SO…you know those days that you want to crawl in a hole and die, yes, THOSE days?!?

Lately I have found my patience to be on the lacking end, yeah being utterly wiped thanks to the little one stealing all my reserves is a big part in that, but school is getting to me.  I am currently in my last two weeks, spending spare time in the evenings researching to prepare for my 10-12 page papers.  Some might say, hey you have a blog, writing shouldn’t be hard…yeah, about that, I only like to write if it’s on MY time.  I was on the website of a worship team Richard and I saw during my worship conference in October.  The team is starting a campaign on mother’s day and it will go till father’s day.  Its sole purpose is to challenge, equip, and propel parents into a meaningful prayer time each day for their children.

“Dear LORD I come a desperate man
Just trying to do the best I can
I know my children look to me
So I’m on my knees cause it’s
You they need”

I will be the first to admit that I can sometimes forget to really pray over my children.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I pray for them, but sometimes it’s along the lines of  “God, can you show me why you made them like this, i.e. as they are throwing their coat on the library floor and stomping their foot with steam coming out of their 4 yr old head”.  Not really constructive prayers, I might add.  I watched the first video that explained why the worship team felt called to start a campaign and immediately was convicted to be a part of it.

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Lately Cayden has had a hard time with a certain child at his school.  This girl is mean, just plain mean.  I know, the first rule is to not believe everything your child says about things that happen when you are away from them, BUT, we have tried various ways of approaching the issue.  Nothing has seemed to help; even my veteran mom has gotten involved.  When we finally exhausted our resources we were left telling him to pray for this child…should have been our first plan of attack.  Then one night during bedtime prayers I heard him go one step further and pray “God, will you help (child’s name) see how beautiful she is, that her glasses don’t make her look funny, help her to see what I see when I look at her”.  Something must have clicked in his heart, because he has seen behavior change from his bully and witnessed the power of prayer and decided to go to God about something else.  I wish I had the courage to keep asking even when I don’t see my prayers answered.

“I’ll try to lead them by your truth
I’ll tell them life is found in you
But even that won’t be enough
Because only YOU can reveal your love”

We had the opportunity to see Ezzy gracefully step into the role of big sister the other night. While daddy and I were resting on the bench, we watched her place her helmet on Kyre’s head and help her up on her bike and slowly push her around the docks.  It was in that moment that I really began to see that God wants to shape my children’s hearts, but I am getting in the way.  Thanks to my husband who had to throw out a disclaimer before challenging me, I learned that Ezzy and I can have a super challenging relationship and my stubbornness isn’t helping.  I had to recently apologize to her the other day.  She made me SO mad, I reacted, and before I could withdraw my choice, I knew that I was wrong.  It took me hours to calm down, I was so angry at myself that I couldn’t even cry.  Finally when I was able to say the words, I grabbed hold of her and said “mommy is sorry, I should have never acted that way” her response was “it’s ok mommy”, I was immediately embraced by a lingering hug and then she went about her day.  I don’t deserve her, really.  I should be finding it a great privilege to get on my knees and have purposeful prayer for my babies.

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Why are you getting so bothered by this Sarah?  Well, to be utterly honest, it’s because I am all too aware of the fact that my mom didn’t need a prayer campaign to daily cover me in prayer.  She didn’t need a worship leader with a nose ring to make a fancy youtube video, she just did it.  There were probably worn out circles by her bedside because she watched her teenager slip away from her.  When Richard entered the picture as her new son in law, she again took on the role of a parent and fervently prayed for his salvation as well.

“That they would know your great mercy
And walk in all your ways
That the days would overflow
With peace and love
May they see the sweet salvation
And your amazing grace
Cause one day I know I’ll have to let them go”

Richard and I are living proof of what a parent’s heart can do when it makes its mind up to really PRAY for their child/ren.  I may have shackles that find their way back around my ankles, I may have people, thanks to the small town, that don’t want me to think I have a chance of being a new creation in Christ, BUT through it all I have a merciful father who tells me that I am worth it, baggage and all.

Even though I spent my entire 17 yrs under the roof of a Proverbs 31 woman, I still found myself severed from God.  I still found myself being so good at living a double life that I convinced those around me that I wasn’t making bad choices, because my grades and outward appearance didn’t resemble the rough crowd.  I entered college severed from God, quieting the still small voice and continuing to make choices I will forever live with.

So as I am watching my son make hard decisions, deal with peers who have different home environments, that will one day try to lead him down the road I ran down, I know I need to be mindful when praying for his soul.

As I watch Ezzy find so much relief and pleasure in trying to control her entire atmosphere at all costs, especially mom’s patience, I pray and hope that the anger and frustration that plague her little 4 yr old heart, won’t be there to rob her from the ONLY source of Hope.

Soon Kyre will start to come into who she is even more, so far, I rarely see the innate naughty behavior in her.  She loves life, she finds joy in everything she does, and there is no need to be serious when she could have the choice to be silly.  I pray Richard and I will help her foster her bright look on life, that we won’t let the world beat her up and force her into only black and white, like her mommy sees things.

Mother’s day, May 11th the harneys will be starting this campaign, if you want to join us, please let us know, we would LOVE to have other parents meet with us join together calling on God to:

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Watch this brief video if you want to better understand!

“Hey Ez, come here, we need to ask you something”
“So who do you want to go with you to Seattle? Mom or dad?”

“um, NANA!”

“Ezzy, Nana can’t take you, who do you want Mom or dad?”

“NANA!” (stern look on the face)

“ezzy, we understand you want nana, but if you had to choose between mom or dad, who would you pick?”

(sigh accompanied by a roll of the eyes) “mom” (turns and walks away from us)

LESSON LEARNED:
If someone had to steal her heart, at-least it is the person who stole my heart 29 years ago

For those of you who don’t know, I HATE flying, really, honestly HATE flying. I overcome my debilitating fear and continually give myself a pep talk while quieting all the crazy insane scenarios of what could go wrong while in the air, just to step foot on a plane. Really, I am the prime candidate for Xanax when it comes to flying.

We showed up to the ferry terminal with an hour and a half to spare, Ezzy started to get anxious, her siblings and her were all wound up in the back, showing us that they even get stressed when our tight family is broken up for a few days. The tension in the air could be cut with knife, but then soon ended with the baby screaming and shoving her brother to the ground so she could see the approaching ferry, which ended in giggles from all of us. Thanks Kyre, we can always count on you! Daddy turned to Ezzy sensing my anxiety rising as I picked at my nails, “hey Ez, I need you to be a big girl for mommy, mommy gets really nervous flying, when she starts to get frustrated, tell her DONT FREAK OUT MOMMY, ITS GOING TO BE OK”. I turned and looked at her and without a beat she repeated his sentence with a smile on her face.

