Ever done something and replayed it over and over in your head?  Regrets, take-backs, wishing for a time machine all soon haunt your mind.  Ever watched something happen that you didn’t take part in, yet find yourselves grieved, heavy hearted, suffering from a pit in your stomach?

Well, I am sitting with a pit in my stomach and have fought tears every-time I have thought about this situation…

Awe, social media, the place were so many people love it because they can blast their feelings and commit to them 100%, but can safely hit the delete button if they soon find themselves regretting their words.

I love social media, I believe that it is a powerful tool, my views have changed, I have picked up causes and decided to act on them, connect with friends and yes get to share my blog.  But it is something that can be a tool that creates grief, fights, incessant comparison, shame and anger.  Those latter things I try to avoid and never want to be a part of.

A little over a year ago, my husband and I decided to get a joint account.  There were multiple reasons.  I stick to it, it was a great decision for us.  Rarely do I run into second thinking the choice we made.  When I have to scroll through his trapping sites and  see dead animals that might be the moment I have second thoughts.

Then yesterday happened.

Please as you read this, know without a doubt that I believe, support and stand by my husband.  He is the leader of our household. I look to him when difficult decisions have to be made, I submit to him.  I am blessed that he is who my son is growing up to be like, who my daughters will judge character or men against.  His views 80ish% of the time match mine.  We I guess deliver them in a different way.

A post was shared, I had saw it earlier in the day, scrolled past it and knew I would neither like it or share it.  Why? because  it made me uncomfortable, it made me sad, it made everything that I am learning about restoration and redemption seem impossible.  Little did I know that I was going to find that post shared from my timeline…yay joint account, love you hubby

The “oh crap!” heart race followed with “no!” soon flooded my heart

Do I agree with the intent of the post? Yes.  But I have found over time that I haven’t had to stand on my soap box to be heard.  That people as they spend time around me personally, read my blog, read posts or watch me from afar, already have a good idea on where I stand on issues that are controversial in our society.  “in the same way let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly father” Matthew 5:16.  I have been described religious, churchy, bible thumping and one with high morals.  Eh, I can live with those thank you very much.  My point is that I don’t have to stand on the mountains and shout out my opinions, because the majority of you know deep down, you have an idea of my views, because I do try and live my life in surrender to my Heavenly father.

The post was made, I won’t share it here, because it in all honesty grieves my heart. I don’t know how we as Christians are suppose to respond to it.

Do we error on the side of “natural” or “science”

Do we error on the side of “love the sinner NOT the sin”

I don’t know.  All that I am for sure certain of is that when I am wrapped up in sin, the last thing that will turn me running to Christ is a shaking finger at me.  Instead it is the gentleness of the holy spirit speaking, leading, correcting me as I see that God is disciplining me because he loves me as his child. “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.  For the Lord disciplines those WHO HE LOVES and he punishes each one he accepts as HIS CHILD” Hebrews 12:6

In this day and age we see bumper signs that say “COEXIST” with symbols representing all religious organizations.  We are told that we are to be tolerant, accept everyone regardless if their views are different then ours.

Christians feel “persecuted”,  believe that we have a taste of what the persecuted Christians faced after Jesus Christ made his accession to his heavenly home.  You know something?  We have NO clue what persecution is here in the US.  Do we get grouped into the crazy Westborough Baptist Church that spews hate? yes, sometimes.  Do we get lumped with adulterous lying Christian figures that fall flat on their face after their secret is let out of the bag, leaving their famous massive family in the cross hairs.  Yes, sometimes.  Do we fear for our lives daily, running from town to town for our beliefs? No.

I will say that it is a delicate time in society for us Christians.  We, if we are living lives dedicated to “going into the world and preaching the Good News” then we desire to share this amazing thing we ourselves have experience: crazy, undeserved Grace

My heart as a mommy wants to weep when I hear the argument of “natural”.  Why?  Because for some crazy reason, I waited while I grew a child that came through a natural process and was born with a genetic disease.  Her conception, birth, disease and life are all “natural”.  Yet I could tell you that the thing she wishes more then anything, is that God hadn’t made her with CF.  She recently told me that she can’t wait to go to heaven, so she doesn’t have to do  her vest or take meds anymore.  What 5 yr old child longs for heaven?  She is carrying something she wishes she didn’t have.

Natural is a defense that I struggle with.

I have friends and know people who are living the lifestyle this post was opposing.  I actually know someone who lived the lifestyle for many years and after finding the TRUTH realized they couldn’t any longer.  They wished they were never born with the desire to live in their past lifestyle.  Where they miraculously healed from their life of sin? No, but they have and still surrender and ask God to help them when they feel the old sin rising up trying  to shackle them. 

To my fellow Christians out there.  Can I ask you to do something with me?  Will you start stepping back and thinking about the woman in John 8:7?  Will you fight the urge to promote our Christlike views to a level of self-righteousness? God wants us to be his ambassadors (2 corinthians 5:20).  Are we being asked to quiet our views and accept and promote the worlds? Yes.  The world gets to declare their views and we are to accept them, but they refuse to accept ours. Is it right? No.  Yet I believe God is still going to get his glory.  I believe as more of us get to a point of seeing sin and not allowing our self-righteousness to win, but instead see sin and our hearts are literally broken for the sinner, THAT is when a revival, a movement of our faith will sweep across the nation.  Isn’t that what we want?  Don’t we want to witness the day when “every knee shall bow and every tongue confess He is Lord”?  It can only happen if we ask God to show us how to love the sinner without elevating ourselves.

I am not perfect, I don’t know how to love the sinner.  But the few times that God has placed someone wrapped in sin at my door, through the power of God’s grace he has given me his Spirit to reach the person.  I don’t have the answers to this topic, I don’t know the proved and tried way, I only know that God will show me and you how to bridge it.

To my friends, acquittances or strangers that were offended by this post.  I am sorry.  I am sorry that my views and my husband’s views evoke those feelings within you.  I can’t and won’t change my views, it’s a conviction deep within my soul.  Yes, my husband and I both share this view, but if I had had the chance to sit with you, share it personally, with my bible, with my transparency I would have.  I would have told you my redemption story.  I know that if you were offended, that there probably is little to say to you to make it better, since we will most likely disagree.  Will I give up hope that you might see why God says this is a sin? No.  But I can promise I won’t sling the sin at you.

At the end of the day, my heart is heavy as a momma, who sees her child living a life she didn’t get to choose.  Yes, there is a mom out there wondering why their child is living this life.  There are family members who love their child, sister, brother, ex husband or wife wrapped up in this lifestyle.  My heart is heavy for the modern day Christian who loves the Lord God with all their heart but feels as though everything that matters in our lives is put on trial and has to be stepped on so that other’s world views can be elevated, remember John 15:18-20.  My heart is heavy for the person who is living this lifestyle, that saw the words that pierced their hearts and brought anger or shame.  To you, the person that got offended will you please know that what was shared is something that I support, but wish that it was said differently.  But that is only because I try and live my life using the Word of God.  BTW that very book has labeled me a sinner too.  I have lied, cheated, gossiped, judged, not kept the sabbath holy, had other gods before him, caused dissension, had unwholesome thoughts and promoted myself to a place of elevation.

You know how I wake up everyday?  Thankful that his mercies are new, that his grace is sufficient for me and that I am a child of God.  I wake up knowing that my Redeemer lives.  I wake up knowing that the shackles of sin are broken because I have a victor fighting to keep me spotless until the day I stand and meet him face to face.  Guess what, he is your victor too.

