I have been living in denial, in 6 short days Ezzy will be leaving us and embarking on a new adventure…school. To help ease my mind, I decided to write a letter to her new teacher along with printing some pics of her. I have NO idea what this new chapter will mean for Ezzy, for our family, for our faith as it is tested. All that I know is that God is calling us, well, mainly me, to a really big test, a test that requires complete and utter faith and trust in him as we accept the unknown, even if we fight it the entire way. So as I am going to him, I believe he wants me to let the teacher know a little bit about her before her first day, as well as know a little about the struggle her parents are going through. I pray the letter is well received and that Ezrah isn’t seen as a burden, but instead a blessing. Because lets face it, how can you not evaluate your own personal life, witness the unexplained, or better yet smile as you spend time in her presence, Ezrah is different in so many ways. I pray that her presence in the classroom will bring joy to her new teacher and classmates.

Dear Ms. XXXX,

I am blessed, scared, ready, and utterly torn about our Ezrah attending preschool this year. As her enrollment paperwork states, she has Cystic Fibrosis (CF). This fatal lung and digestive disease doesn’t define her as a person, but unfortunately is a massive part of her daily life. I hope to share a little with you about who she is, as I am coming to grips with the fact she will be out of the safe little bubble we created for her. If you set aside the lists of accommodations she will need and look into her big brown eyes and start to get to know her, you will find that she is really good at wedging herself into your heart. She is loved by so many people who have watched her overcome things that most adults would struggle with and still manage to have more determination and tenacity to keep trucking along.

Ezrah’s personality:
-lives in the black and white, the gray is hard to understand, can’t help but think its because of her life in the hospital, constant travel to see specialists, having IV scars on her arms, a big scar across her tummy from emergency life saving surgery at 2 days old, or the fact that many days she has to suck it up and cope with her disease

-incredibly compassionate to those who are different, most likely because she is all to aware that she is different
-craves stability and control, she has meltdowns and can’t transition well, her regimen of therapies, meds, and life with CF has made her live with a list she has to check off each day. She is aware so little of her life lets her have a say, so sometimes she will fight and fight for control

-loves to laugh, ALOT, she doesn’t like to be silly, to stand out more then she does, but will find the humor in most things
-lives to dance and sing, she can memorize a song so fast!

Ezrah’s health:
-she knows the importance of good weight, she asks to eat ALL the time, her disease doesn’t allow her to digest or absorb nutrients like you and me, so she eats and eats, which will be shocking when you see how skinny she is
-because of the digestive disease her normal bowel movements many times look like diarrhea. She is on meds that make her have explosive bowel movements, which has led to embarrassment. If she says she has to go, she means it
-she has a base line cough, but when she gets sick, you will notice her wheeze and hack, its because her lungs are full of thick mucous. It would be similar to you and me breathing through a straw
-when she has to take the dreaded antibiotics and steroids, I watch my sweet little 4 yr old have “roid rage” or worse a decrease in appetite because the meds hurt her tummy
-she gets run down fast, her inability to absorb and utilize “fuel” definitely affects her activity level, if she is fighting a cold, her whole body aches from struggling to breathe normally and because of the antibiotics she is on

I have been encouraged to know parents who have entrusted their little ones with you and have shared that Ezzy couldn’t ask for a better teacher. I am excited to watch her grow and flourish outside our 4 walls, make friends, soak up all the new experiences and live life to the fullest. I know that sick kids come to school, many times very sick kids, unavoidable, but this is the scariest part for us. We were told when she was 3 wks old that we would be lucky to see her make her early 30s, that we would need to strive for optimum health in hopes she could make it to adulthood. We sadly out of fear and grief made her life dependent on the list of things she couldn’t do because of CF and didn’t focus on what she could do.

I worry she won’t advocate for herself, either because she doesn’t want to stand out or because she is finally away from her drill sergeant mom and can’t wait to try things, especially things she knows aren’t good for her.

So as the days are rapidly approaching to her new freedom, I hope that by sharing a little about who she is will help as you do what you love to do and teach little minds. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for caring for her during the upcoming school year. My husband and I are holding onto the fact that this new chapter in her life is one that she needs and we need to let go and watch her amaze us more then she has in the last 4 yrs.

Any questions or concerns please don’t hesitate to let us know!
richard 254-2535 dickharney@gmail.com
sarah 821-0204 sarahmayharney@gmail.com

Sincerely,
Sarah Harney

We recently went to the beach with some friends to let the kids play and take advantage of the gorgeous weather we have been having. As we were setting up all the things you need when going ANYWHERE with little ones I soon stepped into my now normal rhythm and started to attend to the endless needs a family of 6 has. Hey mom I need…mom help…sarah….waa…mom…sarah…well after that went on for about 20 mins I heard a chuckle taking place behind me. I realized I had been the entertainment of one of the families and couldn’t help but find myself smiling as well.

I know that if I were to flip the coin, I would miss this utter chaos that I call my rhythm, I would actually crave the dynamic hum that my family puts off just living, I would miss that a kiss on the forehead, an encouraging word after life beats up your 6 yr old heart, a need met before mine, or yet another meal created as a baby nurses from my chest, could never be replaced by my occasional “the grass is greener” thoughts that slip in when I haven’t even addressed the basic needs a mother/wife has when caring for 5 other people.

So for amusement for myself, I decided to create a log of a typical 24 hr period for me…

1:08 – wake up to a sweet little baby sucking her thumb looking for momma’s milk

3:24 – wake up to a hungry baby, didn’t I just get back to sleep?

4:50 – arm is asleep, must roll over and pray the sleeping baby in my arms will stay asleep

6:08 – wake up to a baby sucking on my arm, she swears she is hungry, but only wants to eat from one side, how dare I suggest she switch to other side?

6:20 – hear a stampede coming from the girls’ room, so much for sleeping in, oh well, I’ll just close my eyes and wait till they come and find me, they always do…they ALWAYS do

7:30 – baby wakes up, hey, so do I, yay!!!

7:35 – change 2 diapers in a row, apparently the baby prefers clean diapers to poop in

7:50 – unclog the toilette, figured out what the girls were doing at 6:20

8:05 – spend 5 mins bribing the 4 yr old with homemade waffles, blueberries and whipcream IF she promises to NOT throw a fit about therapy…bring IT ON kid, I know that you won’t be able to hold it together, it will be cereal like it is every morning

8:11 – beg for my phone that is being held for ransom by the 2 yr old who is a technology protégée…i needed my phone to be reformatted anyways

8:27 – realize my waffle recipe calls for 1/4 tsp of salt NOT 1 tsp….oh well, at-least the CFer won’t complain

8:34 – inform the 2 yr old for the 5th time if she doesn’t take her diaper off she will not get bfast, followed by “you’re the worst mom E.V.E.R.” look…yeah I know, I get that award without even trying, you can hate me later

8:45 – froth my creamer, run my Keurig just to find out I never put coffee in it

9:05 – eat bfast one handed while nursing and rocking baby to sleep…story of MY LIFE

10:08 – vacuum the thousandth lego piece…my husband is going to kill me…sarah haven’t you done the math?!? those little buggers are EXPENSIVE!! come on Sarah, you should have gotten on your hands and knees and scanned the floor before vacuuming

10:15 – braid 2 yr olds hair while baby cries on the floor during tummy time, can’t let the 2 yr old down again just because the baby is crying

10:23 – told “agoo” by the sweetest baby EVER mid nursing session…what’s that baby? did you just tell me that was the BEST meal of your life?!?