We got through security, boarded the back of the plane, which ended up being a HUGE blessing to the 4 year old with a digestive disease and a pregnant mommy. She climbed in her seat, pulled out her crayons and paper and quietly sat without a peep while people slowly filed on, and at times were told their oversized carryon needed to be checked thanks to the very full flight. She asked me to join her and soon we were sitting letting our minds wander. Yup, I had the honor of traveling with a PRO, who wasn’t phased by the packed plane full of anxious people trying to get to their destinations.

LESSON LEARNED:
When you are anxious, sitting and coloring can be the best therapy

A month ago some friends were unexpectedly sent to Seattle with a sudden need of medical care. I had hoped we would get a chance to love on them, knowing how lonely and overwhelming being relocated for health issues can be. I also know how sometimes, during the stress you need space. I was pleasantly surprised when the offer to meet up was received.

Ezzy shut down all of a sudden when we got into their rental car. This was a total change in her steady routine of traveling to Seattle every few months. She has known the family for years, spent time in their raspberry garden, jumped on their trampoline, and waded through our alaskan waters finding sea stars with the girls many summer days. But it threw her off, probably because she saw her friend in a neck brace. As the mom and I caught up with each other, we let the girls quietly play on our IPADS in the back and warm up to each other.

Thankfully we didn’t have to ask for food, they knew we would be hungry and drove us to a restaurant that catered to every single desire of mine and Ezzy’s heart. I lost count of how many bread sticks I ate, Ezzy would have ate a pint of Alfredo sauce if we had let her and by the end of the meal, Ezzy and I had full hearts thanks to good food and good company! We were blessed to break bread with them again after a full day of shopping and running errands, our heads didn’t hit the pillow until 10 pm. We had spent the day completely ignoring the impending day of stacked appointments.

LESSON LEARNED:
Any time food is involved in a gathering, it can break down walls, especially if Alfredo sauce is an option

We had a restless night of sleep, thanks to not having our normal sleeping companions but also thanks to the next room over in the hotel…who decides to carry on a LOUD conversation at 3 am?!? As frustrated as I was, I remembered the first time we had stayed at the hotel, we didn’t step into the room until midnight, we had a rambunctious 19 mon old dealing with his new surroundings and hours spent waiting in a waiting room while mommy and daddy talked to the surgeons planning out the surgery for his new baby sister. I quickly got over myself and accepted the fact I didn’t know that person’s story next to us. In an attempt to drown out the noise I turned on the room’s air vent and ended up with a 4 yr old suffering from a 30 min coughing session thanks to the irritants hiding in those vents. 6:30 am came before we knew it, and I heard a little voice asking me “mommy are you awake?”

After seeing our GI doc, with a new prescription in hand to hopefully address the daily tummy pain she deals with, we headed to our next appt. The pulmonary function tests are now part of our visits, in the past they were only done once a year. Now they will be done every time we come down, so that the docs can have a better idea of her lung function and can see indicators of disease when her numbers drop thanks to sickness.

She talked the RT’s (respiratory therapists) ear off. She intently listened to each step he described to her. When mommy had to intervene to better explain his directions, he turned to me with a smile and said “wow, she responds really well to you, you know just what to say”. We walked away with glowing numbers and being told that “she is literally the most precious thing I have ever seen, really, the most precious thing”

LESSON LEARNED:
when God places His hand upon someone, you can’t deny that there is something special about them, it still amazes me, the way she draws people to her without even trying

The CF team was pleased with her weight and height. Daddy and I have been overly concerned about the thinning out we have seen, knowing how crucial weight is for her lung function. All to aware the docs were recently concerned about her lack of growth, which many CFers suffer from. We were told she grew almost an inch in 3 months. The RD decided she would look into her glucose levels, since Ezzy has been insatiably hungry, I can’t seem to feed her enough, but she only gained one pound in 3 months. CF related diabetes is not a question of IF but WHEN, so she said she would investigate, since her pancreas doesn’t work (thanks to CF) and the pancreas is what produces insulin.

The tears started to flow as she realized the impending throat culture was approaching. I made the mistake of being honest with her and for the last 24 hrs was asked almost every hour if she was going to have to have the stick down her throat. The time came and she melted into tears, the same tears she shed each time we saw a new person that day, because she thought the throat culture was going to happen. The RN got it done faster then I had ever seen and without missing a beat she wiped her tears and said “thank you”. She knows why we do them, she knows we are looking for bugs in her lungs, she knows they are trying to help her.

LESSON LEARNED:
She is our hero…we see the make-up of who she is was carefully knitting together in my womb, that we know she was fearfully and wonderfully made

After our 5 hours of appts ended, we went to find our friends who were being seen by their own team of specialist. Ezzy did not want to leave until she saw her friend was ok. We waiting in the recovery room with her mom until her friend woke up. As the anthesia wore off, Ezzy soon saw her friend was ok and climbed into her bed with her. They shared purple popsicles that they requested in unison when asked which color and I watched Ezzy tell her friend to be brave as the IV was removed from her friend’s hand.

LESSON LEARNED:
having a friend to go through tough days makes any scary thing bearable

I shared my frustration with my friend as the girls were scarfing down their Panda Express after spending their entire day at the hospital. I told her how Ezzy was a mess each time a new person came into the room, anticipating the scary BIG white stick that would soon scrape her throat. I explained that no countless explanations could calm Ezzy’s fears that dictated her thoughts for the last 24 hours. My friend gently and lovingly said, “Sarah, do you realize they are just babies, really, they are only four years old, they are still babies”…”they are being asked to handle a lot right now for their age”…”don’t ask her to handle more then she can”

Yeah, the lump in my throat soon became so large that it took an act of God to swallow it down…when I found the words I humbly said “yeah, you are right, thank you”

LESSON LEARNED:
When a friend speaks in TRUTH & LOVE, thank them

After just 4 hours of sleep we waited and waited for our scheduled taxi to get us…apparently a scheduled appt doesn’t mean much. It was during the waiting Ezzy decided to share with me her theological insight at 4:45 am.
“mom, do you know God loves us?”
“yes baby, He does”
“mom, He created this whole world for just us! He really loves us!”

