself comforted in the moments I worry about her, because I am aware HE empowered me by telling me how to specifically pray for her.

So for now, with a thankful heart, I’m embracing those awful numbers on the scale, knowing she is getting chubby cheeks to kiss, a soft tummy to fill with milk and still has some knitting together to be done by her maker.

Thank you Lord, for every chance to treasure each miracle child you have given us. Thank you Lord for the two little lives we never got to meet, but know without a doubt we will hold one day in heaven. Thank you Lord for the peace you have given me. Thank you Lord for another day of stolen moments to talk to my babies about life and to slow down and be the momma you have called me to be.

4 thoughts on “Anyday now…”

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