“He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant.  This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit.   The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life” 2 Corinthians 3:6

Some how the school year is upon us, am I right?!?  The last few weeks I have seen FB flooded with happy, stressed, ecstatic and nervous parents posting pics of their little ones entering an environment that takes them out of their safe little bubbles at home.

I am embracing this season.  I don’t know how I was able to sleep the night before school.  Here I was getting ready to send out into the world 3 little souls that have chipped away at this stubborn soul.  The day before school I was found gathering the remnants left over from all the other well-prepared parents down the isle of the school supplies at Wal-mart.  Personally, I kind of liked the way it turned out, less options means less time having your child agonize over things.  We packed their back-packs that night, unable to fit all the required things on the school supply list and went to bed.  BTW those school supply lists can be a little crazy?  Right?  I was torn at some of the required things, but the things like soap, germx, tissues, lysol wipes, etc…you had better believe that my kid’s were sent with more then the recommendation. 

So far school has been going on for 3 weeks and we finally have a system down.  It requires for both Richard and I to do our parts and I can say as each day passes we become like a well oil machine, rather then the frantic parents standing outside our porch, laying hands over our babies as we had just a few minutes to spare and say a prayer before school started.  That first morning there might  have been a few mumbles from the parents about the difficulty of getting 3 kids moving early in the day, but we quickly got over it. 
 Unlike last year, I wasn’t plagued with the debilitating fear that I had in regards to Ezzy.  Even though we did end up having to readjust all the the end of the school year events and spring gala for ballet thanks to Ezzy’s unexpected hospitalization.  I wasn’t walking with fear hanging over my head.  Was it thanks to the fact that with each battle we get a little stronger? Maybe.  Was it thanks to the fact that God was giving me peace, meeting my need before I was running to him and begging him for it?  Um, yes…

This is my season right now.  I am watching God unfold his relentless love for me, thanks to my amazing Bible study group.  I say relentless because he is pursuing me and meeting me and providing in ways that show me that he knows my needs, my heart and how to reach me, before I find myself needing to go to him, Amen!

It is crazy to have a steadfast faith right now with my “fragile” child and yet I do.  I was informed that so many extra measures, that we didn’t ask for in her 504 plan are being taken and in-acted with a seriousness that leaves people doing it with care and not frustration.  I have parents changing party locations to CF friendly places, sending out request to not bring sick kids, because they want Ezzy to be able to attend.  I have parents texting me when they see their child under the weather, so we can decide if it is worth the risk.  
Today was the icing on the cake.  It was a normal school morning.  Having to ask each child atleast 5x to do something, grumbles about the breakfast menu, discussions on the attire selected by said children, threatening punishments for the obnoxious older brother and a snuggly baby that just wanted momma…

I always hug Ezzy when I drop her off.  Not just because her arms fling wide open and she has the biggest smile on her face, but because my soul needs it.  I need her to go with the affirmation that I will hold her tight, tell her I love her and say “have a great day baby”.  I need to claim joy for us parting, joy for her growing up, joy for her living and thriving outside of my care and joy for the road we are on.

When we hug, I breathe her in.  I squeeze her just enough where she has to exhale all her air and tap me out in a sense.  Why?  Because I need her to know that I want her safe in my arms, but that I trust God enough to hold her close and choose to daily let go let him do his job.

Well back to today, sorry for my tangent.  Today we parted, said goodbye and I watched her run to her line like every morning.  My super competitive child craves to be first in line, will settle for second or third, but won’t be happy about it.  Well, first was taken so she bolted for second before anyone else claimed it.  Right when she was less then 5 ft away the child in front let out a horrendous cough.  All the air around me sucked in tight and I froze.  She froze.  Our minds flooded with thoughts, our feet stayed grounded.  My heart said run, move her away.  My feet stayed.  Then that sweet brave little face turned, looked up the hill and yelled “mom!”  She quickly motioned to me through hand gestures that the child was coughing.  I motioned to move to the end of the line.  Her shoulders sank, she turned, head hanging a little low and found her despised spot in line.  When she looked up she didn’t see her momma with tears on her face thank the Lord, but saw my thumbs up and a big smile to reassure her bravery.  Her head lifted, she nodded and gave me a thumbs up back.   https://instagram.com/p/7nFsspi6vF/

Folks, this morning sucked in less then 1 minute.  But in less then 5 minutes God was already taking care of the unexpected.  He has proven to us that He created her to handle this journey with his help, she will never walk it alone.  But as we learn to let go, loosen the reigns we get a chance to see that he is creating in her a spirit that is strong, courageous, not timid.  Even though she may have cried at every shot she had to get for school, she met it with more strength then most children. 
 I have been met by a few tender hearts that have asked me with a perplexed look on their faces of “how is ezzy?”  “she is in school right?” “how are you?” “we haven’t read anything lately”.  I think that last year my mental state of school might of prepped people for another unstable momma.

Ezzy is in full-time school, away from me all day.  Its strange, its crazy how much peace I have and how the moments are filled with God’s relentless love for me as I continue to trust that He will take care of her.  I will say that with hearing the coughing child and knowing the kids are starting to drop like flies in her class that I am getting nervous.  I am not scared, just nervous, not ready to see a sick Ezzy again after her last bout of sickness.  So I am asking that all of you who love to pray for this special child, that you will amp up your prayers.  Ask that God will keep her from harm, she will continue to advocate for herself and that she will be seen as a gift to all the people who are going above and beyond to care for her at school.  I will leave you with this prescious picture of her brother holding her close as he escorts her safely across the street. Is not the pure joy on her face infections? 
 

We just got back from the old house…

The silly silly silly woman inside of me found myself shedding some tears as Richard and I picked up the remaining few items left in the house that sheltered our little big family for the last 6 yrs.

I looked out through the living-room windows, watched the trees sway, the late summer night sky begin to tuck itself into bed and breathed in one of the last moments I would find myself ever doing within those four walls.

6 yrs is a blip for few, 6 yrs is an eternity for some, 6 yrs seems like forever wrapped in seconds for the Harney family.

When we first found ourselves in the tiny little 950 sq foot home, we felt like the storehouse had been opened and poured out onto our family.  The news that a new little soul would be coming our way made the thought of bringing a baby home in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment with an almost 2 yr old, 2 big dogs and a cat sound impossible.  The house was happen chance to most who heard how we found it, especially when the cost of rent was mentioned, but to us it was God’s providence.

The tiny home that held the Harney family saw 3 little souls be brought home too.  1st birthdays, 1st day of school and many other precious memories flooded our hearts as we said goodbye tonight.

I held richard in my arms, allowed the salty warm tears wet his black shirt as we remembered bringing fragile tiny Ezzy home from children’s Hospital for the first time, watching Cayden stay up with the video monitor, until 11 pm reading books at 21 months old, experiencing Kyre self potty training at 2 yrs old and Ya’el running through the home at 10 months old.

All those life moments, the ones that can consume your existence and leave you feeling like sleep never happens, yet seem like time has stood still occurred in that house.

Tonight I sit at our kitchen table after an insanely busy week of picking up the pieces a family of 6 leave and finding new ground to imprint into while trying to keep a heavenly perspective has left this wife and momma worn out.