Our taxi finally appeared after we both were nestled up sitting in the hotel lobby fighting off the sandman. I held back my choice words I had selected during the 45 mins I could have been sleeping, had I known my appt wasn’t going to be honored. Ezzy told the driver I was going to have a baby, he hesitated, holding back congratulations until I told him that the statement was in fact truth. We talked about what brought us to Seattle, how we have gotten to know the city like a second home. I found myself telling the driver that I knew God created Ezzy with the right stuff to handle the road she is on. The driver shared with me his views on the world, the sad direction is was going. Upon arrival to the airport we were instructed to safely get to the curb and not touch our bags. The gentleness from the drivers eyes was apparent as he grabbed each bag and brought them to us, he told us he was “blessed to meet us” and smiled before shaking my hand.

Thanks to spring break taking place in all of WA, we arrived with what seemed the entire population of Seattle trying to leave on AK Air. My heart sunk, I soon realized the delay in pickup was going to hurt us badly. As we weaved through the college students who didn’t look old enough to drive and got knocked over by the “city” people who don’t seem to acknowledge other life forms, we found a long line to stand in. The few hours of sleep the night before caught up to the 4 yr old who needed something to drink as well as a bathroom. She sprawled on the dirty floor, no words could get her up, it was a hopeless situation. I soon got out of her she wanted to “just get home”. I grabbed her hand, attempted to suck in my growing belly as I leaned down and quietly prayed that God would get us home. After another lengthy line through security, with people picking up her doll or bag for her as she would march off without it, we found ourselves lightly jogging through the airport in hopes of getting to our plane in time. By the grace of God we showed up when the last boarding call was taking place.

LESSON LEARNED:
If you allow your heart to start out the day thinking about your Creator, just like Ezzy did, then you find your heart leaning on him when things fall apart

The only reason we were on the worst flight home, was due to the fact daddy and cayden were running a race for Ezzy and we wanted to meet them at the finish line. In the past it has always been mommy and cayden rocking our “breathing for Ezzy” shirts, but dad decided after some “encouragement” from mommy to do it. I was sad we still didn’t make it to see them cross the finish line together, but atleast I had the chance of watching my husband who hasn’t been running, working out, or training, cross the finish line with a sub 9 min mile…yeah, you can dislike him with me…I had to train to get a sub minute mile! HE then shared with me that at one point he told himself to walk a short distance to catch a break. But then he realized “if I am going to tell her to face things, hard things, then I have no reason to stop when it gets hard for me”. He shared how he got kind of emotional as he crossed the finish line. I told him he finally got it, why I started running for her. Why I crossed the finish line in tears when I completed the 1/2 marathon.

LESSON LEARNED:
when you walk in someone else’s shoes, your judgement, preconceived notions, and unfair expectations disappear

We are home, a complete family and I am so thankful Richard suggested I take her one last time. I needed to spend sometime with a friend I don’t get to see too often, I needed to see my daughter’s courage and heart. She blessed me with plenty of times to smile, she found ways to still smile when deep down her fears were controlling her thoughts, and through it all she yet again showed me how much I need her.

I just recently ran into someone pregnant, we briefly chatted about how we were feeling and before I knew it I was mirroring her sentiments on carrying a growing life…you know…
“ugh, I’m SO over being fat”
“I am not one of those women who LOVE being pregnant”
“I’m SO ready to be done with it”

I walked away sad, frustrated, and totally upset with myself. Why did I let my mouth build up those statements and at one point agree with them?

I recently saw a video on facebook that brought me to tears, you know pregnancy tears. It was sweet, endearing, and everything my heart needed to respond to in order to look at these last 2 months, yes, LAST TWO months, and appreciate the gift God has for some reason given me again.

Time is flying, I many times don’t feel pregnant until nap time when I myself am screaming for my down comforter and a chance to reboot. Sure I have had some annoying pregnancy symptoms, been chewed out for my massive weight gain 3x at my OB apts and also had a very scary reaction to my 3 hr glucose test, but really, IF I had to be truthfully honest, then I need to admit, this time around, thanks to God’s plan, I’m feeling amazing.

Challenge me please, ask me how I am doing when you see me, with an all knowing smile that tells me that you are trying to help me focus and see the gift that is growing inside of me is just that a gift.

Since that dreaded day when I fell into my incessant need to be relational and not let the other person feel alone, I have since been stopping and trying to see the beauty of pregnancy, which has resulted in this letter that I wish someone would write to me, now, in my last 2 months of experiencing my body do something that many dream of.

Dear Pregnant mommy,

I see you, I know you, I can hear your heart seeping out with that look in your eyes as you waddle by the group of women burning calories in the zumba class.

YOU feel alone, YOU feel fat, YOU wonder “will I ever look like I did before my feet decided to swell so big that I needed to buy new shoes, but not cute shoes, practical shoes, because my feet can’t handle anything less”

That baggy sweater that you hope masks your growing body is your comfort, most likely from your husband’s closet, or worse bought when you snuck into the section of clothing that resembles the glaring TRUTH that nasty little scale decides to share with you. You have decided that you and the scale are no longer on speaking terms.

But wait, hold on, I have something to tell you!

YOU are beautiful! Really you are. Your hair is shiny and growing thick and luscious. Your nails no longer chip when you finally win the battle and get that stubborn sippy cup to give up its lid. Your face glows, yes, it might be a little fuller, but really it glows, so much that strangers will tell you this, if you just would put listening ears on!

Those stretch marks that make you want to burn EVERY single piece of lingerie or swimsuit, literally bring you to tears. I know, crazy right, you had NO idea what a sacrifice it would be to give up your body for someone else!

But did you know that those stretch marks across your belly show that you have done the first step in being a mommy, you have decided to sacrifice, to eat and listen to your body and make sure you are helping your little one grow! Don’t listen to the “skinny you” version that tells you to walk away from that slice of cake or screams at you when you decide to have your 4th snack of the day!

Did you know those stretch marks along your thighs are there to remind you of the time when that little life will finally enter the world and how much work you did to push that sweet baby out. You WILL one day look at those stretch marks on your hips and smile as you look at your child that is no longer a baby and in someways wish you could go back in time.

Slow down mommy, don’t spend your days wishing and hoping that your little one would hurry up. Really, SLOW DOWN. Grab a piece of candy, go lay down and watch the gymnastics take place. Find a shirt or dress that makes you feel sexy and rock it and bask in the fact you DON’T have to suck your belly in right now!!!!! Snuggle up with a book or an older child if you have one and take a guilt free light snooze in the afternoon.

Most of all, don’t think about the negatives, don’t fall into the trap of this world that wants everything NOW. Don’t read about the newest celebrity that is back to pre-baby weight by 6 wks postpartum…I have a secret for you (she starved herself and had a personal trainer screaming at her calling her fat). Instead, thank God for entrusting you to grow a tiny human, thank your spouse for the extra work he has picked up since those two little lines changed your lives, thank your children for fighting and running to see who first will crawl on their hands and knees to find your slippers under the couch each morning, and thank that sweet little baby for making you let go of things that DON’T matter.