10:25 – impromptu ballet recital by 2 yr old who will not be dethroned by cooing baby

10:46 – found missing neb cup & mask in the lego bin, duh, why didn’t I look there in the first place 2 wks ago?

11:20 – nurse starving baby, wait, wasn’t I just here and hour ago?

11:21 – “mom!!!!” (being yelled from the bathroom by the 4 yr old)… “Ez, you are going to have to wait”

11:28 – 6 yr old informs me that the 2 yr old is in the shower with the 4 yr old, clothes and all

11:35 – dry off and dress 2 yr old again

11:40 – check on 4 yr old after her shower, find her dressed and playing with her dolls with soap still in her hair

11:41 – take 4 yr old to the bathroom to rinse hair out just to find out the shower curtain wasn’t tucked in during the showers…oh well, I needed to clean the floors anyways

11:58 – finally finish 4 yr old’s hair, yes my child you were right it did take FOREVER. 6 yr old sees it and says she looks like Elsa, did you hear that Ezzy?!? Worth asking her to sit still every 30 secs with a smile like that as a reward

12:15 – let kids pick out one toy from the naughty box after they earned it back due to cleaning their rooms

12:27 – finish making lunch just to find the 2 yr old with a pen and new stripes on her arms…apparently she is a tiger, she roars btw the way too

12:35 – talk to the hubs on the phone while he drives home since he is letting me go running during his lunch break

1 pm – rain soaked run finished, followed by a quick shower with the door closed!!!! just to be joined by the hubs and the 2 yr old

1:25 – kiss the hubs goodbye while eating the sandwhich he made for me #husbandisasaint

1:29 – help the 6 yr old locate his favorite lego guy after he informs me “mom, I have a short memory”. Found it near the snack box, go figure

2:15 – neighbor kid barges in my room while I am nursing baby to hide during their hide and go seek game

2:30 – call neighbor kid’s mom and explain I didn’t just whip my boob out infront of her son, that he just walked into my room, she apologizes profusely, I apologize profusely, situation taken care of hopefully

3 pm – go through old photos to send to my aunt for her bday, find a photo of me that looks just like Ya’el

3:45 – nurse tired fussy baby

3:55 – find myself singing 5 little monkeys while rocking the baby, thanks to the dance party going on in Cayden’s room

4:14 – ask neighbor kid if he washed his hands after going potty, his reply “how did you know?”…I’m that good kid, really

5 pm – 2 yr old finds new dress up clothes from a friend and messes with the piles of clothes I just sorted

5:15 – give up trying to make dinner until daddy comes home and holds the baby that thinks the Ergo is the worst creation at the moment

5:25 – try to help the melting down 2 yr old who can’t stand the way the straps of the dress is falling on her shoulders…I hear you kid, how dare they sit a quarter of an inch farther then you want

5:45 – enlist cayden to help with dinner and teach him how to follow a recipe

6:30 – nurse baby after scarfing my dinner while hubby held her off so I could eat it while it was hot…#husbandisasaint

7:35 – show daddy Ya’el’s new trick= giggling when tickled…could life get ANY better?!?

8:05 – nurse baby while daddy chases children around the house and telling them they are making his hands sweat…they have been warned…spankings are about to commence

8:15 – lay sleeping baby down so she can join her siblings and give us some much needed alone time

8:20 – decompress with the hubs while watching our show

8:30 – compromise with the 4 yr old if she promises to not get out of bed again…whatever it takes, if it means we can be alone for atleast an hour before our bodies force us to bed

8:45 – tell Cayden to go back to bed, no son, you didn’t just develop a fever in the last 30 mins you have been in your room

9:10 – baby wakes and hubs rushes to be the first to hold and snuggle her

9:40 – nurse baby after she tells dad she has had enough of his snuggles

10:30 – crawl into bed after the hubs rubs my sore back

12:35 – nurse baby..oh wait…its a new day…

The two youngest are sleeping right, the two oldest are playing with the neighbor kid. My floors have been swept, dishes put away, and I just realized the tv is quietly playing in the background, because honestly I forgot to turn it off since I am so use to drowning out noise.

I was stopped by strangers today all throughout my grocery shopping trip. I was asked the ages of the kids, asked if they were all mine, told I had my hands full, saw someone chuckle as I disciplined the 4 yr old who stomped her foot and rebutted my decision. I was asked if I was okay, if I needed help, and told they we were just the cutest. A friend with multiple children all in tow was there too and when she saw me she said “i thought I was the only one desperate today”. But my favorite conversation was with an elderly gentleman who asked all their ages and then told me I was doing “something right”. I half laughed, because to be honest, that is NOT the response I usually get when people find out how many kids I have. He told me I was blessed, I told him thanks, he then said it again with a nod. How did he know that I needed to hear that the chaos, my chaos is a blessing, how did he know it took an hour just to get everyone on board to take a 6 min drive to the grocery store and I wanted to just give up this morning?

I AM blessed, thankfully I ran into someone who looked at my chaos and only saw something beautiful, something that is worth more than anything this world tries to offer, something God has entrusted to me. Thankful for my kind stranger today, who spoke to my heart, not once, but twice, to make sure I saw the gems that I get to call mine.

I’m panting, the steady rhythm of my feet hitting the trail causes squirrels and wandering dogs to scatter as I approach. I feel as though I am flying just for a moment…and then the moment passes just in time to see my destination in sight. Soon the quiet my soul craves, the secret place I rest in will be over. My life-giving and life-consuming family is waiting on me. I know that I will have to climb out of the shell I was retreating in and force myself to speak and react physically and not just in my head. I leave my comfort with assurance that the silence God has called me to these last 9 weeks isn’t over, it’s just going to look different and I have the choice to accept it and be thankful for what I can get or I’m going to be battling the most stubborn contender out there…my inner self…

Isn’t it interesting that the moment you decide to give something up it all of a sudden is the most appealing thing? Or when you decide to “clean” out the clutter, just to realize that the thing you threw away so quickly without any remorse, actually has great meaning? So…the latter describes my reliance on social media. As I was approaching my time away from ministry a few weeks before having Ya’el, it was impressed upon my heart that if I was to truly rest I was going to have to give up a huge idol in my life. At first I defended myself to God, telling him in a nonchalant way that facebook was not an issue for me. Yeah, it was within minutes after I felt the need to defend myself, that I realized, if I was so worked up to justify it THEN it must be an issue. Honestly, I judged those of you who would randomly make posts about taking “time off” from FB…really, I would sometimes laugh or worse think to myself “thank goodness I have a little self control”. Well…little did I know that self control was the very thing I lacked when it comes to social media.

My intentions and goals for my rest period away from ministry was to ask and wait for God to tell me what I am suppose to be doing in this new season of life. To make sure my steps are ordained by him and not my own desires. IF I truly wanted to hear him it meant that I had to accept THE silence. A silence different then the fake silence I use to think was my soul’s greatest need. Some of you might be saying, wait?!? I thought I saw some blog posts and pics. Well you are right, I did posts those either because my husband asked me to or because I only inteded on sharing them but not checking them. I would respond to messages or posts only after my husband let me know I had them.