We witnessed three different representations of the body of Christ tenderly and joyfully serve as our family uprooted to our new destination.  Our expectations were met and doubled by God’s mighty provision.  There were grandparents, parents, teenagers, children, girlfriends and friends hauling boxes up and down stairs.  Thoughtful hearts scrubbed the bathrooms and pulled up the staples left over from carpet that had been drug out, all done without the need of being asked.  A warm dinner was delivered just at the moment when Richard and I could have very well collapsed from lack of food and water.  No detail was unseen, Christ’s bride was shinning and doing what it does best…you know the best part?!? It wasn’t done for their glory, but for his.

This whole process has been ordained and cared for by the one we have asked to guard and guide our family’s steps.  Finding a home, fairly priced, without need for a construction zone has been impossible.  The two other homes we were in contract with were homes we had settled with, with an amount of unrest that would have later eaten us up.  Just when we had decided the search was over, this home fell into our laps.

We looked, we allowed our souls to yet again dream, we placed an offer, an agreement was made and soon we realized it just might happen.

After the inspection took place, the shiny peace that came in a package of hope soon became tainted.  It seemed that it would never happen.  Then God sent a contractor our way that wouldn’t stand in the way of God’s plan of being Jehovah Jireh to the Harneys.  The list of demands that needed to be meet were hammered out, figuratively and even when a final inspection that was moved up, God had every single step laid out.  Christ’s bride yet again was there being his hands and feet in the form of: heavy machinery, rock, doors, piping, tools and labor. 

I woke the morning of my 31st birthday with a date set for 9:30 am and my famous signature needed for countless forms.

Without a doubt I knew what had to happen before we set a single foot inside the walls that we would call ours.  God told me, the house that would shelter our family for years to come had to be given over and dedicated to him.

After letting Richard know what God had impressed upon my heart, the plans were set in motion.  

August 14, 2015 the STAC worship team, their precious families and leadership were asked to come for a night of worship.

We had stopped by the home once before and I left feeling turmoil, doubt, anxiousness and unrest.  Something had to be done before we would could call it ours.  God told us exactly what  to do to change that.

After songs were sung, welcoming the holy spirt, claiming God’s power, worshipping his name and surrendering to his sovereignty took place, the word of God echoed off the walls of the home that would be filled with our family’s lives.  1 Samuel 27, Psalm 91 and other verses were read.  The street was filled with the sweet sound of voices young and old offering up a sacrifice to our one true King.  Lives were changed, faith was inacted, forces were defeated.  As our family was surrounded, hands laid upon our shoulders and back, giggles from little souls muffled, it became apparent to be what God had done.  Peace, indescribably peace filled our hearts and has yet to uproot itself.

God had shielded our hearts, blinded us, secured our hearts in him for the last 6 yrs.

Why do I say this?

I say this because we now live in a home that is more then our hearts could ask for.  A home that will allow 4 busy kids to grow in, a home that is continually showing us that God was searching and better yet knowing and responding to the inner parts of our souls.

If there is anything you get from this, please know that God isn’t a genie or Santa or Dear Abby.  He doesn’t look at your amazon wish list and start knocking through the list.  He doesn’t hand things over just because you want them.

Our family has patiently waited and to be completely honest, struggled with his timing.  Yet I still remained content in the home we lived in for  6 yrs.  Keeping my eyes on my own paper as my pastor’s wife says.  

Our pastor in Phoenix gave an amazing sermon one Sunday that has stuck with me since that very Sunday morning.  God will meet your NEEDS not your greeds.

Tonight after tucking our babies into their beds after a much needed date night, THANK YOU kendra and kevin, I am resting in the plan God was writing well before I knew we would need it.

Because 6 yrs ago I found myself standing in a 950  sq ft home overwhelmed by his provision to yet again find myself years later in a new home in awe of his providence.

We look forward to welcoming any of you into our home!

 Just call, text, message or email, we are more then happy to share this new chapter with you all.

I was making homemade pizza dough, standing in the small little corner of my kitchen and all of a sudden I had a memory that seemed like it was just yesterday.  His voice was clear as day, I allowed myself to get lost in one of the many conversations we had that changed me.  Our talks were never brief, Richard knew if I told him who was calling to not expect to see me for at least 30 minutes.  I soon snapped out of it, found myself staring at the mixing blade swirling, waiting for my ingredients to give it purpose, while the tears started to blur my vision…

Grief is frustrating and a weird dance we all experience in life.  It sneaks up on you when you least expect it to.  Well atleast for me, the person who will internalize it, put it on the back burner and ignore it until it explodes with a furry.

It was just a few weeks ago, I was finishing up a run on the track getting ready for my second race of the summer when I was listening to a song and talking with God that I all of a sudden felt my breathing speed and my shoulders want to shake with the sorrow I had tucked away.  Thankfully it started to ran, the two little girls were alseep in the stroller and I had a moment all by myself, well, not by myself, but on my own without human eyes watching me.

I am currently in a bible study that is going over the book of James.  There is a well known scripture verse in this book, the one that says to “count it all joy when trials come”.  It is interesting how the Word of God is the same yet each time I read a scripture, new revelations come forth.  I was stuck on verse 8, “God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation.  Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him”.  Crown of life…hmmm

This Sunday my friend, brother in Christ, mentor, discipler, elder, spiritual father is celebrating his birthday in Heaven…Heaven.  The place my soul longs for deep within, yet my heart and mind struggle to comprehend its vastness.

My mind has been dwelling on the concept of the “crown”.  It is promised to us, it is given to us “victors” as 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 says.  Grab your bible, check out these verse, if you don’t have one, use the internet.

Ken and I spent some time talking about the crown.  We sang songs about it in our church, the symbol speaks to those of us who acknowledge the kingdom seed and gives us hope as we toil here on earth.  Yet I will be the first to admit that I can have deep convictions that rattle my soul and shake me and spur me to do things that require a faith that can move mountains and then I will get lazy, put my armor on halfway or not at all and find myself in need of Savior to hear my repentance.

If we keep our eyes on the champion who perfects our faith as Hebrews 11 says, then how would we wake each day?  Ken never let a moment pass and fade never to return.  His convictions were worn on his heart and practiced out daily.  Leaving me many times annoyed that I was having to be “talked to again” thanks to my stubborn spirit.

The absence of someone who impacted your life is one that can be filled up, disguised as full and not lacking if you’re not careful.  Finding a balance between grief, denial, joy, anger and hope is a road I think most of us don’t want to experience.

Because I am a visual person, I have been using the scriptures to paint a picture for my heart to cope with.  One that talks about receiving our crown of life that James talks about or one that talks about worshipping our maker day and night as it says in Revelations 4 & 5.  Even though I have God’s word to turn to I still am struggling with my human instinct that runs to doubt.  If we are honest, don’t we all wonder about the validity of Heaven?

I wonder as he is in God’s throne room where there is a glow of emerald circling it (rev. 4:3) surrounded by the elders all clothed in white with crowns on their heads (rev.4:4) with lighting and thunder flashing and rumbling (rev 4:5) flooded with the voices of every living being singing “day after day and night after night: holy holy holy is that Lord God Almighty…You are worthy” (rev 4:8,11)…does he think about his time here on earth?  The mere blip in eternity for him and everyone else that has ran the race.

I find comfort when I think about the promises we find in God’s Word.  I believe that is why I have found so much conviction to daily be in it.  I am broken, make mistakes, get haunted by regrets and find that toiling here on earth can be a real pain.  God’s Word grounds me, gives me hope, restores the vision I need to cross the finish line.