Hold tight pregnant mommy, live in the now, because before you know it, your baby will be here and you will actually MISS being pregnant!

Walk with your head held high, don’t worry about the fact your thighs rub together now, smile when you see others and just for a second realize they are smiling at you and the gift of life growing in your belly 🙂 Rub your belly and talk to your sweet little bean and tell them how much you love them and want them to grow big and strong and to not hurry up, that you have plenty of time to wait until it’s time to hold them in your arms. Most of all mommy, remember, you have a gift, one that many women long for, don’t allow yourself to think that what you are going through isnt a blessing!

Sincerely,
pregnant mommy to my 4th baby:)

She is a mess, she literally has to be peeled off the floor, her hair is matted with tears, her eyes longing to tell a story that would be the bridge of miscommunication taking place, but yet there she is in her room, screaming at decibels that make you feel like the piece of sanity you reserve in your back pocket was just pick pocketed from you…

The battle of the wills is in full swing in our home. So much so that Richard fully walks in the door at 4 pm and knows that he will be meet with an expression on my face that says, “welcome home!…your turn!”

I will hear the door open and then a gentle voice as the door is closed behind him. How does he do it? Maybe its because he is only around them for 3-4 hours each day, not ALL day like me. Maybe its because her emotional instability genetically comes from him. Maybe its because he fully grasps her life with CF and in return musters up the strength to completely get down to her level and peel her off the floor and hold her so tight and just long enough for her to tell him “i don’t know how to stop”.

This is our life right now. Tantrums, explosive ones that rattle you and can fully take your fun family day and chuck it out the window leaving shattered glass to pick up and cut your finders on.

We sat down last night and tried to figure out what is going on with her. As the tears and frustration finally soaked my shirt, I realized that I have been asking so much from her right now. I am aware, yes thanks to my mom, husband and the rare brave friends, that I tend to have a “suck it up and move on” way of dealing with things. Its a coping mechansim, it is the way I have dealt with stressors in my life since the time I can remember…thanks to some genetic gifts my mom gave me.

I have taken her burden and in a twisted way made it mine, analyzed it, and come up with a logical way to deal with it. Leaving her to come up against a mom that isn’t always grace giving when her 4 yr old self can’t comprehend why she has to do therapy again since it “takes FOR-EVER” or why mom is making her eat another calorie packed snack when all she wants is a bag of chips. I have made her life full of awareness of the things she CAN’T do because of CF and not focused on the things we can still do, limited, but still there.

Richard and I have realized she feels alone, different, and set apart. We wonder if she feels punished? She lets us know when she is frustrated with her to do list that centers on CF. We have failed her, even with the best intentions, we have allowed fear to dictate how we approach CF.

Fear, that ugly beast has been the one steering the boat.

Fear finds it’s way into my heart, mind, and soul. It doesn’t need to break down walls, it doesn’t need to look for shaky foundations, it knows just how and where it will find a door willingly open to it.

I found myself, lying in bed, crying, getting out the things that have been wrecking with my life. I dried my eyes, after my uncomfortable episode of emotions and went and hugged her, kissed her forhead, kissed the small of her neck, and told her I loved her, just to again be reminded as I licked the salt off my lips, that found their way on there from her body expelling it before it can do what its suppose to do, that she is different. She has been asked to fight a fight that isn’t fair and many times by her very own mom.

I found my breath taken away yesterday, I fought the nagging my husband gave me when asking what was eating at me. I fought saying the words out loud. In just a few jumbled words, my husband found out that the grief I had was because of remorse and guilt, flooding the walls of my heart because of the death of a little girl over the weekend who lost her battle to CF. Just 6 yrs old. Screw you CF!!! To see that she left behind a massive void in her two sisters, a brother, and faith believing parents’ lives, the very makeup of our family, destroyed me. Her parents called on their friends, family, and anyone pulled to their daughter’s story, to pray as she battled the many different ways CF plagues a person’s life.

Her battle began, lingered, victories came, and they praised God.

Her health declined in a blink and they waited for victories with no hope, but they praised God.

Her life ended without being able to say goodbye, and they praised God.

So this friday, March 7, as her family places her body in the ground they do it with the knowledge that their child is being held in our maker’s arms. They do it knowing that the difficult road she walked for the last 6 yrs is over and God is saying “well done”. They have asked people to wear purple on friday. In remembrance of their child and all those fighting CF. Some are going to wear purple with hearts embittered with anger, some are going to wear purple with fear dancing around them as they look at their own CF family member, and then some like the Harney family will wear CF because of the hope we are fighting to hold, the faith that is tested with each wave of CF and the promise we have that the story God has written for Ezzy is perfect.

As i drape the dark purple shirt over my head, I will begin to fervently start calling on God to make Ezzy’s story EPIC, life-giving, and so long that it would need to be a book series. As I drape the shirt over my heart, I will ask God to teach me to let it all go, to stop telling her to suck it up, since I’m sucking it up, but instead say, “I know this is hard baby, how can I help you?” As I drape it over the little life growing inside me, I will pray that God is faithful in giving her another sibling to stand beside her as she fights to be a survivor and not a victim.

If you feel it pressing on your heart to join us friday, let me know! You can send a FB pic, text me (9078210204), email me (sarahmayharney@gmail.com) or stop by if you are healthy. She loves it when we wear our “Ezzy shirts”, she smiles when we tell her its ALL for her. I want her to know she isn’t alone, I want her to know that what is being asked of her is hard, but that there are people who love her and standing with her.

I just went in for a recent checkup for baby#4. We talked about the concerns I have been having and then talked about how fast time is going. You know its going fast when your OB even thinks that things are flying. Baby girl, even with moving around and trying to kick the doppler, still has her normal 140 heartbeat. It’s steady and seems to resemble the mold God is making her in. I find that the times she reminds me she is in there is when its finally quiet, when her LOUD siblings are in bed, outside playing or I’m driving in the car by myself. It’s in those moments I will feel her twist and turn and maybe even breathe a sigh like I am as we settle in our few moments of peace from the rest of our family. I wonder at times will she be our quiet one? Out of her own nature or because of the pecking order? I wonder if she will run and hide in my arms when I myself am overwhelmed with the volume and activity my family makes.

You see I crave stability, I crave quiet, I crave the moments when I can hear my own heart beat, when I can listen to the stillness that comes with going into my prayer or bible study time. This I know for sure, came from my momma, so now I wonder will she too repeat history and carry this need on?