At first I was M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E…NO joke. I had “friends” announcing the gender of their babies, friends having babies, family members taking vacations, and other fun events of people’s lives that I love to read about and get utterly wrapped up in. It hit me by day 3 that I was an addict. I would grab my phone when I first woke up, before my shower, during a bathroom break, after serving breakfast, after cleaning the house, well, you get where I am going with this. I literally was attached to the little object that I deemed at some point in my life as a life-giving thing. I found myself restless, disconnected, and frustrated. The last thing I wanted to do was seek God, the very thing I was suppose to be striving for.

I was blessed by a friend who took a sabbatical from ministry. I was sent emails that encouraged me to not be afraid of this new silence I found myself in. To accept the push and pull and trust God. The new silence was scary and left to my own devices, I fought it, many times leaving me more empty then I was before.

Then after unconsciously wrapping my hands tight around my ears and heart, the grip started to fade. Soon I heard the still gentle voice calling, calling me.

During this time I was faced with accepting the fact that I was allowing not just social media to be an idol, but so much more. I was filling myself with things that were temporary and fleeting, that gave immediate gratification, hello “like” button on FB, to give me a sense of self worth. Ouch.

When I let go I realized that the root of it all came down to pride I new that the pruning was beginning.

Pride is defined as: a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or qualities or possessions that are widely admired

I never thought of myself as a prideful person. Really. I always give credit were credit is due and many times don’t find myself qualified to do things.

But pride, deeply rooted down within my soul was impacting my marriage, my greatest treasures that rely on me daily to be their mom and my ministry.

I allowed my pride to set a standard for how my house was suppose to look daily. Never-mind if it cost me moments I could have been playing with my kids or spending time in my husband’s arms. Pride drove me to have unrealistic measures that told my family that my worth wasn’t wrapped up in their unconditional love for me, but instead wrapped up in an ideal from others.

I once read that the root of pride comes from comparison. If you stop and think about that, isn’t it really true?!?

Comparison caused me to think I wasn’t the best house wife it my home didn’t resemble pottery barn or all of the new Pinterest DIY home improvements. Comparison drove me to think that if I didn’t bounce back to pre-baby weight like others that I was worthless. Comparison told me that if I didn’t research and plan an elaborate craft with my kids, like other moms, that I should give up. Comparison told me that I was never enough.

When the wool was pulled from my eyes I repented, I thanked God for the pruning he promises to do in John 15:1 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” and I found a heart change to be the exact solution to my deception.

I am not going to sit here and judge ANY of you anymore. I am going to triple “like” a status if you decide to be transparent and share with the world that you are giving up an idol, whatever it may be. Everyone’s idols look different. Some are apparent to everyone around you, others are hidden so deep that you don’t even know until you go into silence.

I sure as heck am not going to say that I am “fixed” that I won’t have this struggle anymore. But the wonderful thing about the truth is that once it is revealed, you can no longer say “I didn’t know any better”. Just as John says, “apart from him, I can do NOTHING”. I desire to bear fruit in my life.

My house hasn’t been fully swept in 3 days (only in the kitchen since those pesky ants won’t go away). I put aside, my neat freak self and watched my 4 yr old make lunch for herself and her little sis.

I found my big girl pants and mustered up the courage to take all my babies to the beach ON MY OWN when other things I would have normally deem more important then an adventure were screaming at me.

Today we went to the library even though my house was not cleaned, the girls room had spilled bubbles and stickers ALL over the hard wood floor, thanks to my 15 minutes nursing session before trying to leave, and you know what? I was hugged, kissed and told I was their FAVORITE. After walking to the mall for some icecream with my girls recently I realized all my girls wanted was a mommy who would drop everything for them, a mommy who heard their own searching hearts.

Best of all I had the courage to tell my husband, my best friend, after my first run at Ward lake, that I know without a doubt I am suppose to take a semester off from school. Pride, stupid pride, was/is forcing me to put things before the 4 little lives God has entrusted me with and at times before the hand picked mate he has given me.

Without the silence that I found myself in I wouldn’t have had the strength to dig deep and evaluate the heavy plate I carry. Without the silence I wouldn’t have heard God tell me the things in my heart that don’t reflect his grace and love. Without the silence I wouldn’t have seen that at the end of the day, each day is a gift. How much I need to be rooted in him if I want to “bear much fruit”. How better to see fruit then to watch my family grow closer and be secure thanks to the unconditional pouring out we do for one another, while unattached to the many distractions of life.

My prayer is that I can give myself away, but only in a way that reflects Christ. Not in a way that stretches me thin, that leaves me stressed and overwhelmed reaching for a goal that I “think” matters.

I am excited my rest period is over, I return to ministry this coming sunday. I won’t consider school until the spring semester. But most of all I will be striving to be the wife and mother I have been called to me.

I will be catching up with your lives slowly as I “stalk”…haha…your pages during moments that don’t steal me from my family and see what you guys have been up to these last 2 months 🙂 It will take me some time since I have gotten in the habit of putting my phone down and walking away from it for hours, heaven forbid, because I have been caught up in living life with my family. Thankful I can rely on God to be my filter and tell me when I open the door for pride to find its’ way in.

The only purpose of sharing this with you all was to explain why I retreated. But also to share what I learned. I learn from other’s honesty and felt compelled to do the same 🙂

It has been 4 weeks or 32 days or 768 hours since Ya’el has been in our lives. When I stop and think about how long she has been in our arms, I wonder if God is listening to my heart, did he not hear me when I told…I mean asked him to slow down time? But then there are days when I look into this little soul’s eyes and get completely lost with such an intensity that I can’t remember the past without out her. We dreamed of her after watching her suck her thumb the whole time during the anatomy check and we now watch her do in “real life”

Week 1:
It was and still is a fog for me. If we had any hopes of life being easy with 4 littles ones, it quickly vanished with the realization that all of them were “sick” and had to be seen. Cayden with a lingering sinus infection, Ezzy with a nasty cough that got worse along with an ear infection, Kyre with a horrendous pesky sinus infection and Ya’el with a high bili count that was making her the color of a pumpkin. Ezzy started calling her “my little pumpkin”. So we soon found ourselves at the doctor office with all of them, armed with snacks, water, and yes electronics.

We survived, we were told our children were amazing and left completely thankful that their temporary lack of health was soon fading. Ya’el was typically found nestled on my left side, near to my heart, soothed by the steady beating, the sound that most likely lulled her to sleep in my belly and soon was given the nickname “the tumor” by daddy.

Week 2:
Richard went back to work, working 1/2 days. He went back with a promotion and found himself the new supervisor, supervising people who he came into this job looking up too. Talk about extra stress to an already stressful week. It may not seem like such a hard thing, but good lord, I dreaded after lunch when I knew he would be walking out the door and it was 4 against 1. We would have given anything to make his paternity leave longer, but life with Ezzy requires always having a minimum of a week of PTO saved if she has to be hospitalized or sent south. The kids took it easy on me and even with the night meetings and tasks that kept him at the office longer then expected, we survived. Ya’el spent her days following the strict schedule Nana gave her: eat, sleep, and poop. Even though at times she seemed like a blob I overheard Ezzy telling her that she was “delicious” and that she just wanted to “eat her”…yeah, note to self, DON’T leave the baby with the 4 yr old.