Even though it has been a short 4 months of his last day on earth it still feels like he is on an extended vacation.  I hold onto things that my heart is chewing on, the good, the bad, the confusing things.  I haven’t found a mentor yet to sit and talk with about these things.  I finished strong at my last race and wanted desperately to call him and tell him all about the experience.  I have had some victories that he walked along side with me when I was struggling, pleading for me to lay my sword down and see the situation with kingdom eyes.

Grief, something we all wish we didn’t have to go through I am finding is a necessary evil.  It refines us, if we allow God to hold onto something we don’t want, yet fight to relinquish.  It has the power to strip you of the walls you build, to find yourself vulnerable to the deep soul work that God so desperately wants to do as the master gardner who has planted the kingdom seed within you.  God never relents, his love is relentless.

This week I have had two songs on my heart.  One I am almost certain most people could say they have heard it atleast once in their lives, probably at a funeral or if you are raised in church, sung during a church service.  It is called “It Is Well With My Soul”.

“and Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight

the clouds be rolled back as a scroll

the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend

Even so it is well with my soul”

I am trying to say it is well with my soul, even though I don’t understand why.   Instead I have been asking God to restore my faith and vision.  We are singing a song in church tomorrow that some of you may know, it is one that gives my wavering hope a place to rest in.  It is called “Be Thou My Vision”.  I find when I listen to it, the picture of the crown of life becomes clearer and protected by human doubt.  It also makes that longing for our forever home to be brought to the surface and no longer squashed.  I have attached it below, hope that it speaks to your heart as it has to mine.

http://youtu.be/CGbNDf32RCs

“So I run with purpose in every step” 1 Corinthians 9:26  Happy birthday my dear friend

I have so so so much to write about, you know me, love to capture the special moments, the changes in our lives and events that shape and mold our precious little family.  But as I sat down to write after unpacking half of our things I realized the direction of this blog is already being refined by the one who I am leaning on to guide all my wonderings of life.

Am I grateful to be back to the rock?…um…if I have to be transparent…no…

It’s not that I dislike the constant rain, walmart being the only place to shop, the ridiculous rise in grocery prices or the fact that there is little to do with your kids here, but it is the fact that I have struggled for a long time wondering if Ketchikan is our forever home.  If our family is being called to live somewhere else and we are missing the signs.

Peace to call Ketchikan home is a tug and pull that I experience every-time I live life outside of the limitations of the salmon capital of Alaska.

I grumbled with God quite a few times on our Seattle trip.  As the constant curve balls kept coming and also when I saw pure joy on my children’s faces or I myself felt the rigidness of our confinement Ketchikan brings start to lose its grip with each day away from the rock.  We were beyond excited for this trip, we gave Ketch a big “peace out” as we boarded the plane that was being hailed with our liquid sunshine.  Thankfully a very sweet friend came and grabbed us, stuffed her call full of all our luggage and necessities a family of 6 would need for two wks and drove us over avoiding the wonderful weather.  If you had asked us, we were pretty jazzed to leave, we couldn’t wait to take a break from responsibilities.  The trip started out with love offerings showing up a day or hours before we left.  People wanting to make sure we did fun things in-between Ezzy’s big surgery and all the doctors appointments.  With such a great send off, we didn’t expect to be challenged to keep peace within our hearts and cling to the joy that we had.

Our first day of travel consisted of our little man running a sudden fever and telling us his throat hurt.  It was so bad that he fell asleep sitting up outside of baggage claim as Richard tried very hard to keep his calm when we were informed our rental van reservation was moved to another company that was based out of downtown with no shuttle service.  It was a nightmare.  We apparently flew down the same weekend of UofW graduations as well as the other smaller private universities and also the U.S. open, oh yeah and the Rock and Roll 1/2 and full marathon.  There was no back up option.  So as we split to say goodbye, me with the sick fever stricken boy and nursing baby, Richard headed off with the 2 big girls in a taxi the other direction.  I needed water, badly, Ya’el had nursed non stop and I was stuck outside with all our luggage.  I begged Cayden to be a big man and let me run inside, yes run, because the vending machine I saw was a distance away.  He agreed with tears on the edge of his eyes.  I ran with the baby strapped to my back.  Just as luck would have the machine was broken and wouldn’t take my paper money.  Either the older gentleman behind me fell in love with my little bambino on my back or saw the frustration and desperation and stepped in and bought me water with his plastic money.  I smiled, thanked him and shouted why I was running the other direction, he smiled nodded his head and waved me on.

The rental van situation got even better when the husband and starving overheated girls showed up explaining we were in possession of a H.U.G.E. van.  Yup, the Harney’s were now driving around Seattle in a 12 passenger van. Not ideal

Even though our first hours in Seattle started with the realization we had a very sick little boy and a gas gussling vehicle we shrugged it off and told ourselves we were still blessed.  The holy spirit was faithful to keep our eyes on what mattered.

Antibiotics were soon prescribed to our little man and we prayed out of faith that was being taunted by fear that Ezzy would soon be sick and unable to do surgery.

Ezzy’s preop appointment went well and we managed to have enough time to stop by the expo put on by the 1/2 marathon I was running in 12 hours.  I am still in awe of the care they provided for all the participants.  I received a free chiropractic adjustment, my sore ankle was set in place,  deep tissue massage around my “runner’s knee” and kinesio tape on my tight Achilles and tender soon to be planter fasciitis.  So if you haven’t figured out from my list of aliments, training is intense and requires dedication and the ability to just keep moving.  I was nursing these lovely battle wounds with constant observation and awareness making sure I wasn’t going to do long term damage.  I left the expo feeling amazing but also thankful we had a huge van even though it made us look like the duggars as each kid filed out as we got to each destination.

That van ended up being a blessing the morning of the race, since we had to be there a minimum of 1.5 hrs before the race due to freeway closures.  The kids had a row to themselves to spread out and sleep or watch something on their ipad as mommy and all the other racers readied themselves for the moment we had all been pushing our bodies for.  I am going to write about the race in a future post. Lots of things happened, revelations, healing in a sense.

The day before surgery happened to be a Sunday.  Richard and I were determined to find a house of worship.  With a little research, little man and I found and C&MA church close by and we set out with excitement to be participants in a fellow sister church.  We were met with such hospitality and genuine love it took us back by surprise.  Everyone was enamored with our “large” family and had to come and meet us.  Worship was amazing, Richard and I were lost in it, the kids were in their best behavior mode.  We were fed immensely as the Word was delivered.  After the service ended we were approached and asked if we needed any help, meals, prayers, anything after they learned why we were in Seattle.  We were handed contact info if we needed someone to call.  Talk about being the bride of Christ.  North Seattle Alliance Church, you have a place in our hearts and we look forward to future fellowship with you!

With some restored hope that God was in the details we searched for some fun before surgery.  With less then 12 hours to spare we noticed a rash on Ezzy.  We wondered if it was contact dermititis from something on the trip, was it scarlet fever from brother sharing his strep throat?  After speaking with the oncall doctor we were told to still show up the next morning and a plan would be made.  Fear set in…frustrating how I let that take up residence so quickly

 Prayer as a family took place, we did what we know to do…

The next morning came with the fact that Ezzy got worse and was now covered in a rash from her chin down to her toes, stretching to her finger tips.  With reluctance we braced ourselves for the inevitable.  After being examined by infectious disease, a resident, two doctors, various nurses.  The 3 hour wait Ezzy and I exerienced in a small little room came to an end.  If I hadn’t found a moment to be humbled yet, it came when Ezzy asked me to pray with her.  We prayed holding each other, asked God to help the doctors make a decision and for us to be brave, to be OK with the decision.  The talk of bravery came a few hours before as we were driving to the hospital for surgery.  Out of no where we heard weeping that soon turned to sobbing as our brave little warrior finally let her walls down.  In-between the sobs she was able to articulate “I…dont…want…surgery”.  Our hearts sank, Richard and I realized we had been processing everything with each other, leaving her out of the equation.  Horrible parents…we had failed her

After quickly calling out to God, I found the words come out of my mouth with an awareness that I was not leaning on my own understandings, the Holy spirit came and was meeting the 6 souls that were driving on I-5 south.  Especially the terrified little girl being asking to be brave beyond her limits.