Richard and I were recently discussing a verse I heard. It is in Genesis 2:23, its when God reveals to Adam the creation of woman. I was telling Richard that I found it interesting that the VERY first mention of romance is so black and white. Adam doesn’t grovel, doesn’t specifically state the beauty of her hair, eyes, her womanly shape, or list every single description us women long for when we seek our mates’ approval. Instead it says he exclaimed, “At last! This one is bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh”.

I asked Richard his thoughts, since after someone posted a very amusing link on FB for a fake add for a man and woman translator device, I realize how much we think and communicate differently.

Richard told me, “of course he said that, he looked at her and saw his reflection, and saw that she was his, bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh”, how ultimately Adam already “knew” Eve. He told me that was the most romantic thing he could have ever said. Adam understood in that moment that she was his and everything about her was made to complete him. He also told me it means that Adam, instinctively knew Eve’s heart. Wow…if I really think about it, Richard does know my heart, when HE is centered in God and looking to him to lead me.

Geez, I’m thankful for him today. I’m thankful that when I have a hard time understanding things, that I can rely on his perspective to ground me. To pull me out of my over emotional moments that can at times drive my thinking.

I have found that one blessing from getting up early and doing my bible study this week is seeing him before he leaves for work. When I was training for the half marathon we had breakfast every morning together. Since having my amnio and having a few health issues I haven’t been able to follow my much desired workouts. But now I find that I need to see him early in the morning. That I need to stand in the kitchen, tucked in his arms and just breathe him in. I have found that these last two crazy insane weeks aren’t over yet, and have pushed us to our limits, but just the simple act of holding each other is keeping us on the same team, even if we forget that we are from time to time.

After dwelling on this verse and thinking about how Adam exclaimed “at last” when he saw Eve, I realize that I want that to be how Richard sees me.

Those two words meant that Adam knew something was missing.

I started to then think about the very bones that are growing inside my womb, the very flesh that is slowly changing from translucent to pink. I can relate to what Richard said about the love, the ownership adam felt for eve. Because I love this little girl that is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. I would do anything for her, I long for her even though she is with me everywhere I go. Just like I love her siblings that challenge me, push me to my limits everyday, but yet know how to wedge themselves in-between my frustration and complete unconditional love for them. This little girl is what we have been missing and we never even knew it. I’m still processing the fact that even though the very thought of four children under the age of six TERRIFIES me, that somehow I know we all need her.

Today I am going to dwell on the fact that God said HE created us in His image, which means that HE equipped us with LOVE that knows no bounds. It means that when the going gets tough, when unexpected changes come to our family, when bullies are picking on Cayden at school, when Ezzy can’t seem to reign her emotions in, and when Kyre decides to constantly taste life and all it has to offer, that in the midst of it all God comes to remind us that HE loves us and the spouses, the little lives HE gives us are there to show us HE knows our hearts and needs. Even though families look different from one to another, each design is specific, based on each families need.

Just 14 more weeks till baby girl is due to be here. We are excited and yet also glad there is still time before she comes. We have recently realized we have work that needs to be done on our family, that we need to be more grounded in the word in order to help ground our children in God. We have them come early on sunday mornings to help setup church and they enjoy doughnuts for breakfast, praying that showing not telling them, how to have servants hearts, will make a diffrence.

So for now, our goal is to keep trying to let our kids know we desperately need them. We have been failing at this recently with the stress levels that seem to be unavoidable, but thankfully we have a chance to make this right. Thank goodness for God’s grace, because without it we would have thrown the towel in a long time ago on this whole marriage or parenting thing! We have a chance to let our babies know, the we “know” them, their hearts and their needs, because they are bone of our bones, and flesh of our flesh.

John 15:13 “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Well the snow is falling and the girls and I are slowly recovering from our intense morning with our toyo stove. Glad to say our dog did her job and thanks to her I grabbed the girls, my phone, and ran outside with little time to realize that I didn’t have a bra or snow attire on. We figured out the issue and are back inside our toasty house, thankful to not end our day with a visit from some firemen…

Valentines Day totally snuck up on us this year, if it wasn’t for the friendly reminder from Cayden’s teacher, we probably wouldn’t have realized it till people started to put up all their status updates filled with acts of love they gave or received.

Really, our lives are that busy that even with a calendar on all our smart devices, calendar on the desk at work, and my Duck Dynasty calendar hanging in my dining room filled with reminders of all the different ways our family is being pulled, we still managed to space this holiday.

I had the pleasure of watching my son thoughtful write out his classmates’ names and would see a smile come across his face. Being the nosy mom I am, I would ask him why he was smiling. He then would share with me his silly stories or experiences he has had with the person that caused him to smile. The change to his new school hasn’t been easy, but it was one we couldn’t avoid. I am thankful that he is adapting, he is able to comprehend the reasons and he still musters up the courage to go each day. He has made friends, but reminds us on a daily basis that he isn’t learning anything and wishes he could learn about God like he use to at his old school. I still see the foundation we have been building in him, help him with challenges, thankfully. I still see a loving tender boy who made sure to save two valentines for his sisters, who hasn’t let the vastly different learning environment change him to the core.

I had a text message from my aunt a few weeks ago. We have grown closer over the years, and make an effort to be present in one another’s lives, even if time only allows a text, we will still make the effort. Since her and I are cut from the same cloth and seem to have been given the goggles that see the world’s problems and can’t seem to say no when we have an opportunity to help, we know how precious time is. She sent it to me at 5:30 in the morning, thanks to the time change. But her message was sweet, telling me that I popped in her head and she had to tell me she loved me. The strange part is that she was in my dreams that night, she was actually the first person on my heart when I woke. I shared this with her and we agreed that we needed to pray for one another, after sharing our prayer lists.

How many times have you had someone cross your mind? How many times have you acted on it? How many times have you brushed it aside and said, I’ll get to that later?

Honestly I am really failing at those things right now. I can blame school, my two jobs, my role as wife and mother, or the fact I’m pregnant. I could stand here and say my life is just too busy and justify my unwillingness to see outside of myself. Well today I realize I can’t do that anymore. That I have piled my plate too full, I have said yes too many times, and I have allowed excuses to justify my selfish actions when it comes to maintaining relationships.

