The morning of the amnio I was a ball of nerves. We had stayed up till almost midnight the night prior, thanks to trying to running around and getting all our shopping done before I wouldn’t be able to walk around and carry things after. As we walked through target I couldn’t help but look at the baby stuff and soon became overwhelmed with the thought that we were having to start over. We were D-O-N-E after Kyre, we would find homes for the baby supplies we had acquired over the years as soon as Kyre achieved another milestone. Most of all I was consumed with worry, concerned they were going to find some physical abnormality during the ultrasound and that the amnio would have negative side effects.
We got into the car, just as the sun was starting to peek over the mountains. I felt the nudging to pray over our day. To help us find our way to our various pitstops and to make sure we got to the amnio appointment in time. All of a sudden we heard a little voice pipe up after we finished praying, “God, thank you for letting me see the baby and thank you for not letting the baby be sick, Amen”. I was immediately convicted of her faith, how she was able to claim health over the baby, that she didn’t need to ask for it, but instead thanked God before knowing the outcome.
Richard was determined to get me some GF baked goods while in Seattle and we found a little bakery by Pikes Place and decided to swing by before heading to the barge with all our goodies we found in the “real” world. It was interesting to see Pike’s Place in a different light. There were barely any people walking the streets, just a few business men. We watched as the shops were opening their doors, setting up their beautiful produce, placing out their fresh seafood, all mixed with the aroma of fresh baked goods. It was a nice distraction, I savored every morsel of my zucchini muffin, but was unable to express my disappointment in the fact I didn’t get a doughnut. The bakery we researched was closed, so we had to go to a different one that was half GF half regular baked goods.
We had the chance to grab a quick bite at the cafeteria in the hospital before trying to quiet our nerves for the next few hours. We had a less then enthusiastic Radiology tech, who didn’t find the need to look for the gender of the baby, she briefly glanced over it and made a quick guess and moved on. Admist our frustration, after flying a distance to get there, we remained focused on seeing that the baby had 10 toes, 10 fingers, that its bowels were ok. We were then ushered into another room and prepped for the procedure. The moment had finally come and I was yet again faced with a “very big needle” as my 4 yr old says. My ever curious 4 yr who has spent her life in hospitals and doctor appointments couldn’t help herself and decided to explore the sterile equipment…after profusely apologizing, we soon were prepped again with new equipment. The procedure was painful, I recall the nurse telling me to breathe. Kyre’s amnio was unpleasant, but I would have not used painful to describe it. This time it hurt…I felt like a whimp, but the next day the bruise that graced my belly confirmed why it was different this time.
The genetic counselor told us to plan for a 3 week wait for the CF results and a 2 week wait for the chromosomal test results. The chromosomal test would at least allow us to start prepping for baby, since the ultrasound left questions as to whether or not daddy and cayden would be throwing a party or pity party.
Well, the call just came…crazy right, it hasn’t even been 2 weeks. After hearing the news I quickly dried my eyes and headed back to the HiHo Cheerio game that had been interrupted by the long distance call. I knew that I had two little girls waiting, ever perceptive to emotions, and I needed to reign mine in.
You see the news was shocking, I found myself verbally questioning the caller, and then soon realized that the future we had been planning for now had a different outcome. This little life growing inside of me, doesn’t have CF, nor is it a carrier of CF, like richard, myself and Kyre.
I didn’t know how to react, how to share the news. I found myself holding on to it, until I could reach richard. I had built walls and started to plan for life with two CFers, I questioned my capability to care for them when Ezzy started school and inevitably ended up sick due to all the other sick kids, while trying to protect a fragile CF newborn.
We are more then thankful for the countless people who have stood by us this pregnancy, who have shared kind words, who quite possibly held in their brief negative thoughts, and those who have taken it upon themselves to pray for us. To know we are bringing a life into the world that isn’t coming with an expiration date is music to the ears of parents who hate expiration dates.
As we prepare to have this little one, we pray we will have the right skills, words, and ways to relay to our child who has been set apart. The child who will soon grow up and realize she has 3 siblings with a different life and vast opportunities. The fear that she will resent them won’t go away from my mind, how could it…because I at times resent families who have a normal life, with normal healthy children. But as my mom reminded me last night, Ezzy has never wished her life on anyone. It was her little 3 yr old heart that thanked God in her night time prayers that cayden didn’t have CF. It was her discerning heart that told us she didn’t want anymore babies in our family because she worried they would be sick. Now it is her 4 year old heart, that told us at dinner time last night that “God heard my prayer all the way up in the sky”.
So as we embark on this journey deviated from the doom and gloom we prepared for, we are doing it with joyous hearts, but with reservation, with hope that we will not let Ezzy feel set apart in a bad way, that her life with CF, the one person in a family a 6, won’t be something she allows define her but instead, sees it as a special time. Times that allow her to be spoiled at each CF appointment while walking down the isles of Target to pick out a toy, to know daddy will cave when she sheds a tear and demands to be held while doing her vest on a busy morning, how she knows brother will hand over the IPAD when she doesn’t feel well when laying on the couch, how Kyre will sit with her and bring every item she wants when doing her 4th treatment of the day when sick, or how mommy will feed her non-stop when she says she is “starving” and the impending dinner “will take for-ever”.
Ezzy for whatever reason, God has set you apart, He has yet again called you to something we didn’t expect, a life different from all of us. But we hold on to the fact that you know deep down inside you were created for this life and the compassion you are instilled with will never run dry. Because you one day will see that being set apart is a high calling, one that many of us will never be called to because we lack the strength you possess.