My little warrior asked after we prayed in the small pre-op room if we could sing “king is Among us” her absolute favorite worship song.  You know you are a ministry kid when your favorite songs are about “fire falling” or “shekinah glory”.

Ezzy came out of surgery in an immense level of pain.  I felt helpless, I watched them administer two rounds of morphine.  The alligator tears weren’t fading.  We couldn’t have Candy in the post-op area since there were so many other kids.  I reached for my phone and opened up the app that contains 1000+ pics…I know, it drives Richard insane how many pics I have.  She laid there, looking through the pics, allowed another round of morphine kick in and soon was sharing the photos of her family with her two nurses.  My battery was drained in those 30 minutes, but was such a blessing.  See Richard, I DO need all those pics!  Richard was equipped with enough patience to handle the nursing baby, the now fever stricken 3 yr old and the recovering brother the entire surgery day.  We do not doubt it was because so many specific prayers were going up on our family’s behalf.

After finally being cleared to go home and not being admitted like was planned, we headed to the hotel to rest.  We had been prepared for the bleeding, the need to be still and rest.  We however were not prepared for the level of pain she would experience.

Our always hungry, great eater of a child soon disappeared before our eyes. It is really hard taking care of a child that needs a specific diet in a hotel.  Thanks again to some giving hearts we were able to go and stock up on all her special foods while still being able to feed the rest of our family.  So, if you don’t live in a large family, then in might be hard to understand.  But our family’s biggest expense is FOOD.  Not clothes, toiletries, etc, but food.  It costs around $60 dollars to feed our family at restaurant and that is norm.  Even if we share plates, or order appetizers, or do kid meals, no drinks of course.  Those of you who wanted to help, I need to tell you, you DID.

Kyre was seen by the ENT and it was determined after her hearing test that she has “robot ears”.  She hears some sounds that most people have a hard time hearing…so yes, we just have an obstinate child.  An X-ray of her head also took place, revealing her adenoids are just as enlarged as Ezzy’s were.  It was decided she is going to start a month of antibiotic nasal spray to address the bacteria that hasn’t been responding well to oral antibiotics. Kyre will also have a daily steroid spray.  They did discuss surgery, but we told them we would discuss that in a few months.  A dairy free diet was encouraged to continue since we did see some positive changes.  We were blessed by the efficiency that was given towards a plan of care for our kiddo. Ezzy was so kind to her little sister that was thrown into an unknown situation.  There was no jealousy that Kyre was now having the intention.  Instead, just contentment that Ezzy was no longer the odd one at.  It hit me that she needed to walk along side Kyre when I overheard her say “look Kyre, we match” as they both sported their hospital ID bracelets.

We were able to reschedule an appointment allowing us to have two days in a row with no hospital visits.  The zoo was on the agenda for the first day per the orders of some friends that wanted the kids to go see all the animals.

 They had a blast!  The penguins stole the show at the zoo.

 The next day we went to the aquarium thanks to some hearts that wanted our kids to have some more fun!  A souvenir shirt was what the kids requested from their day of exploring and we were so thankful to be able to provide them the chance to do this!  We saved their christmas money knowing we were going to be traveling for surgery.

After exploring the life in our vast oceans, we took the kids to Pike Place market and were stopped almost every few feet by people wanting to see this cute little girl holding the “smallest dog ever seen”.  Candy provided opportunities for us to share our faith as we explained ezzys need of a therapy dog.  The kids picked out their own fresh cherries and we took them on a few mile walk to the big splash pad we saw the day of my race.  It was just what we needed after spending the last 4 hrs walking through the aquarium, market and streets of Seattle.  We didn’t care if we were the ONLY adults running through the water with the kids.

 It was such a special memory I will hold as Ezzy asked me to run with her through the water.  I have to fight my practical serious side a lot when raising my babies.  When it comes to Ezzy especially, I need to lay aside my silly notions and just LIVE. I don’t want a single regret with her

After 6 hrs of hauling the kids around, we headed back to hotel and was met by an old friend.

 She showed up with fresh, whole food type of meals.  After a week of heavily processed foods or eating at restaurants the Harney tummies needed a big break.  My friend was so thoughtful and kind to think about what we would need.  After a few hours of catching up and being always reminded why she is in my life, we said our goodbyes and knew that the next time we would see each other we would pick up where we left off.  She stocked our mini fridge full of meals and also assured us that every need of ours was being tenderly cared for by our abba father.

Kyre and I sadly got hit with a tummy bug and spent most of Saturday wishing we could be put out of our misery.  After asking for some prayer, we woke the next day on the mend and ready to go back to the church we had visited last week.  I was so concerned my tired kids from traveling would not cooperate.  They colored, loudly, it seemed to me.  I was caught off guard when someone turned around and looked at them…oh great…they are bothering people.  Soon a little note was passed to Cayden, he read it, smiled at the giver and he went back to drawing his picture.

 If you folks every find yourselves in north Seattle on a Sunday, you should visit this church!  They really believe, follow and practice their mission. After talking with some families and exchanging info for the next time we find ourselves in need of fellowship, we entered into a God designed conversation with the worship leader.  Richard had started talking with him while I talked with some other people.  After we were introduced we had one of the most intense, honest, transparent, uplifting conversation about the call to ministry.  I am still so thankful the worship leader took time to minister to me, someone just passing through his congregation.  We exchanged info, Richard and I thanked him for his heart and encouragement and we left feeling like we were leaving pieces of our hearts with this hidden gem in Seattle.

Thanks to my husband’s desire to always explore and try new things, unlike his boring wife who likes familiarity and routine.  We spent the next few days visiting splash pads, parks, playgrounds and interesting routes all over Seattle.

 We laughed, talked, shared our hearts as we had each others undivided attention during impromptu naps while driving.  By the way, all you city life parents…we judged you.  We are S.O.R.R.Y. It was hard to understand why we would see families just arriving for dinner when we were leaving stuffed and heading back to the hotel for bed.  By the end of this trip, we totally understood why.  Our average dinner time was taking place around 7/7:30.

 Thanks to the adventures we would go on and then needing to drive a distance to get dinner.  That I have to admit, I won’t miss.  I prefer eating dinner quite a few hours before bedtime, not just an hour or so.

Our last full day in Seattle was spent at the hospital, Ezzy was sick, we knew it and quite frankly we were relieved she was going to be seen by her team of specialists.  We were informed after her vitals were taken she lost weight, never a good thing.  After her lung function test it was apparent her lung function also went down as well.  Ezzy is starting a month of antibiotics to try and kick this nasty cough.  It is a bad one too, she is having coughing fits that stop her cold in her tracks as she coughs up thick gunk.  I honestly haven’t seen a cough this bad.  Ezzy the warrior could use lots of prayer right now.

The tests that needed to happen for Kyre didn’t happen so she is going to be going back down for a follow up with the ENT in sept and going to get her testing done then.