I had to apologize a few weeks ago to a friend and say sorry for hiding out. That I had gone into my survival mode, which consists of me somewhat dropping off the face of the earth and causes my vulnerability in communication to cut off. Some might say, what’s the problem with that? But when my main social interaction is superficial, thanks to the world of social media and not actually involving a text or heck a phone call, then there is a problem. Our communication has become so stale, so impersonal that we now find texts or emails to suffice when expressing our emotions and thoughts. We convince ourselves that we can approach serious matters through a text message and think it will resolve something…I recently had a mentor tell me to NEVER fall into this trap…opps to late, been there done that and I’ll tell you what it made things worse! There use to be a time when we wrote letter, made the effort to find stationary, a stamp and get our butts inside a Post Office. There use to be a time when we would pick up a phone and call one another and hear each other’s hearts and tone when sharing our lives. There use to be a time when relationships grew during face to face time, not through endless texts that can be potentially misread into because we can’t see the body language or tone being used on the other side. But those times are gone, we know live in a world that we say a text or fb message is enough to keep a relationship thriving and growing.

What is wrong with us?!?

I am the BIGGEST offender of this. I have lived my live through these easy modes of communication. In all honesty due to life with Ezzy. My social life died the day we were told CF was our future. But I have allowed that to be my crutch, my excuse to not picking up the phone, for not standing in line and sending a birthday card to my dear friend who is working and pregnant, but still found time to send me one, for not calling another friend who is getting ready to walk down the isle next month…

I need to thank the friend who told me she misses me today, but decided to lovingly call me SUPERWOMAN. She told me that the offer for coffee will always be there until our schedules finally match, she told me that she knows I’m crazy busy, but she atleast told me she missed me. Do you have friends like that? Well if you do CHERISH them, take the time to say thank you to them, thank you for not discarding you when your list of excuses allow you to forget about them and their feelings!

So as we approach Valentines Day tomorrow, what are you going to do? Are you going to see it as just another day or are you going to get over yourself and sent a belated card to someone who needs to know they are on your heart, will you call and get flowers delivered to someone who is recently alone on the holiday, will you stop running around the house trying to attack your to do list and bend down to kiss and hug your child who is playing quietly on their own because they recognize that “crazy” determined look in your eyes that means your “too busy” to come and play with them?

All I know is that pesky paper that is due monday evening for me, the piles of laundry that are making our rooms stink, the floors that haven’t been mopped in a month, and the meeting I need to prep for tonight is going to have to wait. I need to be still and not ignore the people God has laid on my heart, I need to evaluate the relationships that might be slipping, but most of all I need to be present with my little princess who just asked me to come and sit with her while she watches Peppa the Pig, while sissy naps.

I have been seeking God recently on failures that have been placed at my feet. I have asked HIM to show me what are truths and what are lies. But more importantly I have asked him to give me a heart after him, one that resembles the commandments He gave us when He said:

Mark 12:31 “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.”

So I have realized that I haven’t been as efficient on getting the results of the chromosomal test out to you all…after a few friends anxious to start their knitting projects or hit the sale racks for the sweet little baby that is now the size of a banana asking, I realize I left some people hanging who want to know now!  I’m blessed by those who have been waiting to find out how to help us resupply the baby necessities we got rid after being done!

I of course got the call after Richard left for a busy week in Anchorage for work.  I knew that he would be gone when we got the results and in some ways was ok with it, because if it was news he wasn’t going to be too thrilled about then I wouldn’t be so heartbroken by seeing his reaction.
When I received the call, I immediately texted him and told him the results were in…I wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it for himself or if a text would suffice.  Well, being ever impatient to know if there would be another little buddy to take on hunting trips I was told to hand over the info ASAP.

I was hesitant, I have felt the pressure ever since we first told Cayden and without him spending time processing the news of a new sibling turned to me with a stern serious face and said “that better be a boy in there”.  I have watched him suffer through his sisters’ never ending supplies of babies and princess dresses take over every inch of our home.  I have watched Richard’s frustration level rise when the girls are in shambles because he can’t for some reason understand why the current state of their being calls for an “end of the world” reaction.

To say that daddy’s reaction to the news wasn’t unexpected, let alone his little mini me, would be a lie.  They both reacted the way I had expected, but had hoped would find the will power to not show the “sensitive” pregnant lady.

Cayden’s tears and pure heartbreak was soon smeared all over daddy’s shirt after we decided to share with the kids the news once daddy was home.  I soon realized that his reaction was the very way his daddy had wished he could have gotten away with.

I felt the need to tell Cayden what was on my heart after I allowed him to grieve all the dreams of having a buddy to go and run away from the house that oozes with pink, barbies, and a constant unstable emotional environment.  I told him that God must think he is pretty tough guy, since it will be a lot of work to look after 3 little ladies.  He gave me a snarling look and asked what he would have to do.  I told him that there will be boys who want to date them, there will be mean people who will pick on them, and there will be times when they lack the right judgment when choosing friends.  As I saw the wheels turning, I saw the disappointment laced with anger soon fade.  Because let’s face it, Cayden is the kid who comes running when they are crying and he isn’t the root of the problem.  Cayden is the one who can raise his voice super high when trying to calm down number 20 out of 100 emotional meltdown.  Cayden is the child who will pack his Newsom bunny for Ezzy in her bag when she has a Seattle appointment.

I decided to let the older Harney man decompress the news that he was going to have yet another girl to care for.  I knew that I could cross the line and try to be the conviction he needed, but thank God I was able to hold my tongue and let God speak to him.

A few days later we were watching one of our favorite shows, Modern Family.  The older daughter in a play of control decides to date a ridiculously older disgusting man to tick her dad off.  The mom tells him to not react, because the more he pushes the more the daughter will date the creep.  He finally reaches his maximum and decides to deliver this heartfelt speech to his wife before going and rescuing his daughter, little does he know his daughter is standing right behind him, tears in her eyes because she thought he didn’t care about the blatant horrible choices she was making.

I turned and saw my husband’s face and in that moment knew that God had done his work.  I looked at him, I myself overcome with the emotions that wrap around my very hard teenage years spent searching for unconditional love and acceptance from men.  I told him, “honey to you see the amazing calling God has placed on your life?”  “do you see that he really trusts you to be their leader, their head of their home until the day you walk them down the isle?”.  I told him how he has to be their knight, their love of their lives until they decide to replace him with the man they are going to marry.  I told him it is going to be a difficult road, but if he does it right; he will have 3 beautiful, strong, secure girls who approach womanhood with self-confidence and self-worth, which will stop them from making mistakes their momma made.

So as we are gearing up for yet another Harney girl, I am feeling immensely blessed.  Blessed that I have another little girl to experience the unconditional love that my Harney men give without strings attached.  Blessed that my girls will grow up knowing they don’t need to compromise themselves to feel loved and accepted because their daddy and brother will fill those shoes until they meet the men we have prayed for them.  Blessed because with this little girl coming along I can’t help but realize that even though I spent many painful years searching for the LOVE I didn’t get, God in his wonderful sent me a man who has given me more love then I deserve. 