Week 3:
Reality really sunk in, Richard was back to work full-time and had a few lunch breaks that left him at work and me on my own with an always hungry baby and 3 verbally demanding children. Those crazy post pregnancy hormones found their way quickly in my mind, leaving me wondering why on earth God thought I could handle another. I apparently was unable to hide it after awhile and came rushed out of the bathroom after helping the 2 yr old and was given orders by Cayden to go and eat, that “he had her”.

Ladies if you have a daughter around 6 I would highly suggest a pre-arranged marriage with my little man, really, he is just amazing. My sweet momma saw a break in the weather and took a day off to help me get out with the kids, knowing the 4 walls were beginning to take its toll on us. We spent the day at the beach and soaked up each ray of sunshine we could find, healing my awful thoughts that told me I didn’t deserve my babies.

Ya’el started to spend more time awake and I found my sweet quiet little soul staring at me as I sang to her, listening carefully to every note.

Week 4:
Just when it seemed like the demanding nursing schedule my growing chubby baby was on just might be doable, I found myself at midnight with chills and some of the most severe pelvic pain in my life. After a trip to the doctor I was sent home with antibiotics and pain meds and told I had an infection and to take it very easy. Take it easy?!? With 5 people relying on me…yeah…ok…I was blessed by a sweet friend who took the 3 big kids for the day and then brought dinner to us. My mom came over each day after work to help in whatever way a family of 6 needed: dinner, dishes washed, laundry folded, bottoms wiped or spanked, baby rocked, bedtime stories read, a push on a swing, or a listening ear.

If you have had the chance to steal a glance of Ya’el, you might think she looks just like her brother

if you attempt to say her name infront of her sisters you will find a 4 and 2 yr old correcting your pronunciation

if you are blessed to hold her you will soon find the stressors of life melt as you close your eyes and breathe her in.

I would be doing a diservice to you all if I wasn’t completely transparent. We love her more then anything, but her arrival brought with her the fact that we all had to re-establish our roles with our family. The kids 95% of the time hold no resentment to her and actually can’t seem to give her space, so much so that we have to tell them she needs “time-out” from the constant touching…and yet she still seems to constantly be in contact with someone.

Even though Richard and I have added a new little life to our family every other year for the past 6 yrs, we still had to figure out how to adjust, how to dance again with one another. All I can say is that I am thankful for a spouse, a best friend, a man of God who when we seemed to reach our max, he stepped back, held my hand and prayed to the one who holds and has held us close in our relationship these past 14 yrs.

There are going to be days when I am going to run and hide in the bathroom with my secret stash of chocolate that I save for the many “emergencies” that a mom of multiple children will need, there are going to be days when my house looks like an atomic bomb went off and it’s only 9 a.m., there are going to be days when you will run into me at the grocery store and I look disheveled and my kids might or might not have had a bath in 3 days, BUT I will tell you this, that even with all the crazy she has brought to our lives if you were to ask each of us, we wouldn’t trade her for anything, our lives have all made space and entwined with another yet again and we are an even stronger family for it. Sweet baby Ya’el we love you and are treasuring watching you grow and helping make us better people for learning to give when we think can’t give anymore and smile when we think there it’s nothing to smile about!

June 5th was shaping up to be another day of me being pregnant and trying to embrace each minute of baby girl inside of me. I woke early and took a shower, straightened my hair and attempted to shave my legs for my ob appointment scheduled a few hours later. I figured I would take one last pic of my growing belly, secretly wishing it would be my last day holding her inside of me. My desperation for her grew as each day came and left without her in my arms.

My sister was kind enough to watch the girls so I didn’t have to bring them with me my appointment. After meeting with my OB, I was scheduled for an inducement on the 6th. We only told one other couple, asked for prayers that the inducement would happen and went about the rest of the day. Richard worked his way through his lunch break, knowing the importance to finish things up before his week-long paternity leave started. The girls and I grabbed him lunch and savored our pizza pockets and doughnuts from A&P. We squeezed in a quick nap and popsicles were a must after walking to cayden’s school in the warm weather! Richard thankfully stood in the kitchen slaving away on my dinner request as my contractions started to come. I assured everyone I was fine and nibbled on the dinner I had been craving. We snuggled on the couch with the kids; daddy explained to them why mommy was getting up and swaying back and forth, and it was a quiet way to start labor. As bedtime approached for the kids, we said our nighttime prayers and I realized that labor was getting more and more intense. I again, tried to assure Richard I was fine, not fully giving into the fact I was in labor and sent him to bed. Midnight came and I was soon faced with the fact I couldn’t be “tough” any longer, my contractions were coming at a frequency I could no longer hide and my husband woke to a stubborn wife unwilling to admit it was time to go to the hospital. After secretly timing my contractions I was informed that a minute and a half was out of his comfort zone and a phone call was placed to nana. We arrived at the back entrance of the hospital at 1 am, I of course refused to be pushed in a wheelchair and soon realized that my stubbornness was ridiculous. Countless stops along the way to the OB ward happened as my husband’s face showed immense concern as well as excitement. I found myself lost in some worship songs I have been working on for church and blocked everything out, Richard was ever patient, trying to attend to my needs, but knew to wait until I asked. My water broke shortly after arriving, a first for me, since all the other kids’ labors required help from the doc each delivery. After downing two IV bags and my first round of antibiotics the call was place to the nurse anesthetist at 2:30 am…Mr. Steve is a saint in my books and after figuring out how to get my heart rate to chill out after the epidural I found some much needed relief. 4 am came with the realization that there was no stopping the pressure that was soon making me uncomfortable. After convincing the doc that his wife really had to push, I was surrounded by my husband and nurses at 4:10…9 minutes later little miss was out and screaming to the world that she was here.

Ya’el Ariel Ruth was born at 4:19 am, June 6th, weighting 7lbs 13 oz and 20 in long. It seems so surreal when I think about how everything fell into place. I was able to get Cayden through all his end of school activities without balancing a newborn. I went into labor on my own without having to be induced, something we had been praying for and close to the weekend so Richard didn’t have to use up too much PTO while in the hospital, my mom was able to help out with the big kids and the nurse that helped deliver Ezzy and Kyre, was there to deliver Ya’el. The OB doc that delivered Ya’el was not my first pick, but ended up being the exact doc I needed to help deliver a baby that was coming out face up, which is apparently a difficult way to deliver a baby.

Ya’el (strength of God) Ariel (lion of God) Ruth (faithful companion, vision of beauty) is perfect in every way. My mom did an amazing job naming her.

We were blessed by my friend Stephanie to come and take pics less then 8 hrs after her birth…enjoy!

My mom with help from my sister dressed the kids in the shirts we had made with them a few days before hand and headed our way.

Stephanie was able to capture the very essence of what Ya’el means to all of us.

The pure joy we experienced as parents as we studied each detail of her tiny body is written all over our faces.

As she was placed in my mother’s arms and received her much anticipated name, it all started to sink in.

She was analyzed by a disappointed brother who just wanted to see some blood.

Ezzy immediately asked if we got to keep her

and Kyre…well the pic says it all.

It has been 5 days since she came into the world and I lack words that do justice to her very presence within our home.

She is a vision of beauty

I will say that I have been asking the maker of time to do me a favor…

as I look at the other kids and realize how much they have grown, I’m aware I haven’t drank in their precious lives enough and I truly blinked. I am cherishing every nighttime feed

every poopy butt and every chance I get to know this little soul that has been given to us. Our family feels more complete as we have all open our hearts to her and embrace the change she has brought to us all.