We arrived last night and were met by two dear friends who decided to leave work early for us and  help us caravan our stuff home.  Another friend showed up shortly after with a fresh homemade dairy free dinner.  As we walked through our home, opened the fridge and read the note on our table surrounded by groceries, we realized we had been taken care of yet again.  Our home had been cleaned, dirty laundry that was left was now folded and groceries were left to try and make our transition back home better.

Do you know what a hedge of protection is? I heard the term growing up in a ministry family.  It wasn’t something I fully understood until I witnessed it in my teen years when I could comprehend the supernatural things that had taken place.  Well, it is a term that now something Richard and I talk about a lot these days.  I only wrote on a few of the bigger moments on this trip that were undeniably orchestrated by our Maker.  I don’t want to down play what happened for our family.  God took great strides to show me that we are loved and seen.  He also wanted us to know that every step of the way, he had already gone ahead and taken care of us.  We started our days out together in prayer as a family and we asked for his presence to be with us.  We ended our days thanking him for taking care of us.  As we took the kids to do things that are very costly we shared with them how people who know us wanted to bless us and provide ways for us to do fun things as a family.

 This trip provided a chance for Cayden and I to discuss what it meant to love the “least of these” as he witnessed homelessness for the first time in his life.  His eyes and tender heart were exposed to sick kids and children who are trapped in an outer shell that leaves them completely dependent on their caretakers 24/7.  Through it all, relying on the Holy spirit to help me navigate through conversations that mold his empathy was a critical.  How Cayden processed the many people that were different from him due to choices, pain, God’s design or the unknown is something I hope and pray God filtered them for him.

We are home, accepting this is where God wants us to be and trusting his plan.  Ezzy definitely could use lots of prayers for healing.  She is going down hill.  We lost her prescription, but thankfully just found it this evening. So tomorrow we will start her antibiotics.  She is tired and is in pain from coughing since her throat is still very tender from surgery.  Again I am resting in his promise that he holds her every breath.  To trust in his hedge of protection.

We have been on the countdown for the last week now.  If you have spent your entire life on a small island with 30 miles of paved road then you can understand why leaving on a jet plane is so appealing.  Even though our soon to be trip isn’t one that rooted from a spontaneous dream to live life in the real world, we are trying to take lemons and make some strawberry lemonade, haha

The first mention of this trip happened in January of this year.  The fact that it would require a two week duration is the reason why we are just now acting on the conversation that took place so many months ago.  Since Ya’el still takes 80% of her nourishment from me, made the situation even harder.  Richard was floored when he was informed the trip required so many days of the PTO that we tend to hold on to for emergencies.  The very type of emergencies that warranted a 10 day hospital stay last month.  We rarely get to cash in PTO and rarely is it ever used for FUN, primarily it all belongs to CF…

So, yes our trip is yet another medical trip, but this time Ezzy gets the pleasure of being accompanied by ALL her family

and not just mean old dad as she says.

 To say she was excited couldn’t even cover what her little heart was wanting to emote.  Ezzy has spent these stressful trips for the last 5.5 years with just one parent typically.  Leaving no one to play with, watch cartoons with and laugh and just have a buddy or two in an environment filled with adults.  

Kyre is actually going to be seen by some specialists as well. Unfortunately being a carrier of the CF gene mutation has a negative impact as well.  After the last year and a bit of chronic ear and sinus infections, Kyre is going to be seen by the ENT at children’s as well as our CF team.  As research and knowledge is gained in the world of CF, it is becoming apparent and slowly accepted that some siblings that carry one CF mutated gene actually have chronic health issues similar to their siblings that carry two mutated CF genes (in case you haven’t figured it out, CF is a recessive disease, which means you have to have two copies of the mutated gene to produce CF). This is a new battle and chapter of CF for us, we are staying calm and not running to the what if game, but instead thankful that we already have a great relationship with Children’s and IF Kyre ends up needing consistent care, atleast we have an idea of how to handle it.

Our weeks are going to be spent going to Children’s hospital almost every other day due to the many appointments that Ezzy and Kyre have.  Ezzy will be having surgery on the 15th.  It is routine for many kids, but for her, it brings about more risks and also has to be monitored by her CF team.  After the results of the sleep study it was evident that surgery has to take place.  Painful is the term they used to describe watching Ezzy try to sleep.
 Apparently it is really bad when you stop breathing multiple times through out the night…The stress and long term damage that can take place on the lungs as well as the brain when sleep apnea is left untreated out weight the risk for our CFer.  We can’t fly for 1-2 weeks after surgery, since Ezzy’s risk of hemorrhaging is so high.  She has to lay low, no running, jumping, exuding unnecessary strain on the body is off limits.  Anytime anything is introduced in a CFers airway, it poses a risk of new bacteria making its home in the warm sticky environment found in Ezzy’s CF lungs.  Extreme caution will be taken and lots of prayer and trust that the awesome God bubble Ezzy has been in is what is holding her parents together.

Ezzy recently told me that she just wants to get this surgery over with. We have talked alot about what they are going to do.  Ezzy is just like her momma, needs plenty of time to process and chances to ask pesky questions and address fears that haunt the unknown.  I wish I could get inside her head and know that I am helping her cope with thisupcoming event.

 All I know is that I am extremely blessed that somehow everything aligned and we can all embark on this together.  I hope that we can all provide much needed distraction as we wait for surgery and then recover.

While we are down there I am going to run my second 1/2 marathon this summer. I am nervous as all get out.  Frustrated that my PR from my first 1/2 won’t be beat, but am trying to cling to some much needed truth a fellow competitive athlete shared with me as we talked at a church function, thank you friend!  I will be running in the Seattle Rock N Roll 1/2 marathon this saturday.  My ever supportive hubby encouraged me to look into running races every time I leave the rock!  He has put up with months of me training, being tired at night well before him and sometimes throwing a wrench in our already packed Saturdays.  Yet through it all, he has encouraged me, cheered me on, stashed water bottles along my routes and listened to me whine when the hard days got the better of me. I also have had some very sweet little girls that have handled hour long runs being pushed on the track in rain and sun as well as the scenic bike path that resulted in many times having mom yell “lean to the left, lean to the right!”

I wanted to write a quick blog…haha, are my blogs every quick?  I hope to let you all know what is going on in Ezzy’s next chapter of CF, the unexpected twist with Kyre, so that those of you who faithfully and kindly pray for our family would be armed with the details.  We need God to provide in some ways, its always frustrating when life throws punches, but we are clinging to God’s promise that he sees, knows and cares for our needs.  Since I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, I hope to maybe write a blog on how we survived on a shoe string budget this trip…hello restaurants that have kids’ eat free nights!

The Harneys leave this Thursday, Ezzy has her pre-op appt on Friday, 1/2 marathon Saturday and  then surgery Monday.   Followed by various doctor appts for the girls off and on.  Prayers for protection over the kids and Richard as they navigate through crowded downtown Seattle waiting on me to cross the finish, courage and peace for an anxious 5 yr old, harmony, love and joy as we go to Children’s Hospital when we would rather be doing something else, guidance over the surgeons’ hand, an unbreakable God bubble, wisdom for Kyre’s doctors and most of all speedy healing so we can have some fun as she recovers!  We hope that the 6 of us plus Candy the therapy puppy will survive sharing a hotel room for two weeks and make us an even closer family unit.  

Thank you so much for finding various ways to support team Ezzy, we thank God
for you all!