I can’t help but see God honoring Richard, knowing that he understands his important role to teach Cayden what sacrificial love is and to model it to his girls.

And because I can’t sing his praises enough already he came up with the idea to ask my mom to name our sweet baby girl.  He said with all the support she gives us that we should honor her, honor all that she is to us. So if you ask us what her name is we will have to say, “um, ask my mom”.  We can’t wait to find out what name she is praying about and dreaming about as we watch my belly grow and realize that I’m over half way there before holding our 3rd Harney girl!

The morning of the amnio I was a ball of nerves. We had stayed up till almost midnight the night prior, thanks to trying to running around and getting all our shopping done before I wouldn’t be able to walk around and carry things after. As we walked through target I couldn’t help but look at the baby stuff and soon became overwhelmed with the thought that we were having to start over. We were D-O-N-E after Kyre, we would find homes for the baby supplies we had acquired over the years as soon as Kyre achieved another milestone. Most of all I was consumed with worry, concerned they were going to find some physical abnormality during the ultrasound and that the amnio would have negative side effects.

We got into the car, just as the sun was starting to peek over the mountains. I felt the nudging to pray over our day. To help us find our way to our various pitstops and to make sure we got to the amnio appointment in time. All of a sudden we heard a little voice pipe up after we finished praying, “God, thank you for letting me see the baby and thank you for not letting the baby be sick, Amen”. I was immediately convicted of her faith, how she was able to claim health over the baby, that she didn’t need to ask for it, but instead thanked God before knowing the outcome.

Richard was determined to get me some GF baked goods while in Seattle and we found a little bakery by Pikes Place and decided to swing by before heading to the barge with all our goodies we found in the “real” world. It was interesting to see Pike’s Place in a different light. There were barely any people walking the streets, just a few business men. We watched as the shops were opening their doors, setting up their beautiful produce, placing out their fresh seafood, all mixed with the aroma of fresh baked goods. It was a nice distraction, I savored every morsel of my zucchini muffin, but was unable to express my disappointment in the fact I didn’t get a doughnut. The bakery we researched was closed, so we had to go to a different one that was half GF half regular baked goods.

We had the chance to grab a quick bite at the cafeteria in the hospital before trying to quiet our nerves for the next few hours. We had a less then enthusiastic Radiology tech, who didn’t find the need to look for the gender of the baby, she briefly glanced over it and made a quick guess and moved on. Admist our frustration, after flying a distance to get there, we remained focused on seeing that the baby had 10 toes, 10 fingers, that its bowels were ok. We were then ushered into another room and prepped for the procedure. The moment had finally come and I was yet again faced with a “very big needle” as my 4 yr old says. My ever curious 4 yr who has spent her life in hospitals and doctor appointments couldn’t help herself and decided to explore the sterile equipment…after profusely apologizing, we soon were prepped again with new equipment. The procedure was painful, I recall the nurse telling me to breathe. Kyre’s amnio was unpleasant, but I would have not used painful to describe it. This time it hurt…I felt like a whimp, but the next day the bruise that graced my belly confirmed why it was different this time.

The genetic counselor told us to plan for a 3 week wait for the CF results and a 2 week wait for the chromosomal test results. The chromosomal test would at least allow us to start prepping for baby, since the ultrasound left questions as to whether or not daddy and cayden would be throwing a party or pity party.

Well, the call just came…crazy right, it hasn’t even been 2 weeks. After hearing the news I quickly dried my eyes and headed back to the HiHo Cheerio game that had been interrupted by the long distance call. I knew that I had two little girls waiting, ever perceptive to emotions, and I needed to reign mine in.

You see the news was shocking, I found myself verbally questioning the caller, and then soon realized that the future we had been planning for now had a different outcome. This little life growing inside of me, doesn’t have CF, nor is it a carrier of CF, like richard, myself and Kyre.

I didn’t know how to react, how to share the news. I found myself holding on to it, until I could reach richard. I had built walls and started to plan for life with two CFers, I questioned my capability to care for them when Ezzy started school and inevitably ended up sick due to all the other sick kids, while trying to protect a fragile CF newborn.

We are more then thankful for the countless people who have stood by us this pregnancy, who have shared kind words, who quite possibly held in their brief negative thoughts, and those who have taken it upon themselves to pray for us. To know we are bringing a life into the world that isn’t coming with an expiration date is music to the ears of parents who hate expiration dates.

As we prepare to have this little one, we pray we will have the right skills, words, and ways to relay to our child who has been set apart. The child who will soon grow up and realize she has 3 siblings with a different life and vast opportunities. The fear that she will resent them won’t go away from my mind, how could it…because I at times resent families who have a normal life, with normal healthy children. But as my mom reminded me last night, Ezzy has never wished her life on anyone. It was her little 3 yr old heart that thanked God in her night time prayers that cayden didn’t have CF. It was her discerning heart that told us she didn’t want anymore babies in our family because she worried they would be sick. Now it is her 4 year old heart, that told us at dinner time last night that “God heard my prayer all the way up in the sky”.

So as we embark on this journey deviated from the doom and gloom we prepared for, we are doing it with joyous hearts, but with reservation, with hope that we will not let Ezzy feel set apart in a bad way, that her life with CF, the one person in a family a 6, won’t be something she allows define her but instead, sees it as a special time. Times that allow her to be spoiled at each CF appointment while walking down the isles of Target to pick out a toy, to know daddy will cave when she sheds a tear and demands to be held while doing her vest on a busy morning, how she knows brother will hand over the IPAD when she doesn’t feel well when laying on the couch, how Kyre will sit with her and bring every item she wants when doing her 4th treatment of the day when sick, or how mommy will feed her non-stop when she says she is “starving” and the impending dinner “will take for-ever”.

Ezzy for whatever reason, God has set you apart, He has yet again called you to something we didn’t expect, a life different from all of us. But we hold on to the fact that you know deep down inside you were created for this life and the compassion you are instilled with will never run dry. Because you one day will see that being set apart is a high calling, one that many of us will never be called to because we lack the strength you possess.