So two weeks have now passed since my OB doc told me “anyday”…

I know, my last blog that I wrote I sounded in control of the crazy hormones almost every pregnant woman faces her last few weeks of pregnancy. I had truly convinced myself that I was OK with God’s timing, because he knows best. All those sentiments have slowly been running away to far away locations and I’m not sending out a search party for them.

To attempt to keep myself in check and chill out, since the peace I was clinging to disappeared when I was told I could be holding my baby girl “anyday”, I decided last week to make a thankful list of things I had the chance to do that wouldn’t be possible or very difficult to do with a newborn. Don’t get me wrong, I would trade the miserably constant full feeling, the achy body at the end of the day, the swelling fingers and legs, the 5 lbs I just gained in ONE WEEK, in an instant if it meant she was here to smell, nurse, and gaze at.

In the last two weeks I have been called “fatty” by another female…yeah…I shook that off as best as I could. I have been asked “how much farther can that belly stick out?!?” or my absolute favorite, “you haven’t had that baby yet?” Yup, because I CHOOSE to keep her inside me, all to myself, sucking my reserves and making me less then patient with my husband who tells me that he is done with pregnant sarah…I can’t blame him…I AM done with pregnant sarah.

It hasn’t helped that I tested positive for the first time with group strep B and also have had swelling, enough to concern my doc. I have had to do 2 stress tests in the last week and try to “take it easy” and drink tons of water. I’m already a water drinker and I swear it’s all I have been doing is drinking water. I know strep B is common, but you see I have had 2 friends with sick babies because of this common treatable bacteria. So as my mom and Richard keep saying, I have to trust God even more and know that he is keeping careful watch over baby girl and careful watch over my heart IF I just let him.

As we approach my so called LAST week of pregnancy, I have recently learned the OB providers are perfectly comfortable allowing women go a week past their due date before even talking about inducement, I am making the choice to find something to be thankful for each day that I am still pregnant. Because let’s face it, when baby girl gets here, as restricted as I feel now, it will not compare to the list of restrictions with a newborn and a tired body trying to recover from birthing yet another human. I am fighting the urge inside of me and daily making a choice to be thankful instead of anxious and realize that I will be sad down the road when I watch her grow with each milestone and say goodbye to the baby years for good. I was talking with God, sharing with him that I’m ready and am going to keep putting on a brave face, but that my sanity is slipping and he COULD take care of the situation…hint, hint. It was shortly after that I realized it was June 2007 when Cayden was conceived, it was that very month that God decided to hear our breaking hearts and knit our firstborn in my womb. Here I am, 7 years later and that same month is closing a chapter in our lives as we prepare to bring another and our very last life into the world that has been tenderly, lovingly, and perfectly made by our maker. Ironic? NO.

So while I am trying to rest in this realization that June brings about the celebration of another year married to my best friend and the sweet memory of the conception of our son, I’m going to do my best and accept that most likely the birth of baby girl will take place during that very month, which is days away. Prayers for health and protection over baby girl, that she doesn’t get sick would be appreciated! Prayers for our big kids, ALL of whom started antibiotics for various sicknesses within the last 24 hrs, Ezzy is fighting a double whammy, but we are praying they will be healthy when their baby sis gets here!

Days of thankfulness:

May 22th:
– A chance to go play at the rec center one last time with friends before they move and a quick lunch at McDonald’s

May 23rd:
-Sunny hike with no kids
-Spicy Japanese noodles and baked salmon sushi
-Movie night with my hubby
(all thanks to nana)

May 24th:
-3 hrs of fun with the kids at the carnival and not worrying about publicly breastfeeding and changing countless diapers

-painting a birthday gift for a sweet friend and attending her birthday BBQ

May 25th:
*the hubs decided to join me in finding something to be thankful for while waiting for the little girl he talks to everynight and tries to convince that snuggling in his arms is ten times better then mommy’s tummy…
-Sleeping in after spending the whole night puking…thank you carnival food…
-Building a cedar smoke house with the 3 big kids (Richard)

May26th:
-Making cookies early in the morning
-going for a trail hike with the family and relaxing at the beach

-playing at the playground with friends till 7:30 at night
-not having to pack another child and all the baby stuff (Richard)

May 27th:
-Energy to get laundry done, make chex mix, and clean my fridge
-laying down for a nap and feeling my entire abdomen shake with her massive hiccups
-attending my board meeting for KIC and continue to strengthen my voice as I advocate for change
-coaching cayden’s baseball game and watching him NOT strike out once (Richard)

May 28th:
-a hot shower with the door closed…yeah that won’t be happening again for at least 18 months
-cleaning my stove with all the windows open on a windy day and not worrying about freezing a newborn
-being able to get Kyre in for a last minute doc appt (yay sinus infection) and having family and friends help with the other kids while mommy was at the doc as well (Richard)

“morning girls, how did you sleep?”

“mommy, baby out?”

“no Kyre, baby is still in mommy’s tummy”

“mommy, baby out, me hold-E”

“yes Gracie, you will hold baby when she is out of mommy’s tummy”

“ok” (sigh)

“you can hold mommy’s tummy if you want?”

“ok”

“momma, baby is going to be here in two more weeks”

“um, we don’t know when baby is going to be here, but it could be two weeks, just have to keep praying baby grows big and strong!”

“momma, I am going to change ALL her pee diapers!”

“alright Ez, you can have all the pee ones”

“momma, you can have all the poop ones, K?”

“sounds good Ez”

“baby, (talking to my tummy and completely disregarding my existance) I love you, your big brother loves you”

If you knew what richard and I were told 8 years ago, you would understand why these conversations mean SO much to us. We both had surgeries in our youth, both were told fertility could be an issue, but when you are an adolescent, do you really listen to those type of things?

Additional surgies, fertility drugs, and lots of prayer was what we were told when we sat in the doctor office as newlyweds. The stark reality that the little humans we desired to create, raise, pour every moment of our lives in, were potentially never going to come.

Yet here we are, packing our hospital bag, installing the tiny car seat, standing in the bathroom at 9:30 at night creating yet another belly cast.

With each realization that our family was approaching the size we had longed for before CF was a reality, we braced ourselves. We wondered if we had it in us to walk down the hard and challenging road again. Whether we marked calendars, kept the pregnancy stick business in order, cried as each month passed with no indicator of life growing, or better, were blindsided by the fact that a life was coming whether we planned for another or not, our hearts have responded the same each time.

“God, you really trust us…with a tiny human?”

“God, please help us raise them for your kingdom, for your glory, most of all let us be a reflection of Christ when they see us, help them to want to know you because they see how you changed us”

According to my ob, baby has dropped, I am dilated and it could be any day now. I had people telling me I dropped, but I have been living in denial with this baby. I have a list I have been slowly crossing off, things that need my attention before I am consumed with a.m. feedings, burpings, spit up, and 4 other family members requiring my attention. My list is mainly comprised of things I know are ordained by God, so I am certain that is were my peace is coming from. So utimately, God knows what he has called me to do and when he has released me from those things, I know and trust he will bring baby girl in my arms.