Today is kind of surreal…last year I was going to my ob appt on my due date, trying to maintain any shred of sanity that women tend to lose towards the end of pregnancy.  I was determined to not be induced and wanted desperately to have the chance to let her come on her own like Ezzy did.  After two other births requiring pitocin and other measures, waiting for our little/big surprise seemed reasonable.

Ya’el immediately had everyone wrapped around her little precious fingers within minutes of meeting her.  Cayden still to this day, wants to be there for it all.  Tries to convince me weekly that he “has it under control” with her.  Ezzy can’t help but giggle when the two of them embark on a game they created together and Kyre…well, as with most of the family members, Ya’el tolerates Kyre in small doses…sorry Kyre, my love you are an I.N.T.E.N.S.E. person.  

Richard finds so much joy when people say Ya’el looks just like her momma.  He prayed and prayed that if he was going to have to have ANOTHER girl, then at least would God make her his little native baby.  Well, with Ya’el’s dark hair, dark skin and the most beautiful chubby cheeks, its is safe to say God heard him loud and clear.

Our number four has been what you would call a sucker baby.  She was so easy going in the early infant stages.  She napped anywhere, waited her turn when chaos struck our home…who am I kidding, its always chaotic.  But she also saved little memory making moments for Richard and I in the late evenings when everyone was in bed and she had our undivided attention.

We were immensely blessed to have papa leonard and grandma debbie come and pray over her and give her a blessing after her birth.  It is really cool to witness what happens when someone goes to God and asks how to pray for a life.  What happens is you see that God will grant discernment and wisdom as faith is practiced.  There has been so much joy as we have watched her begin to live out what was prayed over her the day after God granted her her first breath.

I was terrified that Ya’el would be born in the summer, leaving me with 3 older kids wanting to be outside all the time.  But her easy going spirit really allowed for me to have the chance to cater to the big kids while she just tagged along.

When summer ended I had a baby that was becoming more then a blob, one that was fun to interact with and also had an unbreakable bond with daddy.  When he was around, his arms were where she wanted, demanded at times, to be.  Being in ministry on Sunday solidified the bond the two of them formed, since dad was it for her.

Thanks to her very healthy appetite, she even was kind enough to share and let mommy pump for two other babies after my morning workouts

and waited her turn or sometimes took measures into her own hands, haha

Ya’el has reached most of her milestones before the rest of her siblings.  Sitting up at 4 months old, crawling at 6 months, walking at 10 months, running at 11.5 months.  She is really fast, I have learned I can’t put her down and expect to find her in a radius of her first location.  

If you have the chance to be around her you will find out how playful she is.  She will look over her shoulder, yell at you and wait with a mischievous smile on her face for you to respond.  Standing outside the opened unoccupied bathroom door (a big no no in our house) is her best game to play.  After alerting us of the open door, she will wait until the last minute after seeing we are heading to close it and run into the bathroom giggling and squealing.   Her desire to make people laugh is rooted deep within her tiny little soul and we can’t help but smile when around her.

Ya’el is obsessed with shoes, of course the dirtiest shoes in the house are the most appealing.  She loves clothes and will turn anything into the newest fashion trend, even dad’s underwear can serve a purpose.

 What I love most about her, is that she loves to sing and participate with me in worship.  Listening to her sing with me will about complete your life, I’m not kidding.

Growing up with 3 older siblings keeps her wanting to be a part of everything they do…family communion, dress up, playing with the doll house, playdates at the beach, swinging at the park, boat rides…don’t hold her back!

Through her short time here on earth I am constantly reminded of how God’s ways and plans are bigger and better then what my human heart could ever dream of.  One day I can’t wait to share with Ya’el that her mommy and  daddy really didn’t expect her in our plans.  How we had given EVERYTHING away after big sister Kyre and moved on to the next chapter.  It was a blessing in a way to have to start over, because the anticipation about her arrival masked some of the unknown fears of her health.  Ya’el came at a time that our family needed some more heavenly interventions in our lives and a time that we needed our foundation to be secure with one another.  We needed more of God, more reasons to seek him first.  It is interesting how when you are willing to take a step back, you can see that God really knows what he is doing when he places people in your life.  Our souls learn to give and take, we make allowances for one another, we have more determination to talk with God as we pray for each other, we witness the hand of God in their lives, but more importantly we get a glimpse of the love our Father God has for us.

Ya’el Ariel Ruth, baby girl you are 1 yrs old today!  Thank you for showing us that we need to slow down and just laugh at things and to find moments to always praise God.  You have carved a permanent place in our hearts that only you can occupy.  Can’t wait to watch you grow into the might woman of God he is already shaping you to be!

Today is the 7th night that Ezzy will have spent in the hospital…crazy right?

It has been an interesting time, some moments surreal and others painfully apparent that we are missing part of our family.  Its in the morning when we would normally be all encouraging her to get her vest on or Kyre running to the fridge to grab her nebulized meds its real.  Its especially real when we sit down to eat a meal or have a snack and I reach for the enzyme bottle.

The moment that I knew we were all going to be okay is really personal, I am struggling with sharing it with you all now, only for the mere fact that some of you will think I am utterly insane.  With that said, I have a shred of confidence in the fact that I am suppose to share it with one of you readers, don’t know who, but someone is suppose to hear what gave me confident hope, better yet who.

Sunday morning, I was leading worship, it hadn’t even been 24 hrs of Ezzy’s hospitalization. Richard told me to not call off leading, to keep doing what we are suppose to be doing, because Ezzy was in Nana’s care and we couldn’t all camp out all day in her hospital room.  I fought him at first, but then as I digested what he had shared, I came to realize that he was right.  Leading worship is precious to me, its a weighted honor, an immense privilege that Christ would see me fit to do so.  In order for me to lead the way God has called me to, it involves complete reverence to his presence, I typically envision leading worship in his throne room, worshiping at his feet.

I was pushing my issues with Ezzy’s recent situation out of the way, trying to just see him, to soak in every word, making sure my head and heart believed them.  We were singing the song “How great is our God”.  During the chorus of the song I all of a sudden received a heavenly vision while we sang these words:

“How great is our God, Sing with me

How great is our God, All will see 

How great, How great

Is our God”

Ezzy was sitting on her hospital bed and I could see a band of angels circling around her.  They  weren’t armed and ready for a fight, instead they were swaying to the music and they were singing the words, shouted them for all to hear!  The battle was one, no forces of hell would touch her, he body was resting in safety.

In that moment, as the tears fell from my face, I was given an anointed peace that the world can’t and won’t take away.

We could easily fool ourselves that we don’t matter to others, that Ezzy’s battle, sometimes silent is one that we have been punished to fight, that is what the world wants us to believe.

Yet as we shared with you the unexpected sudden turn of events, we were immediately lifted up by so many of you.

7 nights is a really long time to be going through what we are all going through, yet Ezzy’s resilience is infectious.

 Each time I see her, thank you Face time, aside from the one call that had her in tears, thanks to the impending procedure to get her PICC line put in, she has been spunky, full of smiles and a mischievous plan to get under her daddy’s skin.  She is being tenderly cared for by amazing staff who know how to care for little ones fighting big scary battles.  Her days are filled with arts and crafts, her room is covered in her therapy.  There is no limitation to how much food she can eat, 24 hrs a day fresh fatty soft bacon can be sent her way. The hours of therapy, being connected to her dancing partner i.e. IV stand and being isolated from any other patients hasn’t taken away her spirit.