So I have been putting off writing this post, I could blame the business of the season, the fact I’m just getting over a cold, or the blame the simple fact I’m pregnant and have 3 kids to care for and I’m just plain tired. But if I had to be honest, I have dreaded writing this. Its not fair, its not her fault, but I do feel guilt that I couldn’t wait to write about her brother and sister and what their birthdays meant to me after some time of reflection. Just sitting here I feel the dampness on my cheeks, the bleeding wounded heart seeping and the bitterness mixed with gratefulness if that makes sense…so here I go

Ezrah May you are 4 years old! You have been patiently waiting for the month “Cember”, you have told people in the grocery store, people who have stopped by to pick things up on salecycle, or stopped those people in church whom you love and made sure they all knew your birthday was looming. After proudly announcing your older age, you then state, “I’m going to cool (school) with Cayden!”. You can’t wait to grow up, it wasn’t to long ago when we were talking about going to college with your brother and having him reply he did NOT want to move away from us, that you without missing a beat said, “I’m going to move away!” There was so much determination in your voice that it caught your father and I off guard. It broke our hearts in more ways then you could understand.

You have so many goals right now, for only being four. I’m thankful that you got the dreaming gene from your father, that the world isn’t always in black and white like it is for me. You need to dream little one, because when you have dreams, it means you have a hope and future. Those are two very big things to cling to on this journey God has called you on. Admist your dreams, I sense a seriousness about you, and discernment in your soul that you know you that you NEED to make goals and dream big. There is a look in your eyes when you talk earnestly about your future, that makes me stop what I am doing and listen. You love to tell me your dreams, in fact you feel them so intensely that you will at times have tears in your eyes after sharing them with me or nana. You can tell a story and show me that you at times live in another world, maybe as a coping mechanism.

Your sweet spirit, that doesn’t always grace us has been my friend this month. Maybe God knew I needed some joy, I needed a reason to just sit and smile with you, instead of muttering things under my breath about the life He has called you too. I have been told on a daily basis this month, “mom you are the best mom in the WHOLE house!”. Hey, I’ll take any complements from you, since most of the time your critiques on my parenting do not reflect those sentiments. I have found you running to lay in my arms and not daddy’s on occasions that would have sent you running to him.

I also had the pleasure of watching you stand in front of the waitress at the restaurant after your birthday dinner and look up at her with your big brown eyes, holding your baby in your arms, and saying “thank you for dessert!, it was SO yummy!”, without any suggestion from your manner driven mom.

I have found relief in your joy surrounding the growing baby in my belly. It has been a welcomed difference from the state of mind you had last year about having more children. You surprised us when you told us you didn’t want us to have anymore kids, after hearing your brother beg for more. You simply stated you didn’t, “want another baby”, that you didn’t, “want the baby to have CF”. At 3 yrs old you had comprehended the difficult life of CF. But now I find you standing behind me with a big smile while Im getting dressed and never hesitating to tell me “wow mommy, your tummy is getting so fat!”. You will reach out and rub my belly if I’m standing close to you, you will tell me all the things you can’t wait to do with the baby, and you even have now said, that you think we should have a boy, since cayden doesn’t have a little brother and you have Kyre. Far cry from a few weeks ago when you told everyone you only wanted another baby “siser”.

My sweetest memory of you this year, was a few weeks ago. We had headed to ballet the weekend after thanksgiving. No other parents showed up. The teacher kindly decided to do some stretches with you since we were there. I finally got to watch in person, after weeks of sitting in the hallway, unable to see what you were doing. You sat straight, placed your sweet little arms up above your head and followed each direction with intensity. I all of a sudden I found tears streaming down my face, the worst thing ever, since you know your mommy hates crying, let alone in a public place. I was engulfed with the realization that you were growing up, that you had a life outside of our safe little hermit shell and that you seemed to be thriving. I started to cry tears of grief, of sadness, and more importantly of hope. I envisioned you being a teenager, coming to the ballet studio any chance you got making sure you had every detail worked out for your soon to be audition for the dance scholarship in college. You were beautiful, you made my heart skip a beat, and you allowed me to dream for just a second and not get caught up in the crappy statistics of CF.

We just watched Despicable Me 2 last friday. There is a scene where Gru gets ready to put the girls down and goes to kiss the youngest goodnight. She says something really cute and funny to him and you see him look longingly at her, with contentment, with complete joy because he knows he can’t imagine life without her, that he is SO thankful for her. He kisses her and pats her on the head and says “never grow up agnes, never grow up”. That scene killed me. I got it, I understood in that second that it summed up the dance I find myself in with you. There are days I just want you to stay little forever, in this safe little bubble we have created for you and not even think about your tainted future. Then there are days, that I somehow allow the massive walls I have built to crumble and I sit and dream of your future. A future God has told me to start praying specifically for. God recently laid it on my heart to pray in a specific way for your future husband, I wont say who or what He told me, but I will tell you it gives me hope, because why would God ask me to pray for the future I tend to block out and not dream in.

So my Ezzy May, I just want to say that even though I have questioned God, more times then I ever want to admit because it would reveal my true lack of faith, I want you to know that I can’t imagine my life without. It never fails that when you are sick like you are now or when we relieve this time of year that the feelings and realization of blessings are clouded with the fact I still ask God why. I still ask him why he didn’t heal you, why he hasn’t healed my heart. I wonder if my faith wasn’t strong enough, if I didn’t pray hard enough as I watched you cling for life, or wonder if I am paying for past sins.

All I know is that you have taken my breath away, that you have carved a deep hole in your father’s heart that only YOU can fill, how you and your Nana have a bond that no one can break and you guys speak to each other’s heart in only a way you two can, you have been the best big sister to Kyre, patiently giving her lessons in how to fake cry or better yet how to perfect 1st and 2nd position in ballet,

how you many times will come to the aide of your brother when he is avoiding cleaning the bomb in his room,

and the way you have stolen hearts of people who have loved you from afar and have followed your journey these last few years. Your thankful heart reflects the very mold God made you in, this thanksgiving your thankful list was sweet and concise and summed up who you are. Your love of your two bestfriends and your outlet in life has made your quality of life very full.

Ezrah May, thank you for being a tough little warrior. One that faces the challenges with a bravery I’m in awe of, I just sit in shock watching you hand your arm over to do your labs and as it is covered in IV scars from your life in the hospital. I watch you allow the doctors to poke and prod you, just to hear you tell them “thank you” with tears down your face after having the massive q-tip shoved down your throat for the culture.

I pray that when you start to get older, when you start to grasp the future with CF, that you will hold tight to the dreams you have fiercely made, that you will continue to teach me that some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I pray that the courage God instilled in you will be something you continue to teach me so that when you have days that you find yourself in the black hole that has become my comfort, that I will be your strength, that I will be able to tell you that there is a hope and future, because you showed me it.

Ezzy May, we love you, we treasure you and we pray you know that our lives have been enriched by you, that God in His confusing ways made you in this package for a purpose and how we have the choice to cling to the fact that you are ours, and we are the ones blessed to have you! Happy birthday my 4 year old!