For now I am calmly waking up each day, grabbing my bible, reading God’s WORD, and praying for my babies during the prayer campaign for children. I for the first time, am NOT anxious, NOT trying every method or promised success in getting a baby to arrive. I am resting in God’s loving and careful timing. Knowing that when she comes, it is because God is ready to release her into the world, to take her first breaths.

God has spoken to my heart in regards to her, told me how to pray for her, and to be utterly honest, told me to pray for her a month before she became a reality…talk about a true step of faith. I shared with my mom what he had told me and she looked at me, fought back the tears and told me that I needed to get ready. I had no idea that I was going to be staring at those lines again, I really honestly questioned God telling me to pray for a fictious child…and yet I have found myself comforted in the moments I worry about her, because I am aware HE empowered me by telling me how to specifically pray for her.

So for now, with a thankful heart, I’m embracing those awful numbers on the scale, knowing she is getting chubby cheeks to kiss, a soft tummy to fill with milk and still has some knitting together to be done by her maker.

Thank you Lord, for every chance to treasure each miracle child you have given us. Thank you Lord for the two little lives we never got to meet, but know without a doubt we will hold one day in heaven. Thank you Lord for the peace you have given me. Thank you Lord for another day of stolen moments to talk to my babies about life and to slow down and be the momma you have called me to be.

SO…you know those days that you want to crawl in a hole and die, yes, THOSE days?!?

Lately I have found my patience to be on the lacking end, yeah being utterly wiped thanks to the little one stealing all my reserves is a big part in that, but school is getting to me.  I am currently in my last two weeks, spending spare time in the evenings researching to prepare for my 10-12 page papers.  Some might say, hey you have a blog, writing shouldn’t be hard…yeah, about that, I only like to write if it’s on MY time.  I was on the website of a worship team Richard and I saw during my worship conference in October.  The team is starting a campaign on mother’s day and it will go till father’s day.  Its sole purpose is to challenge, equip, and propel parents into a meaningful prayer time each day for their children.

“Dear LORD I come a desperate man
Just trying to do the best I can
I know my children look to me
So I’m on my knees cause it’s
You they need”

I will be the first to admit that I can sometimes forget to really pray over my children.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I pray for them, but sometimes it’s along the lines of  “God, can you show me why you made them like this, i.e. as they are throwing their coat on the library floor and stomping their foot with steam coming out of their 4 yr old head”.  Not really constructive prayers, I might add.  I watched the first video that explained why the worship team felt called to start a campaign and immediately was convicted to be a part of it.

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Lately Cayden has had a hard time with a certain child at his school.  This girl is mean, just plain mean.  I know, the first rule is to not believe everything your child says about things that happen when you are away from them, BUT, we have tried various ways of approaching the issue.  Nothing has seemed to help; even my veteran mom has gotten involved.  When we finally exhausted our resources we were left telling him to pray for this child…should have been our first plan of attack.  Then one night during bedtime prayers I heard him go one step further and pray “God, will you help (child’s name) see how beautiful she is, that her glasses don’t make her look funny, help her to see what I see when I look at her”.  Something must have clicked in his heart, because he has seen behavior change from his bully and witnessed the power of prayer and decided to go to God about something else.  I wish I had the courage to keep asking even when I don’t see my prayers answered.

“I’ll try to lead them by your truth
I’ll tell them life is found in you
But even that won’t be enough
Because only YOU can reveal your love”

We had the opportunity to see Ezzy gracefully step into the role of big sister the other night. While daddy and I were resting on the bench, we watched her place her helmet on Kyre’s head and help her up on her bike and slowly push her around the docks.  It was in that moment that I really began to see that God wants to shape my children’s hearts, but I am getting in the way.  Thanks to my husband who had to throw out a disclaimer before challenging me, I learned that Ezzy and I can have a super challenging relationship and my stubbornness isn’t helping.  I had to recently apologize to her the other day.  She made me SO mad, I reacted, and before I could withdraw my choice, I knew that I was wrong.  It took me hours to calm down, I was so angry at myself that I couldn’t even cry.  Finally when I was able to say the words, I grabbed hold of her and said “mommy is sorry, I should have never acted that way” her response was “it’s ok mommy”, I was immediately embraced by a lingering hug and then she went about her day.  I don’t deserve her, really.  I should be finding it a great privilege to get on my knees and have purposeful prayer for my babies.

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Why are you getting so bothered by this Sarah?  Well, to be utterly honest, it’s because I am all too aware of the fact that my mom didn’t need a prayer campaign to daily cover me in prayer.  She didn’t need a worship leader with a nose ring to make a fancy youtube video, she just did it.  There were probably worn out circles by her bedside because she watched her teenager slip away from her.  When Richard entered the picture as her new son in law, she again took on the role of a parent and fervently prayed for his salvation as well.

“That they would know your great mercy
And walk in all your ways
That the days would overflow
With peace and love
May they see the sweet salvation
And your amazing grace
Cause one day I know I’ll have to let them go”

Richard and I are living proof of what a parent’s heart can do when it makes its mind up to really PRAY for their child/ren.  I may have shackles that find their way back around my ankles, I may have people, thanks to the small town, that don’t want me to think I have a chance of being a new creation in Christ, BUT through it all I have a merciful father who tells me that I am worth it, baggage and all.

Even though I spent my entire 17 yrs under the roof of a Proverbs 31 woman, I still found myself severed from God.  I still found myself being so good at living a double life that I convinced those around me that I wasn’t making bad choices, because my grades and outward appearance didn’t resemble the rough crowd.  I entered college severed from God, quieting the still small voice and continuing to make choices I will forever live with.

So as I am watching my son make hard decisions, deal with peers who have different home environments, that will one day try to lead him down the road I ran down, I know I need to be mindful when praying for his soul.

As I watch Ezzy find so much relief and pleasure in trying to control her entire atmosphere at all costs, especially mom’s patience, I pray and hope that the anger and frustration that plague her little 4 yr old heart, won’t be there to rob her from the ONLY source of Hope.

Soon Kyre will start to come into who she is even more, so far, I rarely see the innate naughty behavior in her.  She loves life, she finds joy in everything she does, and there is no need to be serious when she could have the choice to be silly.  I pray Richard and I will help her foster her bright look on life, that we won’t let the world beat her up and force her into only black and white, like her mommy sees things.

Mother’s day, May 11th the harneys will be starting this campaign, if you want to join us, please let us know, we would LOVE to have other parents meet with us join together calling on God to:

“Would you steal their hearts
As you call their names
In a broken world
Trying to do the same
Would you let them see the
Majesty of who you are
Oh LORD, would you steal their hearts”

Watch this brief video if you want to better understand!

“Hey Ez, come here, we need to ask you something”
“So who do you want to go with you to Seattle? Mom or dad?”

“um, NANA!”

“Ezzy, Nana can’t take you, who do you want Mom or dad?”

“NANA!” (stern look on the face)

“ezzy, we understand you want nana, but if you had to choose between mom or dad, who would you pick?”

(sigh accompanied by a roll of the eyes) “mom” (turns and walks away from us)

LESSON LEARNED:
If someone had to steal her heart, at-least it is the person who stole my heart 29 years ago

For those of you who don’t know, I HATE flying, really, honestly HATE flying. I overcome my debilitating fear and continually give myself a pep talk while quieting all the crazy insane scenarios of what could go wrong while in the air, just to step foot on a plane. Really, I am the prime candidate for Xanax when it comes to flying.

We showed up to the ferry terminal with an hour and a half to spare, Ezzy started to get anxious, her siblings and her were all wound up in the back, showing us that they even get stressed when our tight family is broken up for a few days. The tension in the air could be cut with knife, but then soon ended with the baby screaming and shoving her brother to the ground so she could see the approaching ferry, which ended in giggles from all of us. Thanks Kyre, we can always count on you! Daddy turned to Ezzy sensing my anxiety rising as I picked at my nails, “hey Ez, I need you to be a big girl for mommy, mommy gets really nervous flying, when she starts to get frustrated, tell her DONT FREAK OUT MOMMY, ITS GOING TO BE OK”. I turned and looked at her and without a beat she repeated his sentence with a smile on her face.

We got through security, boarded the back of the plane, which ended up being a HUGE blessing to the 4 year old with a digestive disease and a pregnant mommy. She climbed in her seat, pulled out her crayons and paper and quietly sat without a peep while people slowly filed on, and at times were told their oversized carryon needed to be checked thanks to the very full flight. She asked me to join her and soon we were sitting letting our minds wander. Yup, I had the honor of traveling with a PRO, who wasn’t phased by the packed plane full of anxious people trying to get to their destinations.

LESSON LEARNED:
When you are anxious, sitting and coloring can be the best therapy

A month ago some friends were unexpectedly sent to Seattle with a sudden need of medical care. I had hoped we would get a chance to love on them, knowing how lonely and overwhelming being relocated for health issues can be. I also know how sometimes, during the stress you need space. I was pleasantly surprised when the offer to meet up was received.

Ezzy shut down all of a sudden when we got into their rental car. This was a total change in her steady routine of traveling to Seattle every few months. She has known the family for years, spent time in their raspberry garden, jumped on their trampoline, and waded through our alaskan waters finding sea stars with the girls many summer days. But it threw her off, probably because she saw her friend in a neck brace. As the mom and I caught up with each other, we let the girls quietly play on our IPADS in the back and warm up to each other.

Thankfully we didn’t have to ask for food, they knew we would be hungry and drove us to a restaurant that catered to every single desire of mine and Ezzy’s heart. I lost count of how many bread sticks I ate, Ezzy would have ate a pint of Alfredo sauce if we had let her and by the end of the meal, Ezzy and I had full hearts thanks to good food and good company! We were blessed to break bread with them again after a full day of shopping and running errands, our heads didn’t hit the pillow until 10 pm. We had spent the day completely ignoring the impending day of stacked appointments.

LESSON LEARNED:
Any time food is involved in a gathering, it can break down walls, especially if Alfredo sauce is an option

We had a restless night of sleep, thanks to not having our normal sleeping companions but also thanks to the next room over in the hotel…who decides to carry on a LOUD conversation at 3 am?!? As frustrated as I was, I remembered the first time we had stayed at the hotel, we didn’t step into the room until midnight, we had a rambunctious 19 mon old dealing with his new surroundings and hours spent waiting in a waiting room while mommy and daddy talked to the surgeons planning out the surgery for his new baby sister. I quickly got over myself and accepted the fact I didn’t know that person’s story next to us. In an attempt to drown out the noise I turned on the room’s air vent and ended up with a 4 yr old suffering from a 30 min coughing session thanks to the irritants hiding in those vents. 6:30 am came before we knew it, and I heard a little voice asking me “mommy are you awake?”

After seeing our GI doc, with a new prescription in hand to hopefully address the daily tummy pain she deals with, we headed to our next appt. The pulmonary function tests are now part of our visits, in the past they were only done once a year. Now they will be done every time we come down, so that the docs can have a better idea of her lung function and can see indicators of disease when her numbers drop thanks to sickness.

She talked the RT’s (respiratory therapists) ear off. She intently listened to each step he described to her. When mommy had to intervene to better explain his directions, he turned to me with a smile and said “wow, she responds really well to you, you know just what to say”. We walked away with glowing numbers and being told that “she is literally the most precious thing I have ever seen, really, the most precious thing”

LESSON LEARNED:
when God places His hand upon someone, you can’t deny that there is something special about them, it still amazes me, the way she draws people to her without even trying

The CF team was pleased with her weight and height. Daddy and I have been overly concerned about the thinning out we have seen, knowing how crucial weight is for her lung function. All to aware the docs were recently concerned about her lack of growth, which many CFers suffer from. We were told she grew almost an inch in 3 months. The RD decided she would look into her glucose levels, since Ezzy has been insatiably hungry, I can’t seem to feed her enough, but she only gained one pound in 3 months. CF related diabetes is not a question of IF but WHEN, so she said she would investigate, since her pancreas doesn’t work (thanks to CF) and the pancreas is what produces insulin.

The tears started to flow as she realized the impending throat culture was approaching. I made the mistake of being honest with her and for the last 24 hrs was asked almost every hour if she was going to have to have the stick down her throat. The time came and she melted into tears, the same tears she shed each time we saw a new person that day, because she thought the throat culture was going to happen. The RN got it done faster then I had ever seen and without missing a beat she wiped her tears and said “thank you”. She knows why we do them, she knows we are looking for bugs in her lungs, she knows they are trying to help her.

LESSON LEARNED:
She is our hero…we see the make-up of who she is was carefully knitting together in my womb, that we know she was fearfully and wonderfully made

After our 5 hours of appts ended, we went to find our friends who were being seen by their own team of specialist. Ezzy did not want to leave until she saw her friend was ok. We waiting in the recovery room with her mom until her friend woke up. As the anthesia wore off, Ezzy soon saw her friend was ok and climbed into her bed with her. They shared purple popsicles that they requested in unison when asked which color and I watched Ezzy tell her friend to be brave as the IV was removed from her friend’s hand.

LESSON LEARNED:
having a friend to go through tough days makes any scary thing bearable

I shared my frustration with my friend as the girls were scarfing down their Panda Express after spending their entire day at the hospital. I told her how Ezzy was a mess each time a new person came into the room, anticipating the scary BIG white stick that would soon scrape her throat. I explained that no countless explanations could calm Ezzy’s fears that dictated her thoughts for the last 24 hours. My friend gently and lovingly said, “Sarah, do you realize they are just babies, really, they are only four years old, they are still babies”…”they are being asked to handle a lot right now for their age”…”don’t ask her to handle more then she can”

Yeah, the lump in my throat soon became so large that it took an act of God to swallow it down…when I found the words I humbly said “yeah, you are right, thank you”

LESSON LEARNED:
When a friend speaks in TRUTH & LOVE, thank them

After just 4 hours of sleep we waited and waited for our scheduled taxi to get us…apparently a scheduled appt doesn’t mean much. It was during the waiting Ezzy decided to share with me her theological insight at 4:45 am.
“mom, do you know God loves us?”
“yes baby, He does”
“mom, He created this whole world for just us! He really loves us!”

Our taxi finally appeared after we both were nestled up sitting in the hotel lobby fighting off the sandman. I held back my choice words I had selected during the 45 mins I could have been sleeping, had I known my appt wasn’t going to be honored. Ezzy told the driver I was going to have a baby, he hesitated, holding back congratulations until I told him that the statement was in fact truth. We talked about what brought us to Seattle, how we have gotten to know the city like a second home. I found myself telling the driver that I knew God created Ezzy with the right stuff to handle the road she is on. The driver shared with me his views on the world, the sad direction is was going. Upon arrival to the airport we were instructed to safely get to the curb and not touch our bags. The gentleness from the drivers eyes was apparent as he grabbed each bag and brought them to us, he told us he was “blessed to meet us” and smiled before shaking my hand.

Thanks to spring break taking place in all of WA, we arrived with what seemed the entire population of Seattle trying to leave on AK Air. My heart sunk, I soon realized the delay in pickup was going to hurt us badly. As we weaved through the college students who didn’t look old enough to drive and got knocked over by the “city” people who don’t seem to acknowledge other life forms, we found a long line to stand in. The few hours of sleep the night before caught up to the 4 yr old who needed something to drink as well as a bathroom. She sprawled on the dirty floor, no words could get her up, it was a hopeless situation. I soon got out of her she wanted to “just get home”. I grabbed her hand, attempted to suck in my growing belly as I leaned down and quietly prayed that God would get us home. After another lengthy line through security, with people picking up her doll or bag for her as she would march off without it, we found ourselves lightly jogging through the airport in hopes of getting to our plane in time. By the grace of God we showed up when the last boarding call was taking place.

LESSON LEARNED:
If you allow your heart to start out the day thinking about your Creator, just like Ezzy did, then you find your heart leaning on him when things fall apart

The only reason we were on the worst flight home, was due to the fact daddy and cayden were running a race for Ezzy and we wanted to meet them at the finish line. In the past it has always been mommy and cayden rocking our “breathing for Ezzy” shirts, but dad decided after some “encouragement” from mommy to do it. I was sad we still didn’t make it to see them cross the finish line together, but atleast I had the chance of watching my husband who hasn’t been running, working out, or training, cross the finish line with a sub 9 min mile…yeah, you can dislike him with me…I had to train to get a sub minute mile! HE then shared with me that at one point he told himself to walk a short distance to catch a break. But then he realized “if I am going to tell her to face things, hard things, then I have no reason to stop when it gets hard for me”. He shared how he got kind of emotional as he crossed the finish line. I told him he finally got it, why I started running for her. Why I crossed the finish line in tears when I completed the 1/2 marathon.

LESSON LEARNED:
when you walk in someone else’s shoes, your judgement, preconceived notions, and unfair expectations disappear

We are home, a complete family and I am so thankful Richard suggested I take her one last time. I needed to spend sometime with a friend I don’t get to see too often, I needed to see my daughter’s courage and heart. She blessed me with plenty of times to smile, she found ways to still smile when deep down her fears were controlling her thoughts, and through it all she yet again showed me how much I need her.

I just recently ran into someone pregnant, we briefly chatted about how we were feeling and before I knew it I was mirroring her sentiments on carrying a growing life…you know…
“ugh, I’m SO over being fat”
“I am not one of those women who LOVE being pregnant”
“I’m SO ready to be done with it”

I walked away sad, frustrated, and totally upset with myself. Why did I let my mouth build up those statements and at one point agree with them?

I recently saw a video on facebook that brought me to tears, you know pregnancy tears. It was sweet, endearing, and everything my heart needed to respond to in order to look at these last 2 months, yes, LAST TWO months, and appreciate the gift God has for some reason given me again.

Time is flying, I many times don’t feel pregnant until nap time when I myself am screaming for my down comforter and a chance to reboot. Sure I have had some annoying pregnancy symptoms, been chewed out for my massive weight gain 3x at my OB apts and also had a very scary reaction to my 3 hr glucose test, but really, IF I had to be truthfully honest, then I need to admit, this time around, thanks to God’s plan, I’m feeling amazing.

Challenge me please, ask me how I am doing when you see me, with an all knowing smile that tells me that you are trying to help me focus and see the gift that is growing inside of me is just that a gift.

Since that dreaded day when I fell into my incessant need to be relational and not let the other person feel alone, I have since been stopping and trying to see the beauty of pregnancy, which has resulted in this letter that I wish someone would write to me, now, in my last 2 months of experiencing my body do something that many dream of.

Dear Pregnant mommy,

I see you, I know you, I can hear your heart seeping out with that look in your eyes as you waddle by the group of women burning calories in the zumba class.

YOU feel alone, YOU feel fat, YOU wonder “will I ever look like I did before my feet decided to swell so big that I needed to buy new shoes, but not cute shoes, practical shoes, because my feet can’t handle anything less”

That baggy sweater that you hope masks your growing body is your comfort, most likely from your husband’s closet, or worse bought when you snuck into the section of clothing that resembles the glaring TRUTH that nasty little scale decides to share with you. You have decided that you and the scale are no longer on speaking terms.

But wait, hold on, I have something to tell you!

YOU are beautiful! Really you are. Your hair is shiny and growing thick and luscious. Your nails no longer chip when you finally win the battle and get that stubborn sippy cup to give up its lid. Your face glows, yes, it might be a little fuller, but really it glows, so much that strangers will tell you this, if you just would put listening ears on!

Those stretch marks that make you want to burn EVERY single piece of lingerie or swimsuit, literally bring you to tears. I know, crazy right, you had NO idea what a sacrifice it would be to give up your body for someone else!

But did you know that those stretch marks across your belly show that you have done the first step in being a mommy, you have decided to sacrifice, to eat and listen to your body and make sure you are helping your little one grow! Don’t listen to the “skinny you” version that tells you to walk away from that slice of cake or screams at you when you decide to have your 4th snack of the day!

Did you know those stretch marks along your thighs are there to remind you of the time when that little life will finally enter the world and how much work you did to push that sweet baby out. You WILL one day look at those stretch marks on your hips and smile as you look at your child that is no longer a baby and in someways wish you could go back in time.

Slow down mommy, don’t spend your days wishing and hoping that your little one would hurry up. Really, SLOW DOWN. Grab a piece of candy, go lay down and watch the gymnastics take place. Find a shirt or dress that makes you feel sexy and rock it and bask in the fact you DON’T have to suck your belly in right now!!!!! Snuggle up with a book or an older child if you have one and take a guilt free light snooze in the afternoon.

Most of all, don’t think about the negatives, don’t fall into the trap of this world that wants everything NOW. Don’t read about the newest celebrity that is back to pre-baby weight by 6 wks postpartum…I have a secret for you (she starved herself and had a personal trainer screaming at her calling her fat). Instead, thank God for entrusting you to grow a tiny human, thank your spouse for the extra work he has picked up since those two little lines changed your lives, thank your children for fighting and running to see who first will crawl on their hands and knees to find your slippers under the couch each morning, and thank that sweet little baby for making you let go of things that DON’T matter.

Hold tight pregnant mommy, live in the now, because before you know it, your baby will be here and you will actually MISS being pregnant!

Walk with your head held high, don’t worry about the fact your thighs rub together now, smile when you see others and just for a second realize they are smiling at you and the gift of life growing in your belly 🙂 Rub your belly and talk to your sweet little bean and tell them how much you love them and want them to grow big and strong and to not hurry up, that you have plenty of time to wait until it’s time to hold them in your arms. Most of all mommy, remember, you have a gift, one that many women long for, don’t allow yourself to think that what you are going through isnt a blessing!

Sincerely,
pregnant mommy to my 4th baby:)