Thankfully two night ago, they cleared her to take a little stroll in the hospital garden.  I was informed it was a mini vacation for both daddy and Ezzy after 5 hospital days in the “hole”.

 A friendly neighborhood cat became their friend and they were rejuvenated after their adventure.

With each conversation I have had with Richard and Ezzy I have been affirmed that we are all being taken care of and well.  My sweet friend set up meals for me each night they are gone, knowing the chaos would result in last minute cold cereal dinners.  Just in time too, since my oven door decided to explode…don’t worry, no fires, but it was no good.  Another friend went on a run with me and has reminded me to hydrate as we prepare for the race, another friend watched the girls so I could leave for an hour and do something by myself.  We have played at the beach and playground and kept busy by my thoughtful friends.

I was even told that many of Ezzy’s classmates have made a prayer circle with a heart rock they found.  Everyday they go and put flowers and anything their little hearts and find, while they miss their friend and send the purest of prayers to Heaven.

 Many of you have been texting both richard and I making sure we are ok and don’t need anything…thank you, really, we are having the blinders pulled daily and being shown that so many of you care, that the battle Ezzy is fighting isn’t silent.

It is with some sadness that I have to wake tomorrow morning and run the 1/2 marathon without Richard.  If you were to ask him, he is okay with this arrangement.  We have been training for almost 2 months, raising awareness and funds for Ezzy to receive a therapy dog.  But I was really looking forward to doing this as a unit, doing this for our daughter together.  Yet, God already has taken care of this, I have friends running for Team Ezzy tomorrow, I will not be alone.  A friend even created decals for my shirt and pants.

 (we will be selling them by donation, to raise funds for Team Ezzy)

So as you wake tomorrow and see, cross your fingers, as drizzle falling from the sky (I did NOT train for this crazy heat wave we are having) say a prayer for me.  Pray that I am safe, I don’t roll my ankles and that as I pound out each stride on the pavement I am reminded that God knows, He sees, He answers our hearts cries.  Pray that Ezzy keeps fighting, that her strength never wanes, that her healing will be a proof that God’s hand is over her precious little life.  Rest assured that this little girl who is walking a difficult road isn’t walking alone, thanks to her angel band around her!

When we woke up this morning we had braced ourself for our double booked day and expected the little wrench in our plans to not be a big deal. I went off to see Kelly and freshen up my shaggy mullet and didn’t really dwell on Ezzy’s unexpected doctor appointment her CF doc scheduled for her.  He told us that he really needed her to be listened to by her normal doc and asked if we could get her in.  Not the most convenient time, it was 15 minutes before both girls had to be at ballet rehearsal for their spring gala in a week.

Ezzy was bouncing all over the doctor’s office.  Nervous energy probably from the fact her Saturday plans were suddenly changed as she saw her sister going off to ballet and her being dropped at the doctors.  After going over the sickness she has been struggling with for the last 8 weeks the doc heard her let out a “small” cough.  The doctor’s face changed and I informed her that was nothing compared to what I started hearing a day ago.  Even after starting the heavy duty drug our island had to special order, Ezzy was getting worse fast.

After a throat culture we were sent on our way and told to expect a call shortly…

The call came, I was home, getting the girls out of ballet clothes and attempting to ready ourselves for the next item on the to do list.  We haven’t been living in denial about Ezzy’s health.  Being told to keep “living” was what we were attempting to do each day.  So we planned to attack today as we have done the last 8 weeks.

In a conversation that lasted less the 6 minutes, we were told that Ezzy had to be admitted here at our hospital to start IV antibiotics until she could fly to Seattle Children’s on this upcoming monday/tuesday when a bed becomes available.

My mind felt like it got stuck on repeat, my words failed to form, my heart sank. When I gathered myself for what seemed like eternity, I asked the doctor, why?

Ezzy is run down, Ezzy does have a really bad cough, Ezzy has been sick for too long, but not like SICK. She still has had energy to pick on her brother, to baby Kyre after she had ear surgery last week.  She took on the roll as Kyre’s nurse and still mustering the strength to fight nap-time when I saw her come home with bags under her eyes after school each day.  Her spunk hasn’t waned even though her physical strength might have at times. 

When we thought of lung exasperations, we thought they would look differently.

So lung exasperations typically happen 1-2x a year for most CFers, they require a 10-14 day IV antibiotic to try and protect the lungs from scarring and damage that lead to a decrease in life span.

After getting the dreadful news, I called Richard, called my mom and started to busy myself with house work until they showed up.  As the tears fell from my cheek onto my shirt, I grieved the scary event that would soon be taking place in a 5 yr olds life as well as the realization that her much anticipated spring gala she has been practicing for would not be happening this coming Saturday.  I called out to my Abba Father, we had words, well, I had words for him.  I was mad, frustrated, just plain hurt.  I finished folding the clothes and stumbled on her little dress that God delivered a direct message to me…

Thankfully her CF doc called us and talked Richard and I off the ledge and broke it down.

1. we need to be thankful that she hasn’t needed a tune-up in her 5 yrs of life = proof of the care we give her

2. she should feel better quickly and this route usually kicks the bad bugs’ butt fast

3. we didn’t do anything wrong, her body just couldn’t fight it and with each cold she was around, more bugs buried in her lungs

4. we are catching this hopefully in time before permanent damage is taking place

After expressing that we were having to drop alot of happiness off her to do list this week, our doc encouraged us to take her to the carnival in town and check in an hour or two later then we were originally told.

She had a blast!  She got all the cotton candy she wanted, she nibbled her Carmel apple leaving mom to eat the other half

She suckered her brother into doing a “baby” ride with her…

just to ditch him when one of the “cute” boys from her class showed up and smiled.  We did exactly as her CF doc told us to do, we gave her some memories to hold onto that will hopefully carry her through these next two weeks.

I listened to her ask to speak to her siblings on the phone tonight, each conversation was different.  Cayden left in tears, Kyre in giggles, me in awe of her strength.  Her request was to spend the first night in the hospital with Nana.  Leaving mom and dad a night to be together before we are separated for awhile.  

The hospital staff here have NO C.L.U.E. what to do with her and her enzymes, her contact precautions, her disease.  We want to be at children’s where they understand and know what to do with CF.  But we have to trust that God has every detail worked out.  He made sure a friend is working at the hospital tomorrow unexpectedly, yay Kalli! 

We know that when a room opens up for her, it will be because God has worked his details out with the right people and the right time is in place.

Please pray for our family, we really, really suck at being separated.  We have a long hard week ahead with commitments and having Ezzy hospitalized is hard. Pray she gets a room at children s ASAP, the sooner she sees her specialists the better, KGH is totally out of her scope of care  We are scared, nervous and heart broken because she is entering a hard situation with no understanding of what it is going to cost.

I was driving home tonight from an art class I scheduled weeks ago and was talking with God, I felt guilt about going, even though Richard and mom assured me to go because only one person needed to be with Ezzy.  We were blessed by a friend who came and watched our kids so that Richard and Nana could do the change off.  He is a Saint, the pic proves it!!

 

I was drawn to these words to a song as I sought God in the stillness, trying to hear him speak to my aching heart:

Your love oh Lord ,Reaches to the Heavens

Your faithfulness , Stretches to the Sky

Your righteousness, Is like the mighty mountains

Your justice flows, Like the ocean tide

I will lift my voice, To worship you my King

I will find my strength, In the shadow of your wings

Strength will be found Ezzy girl, rest in the shadow of his wings, lift your voice and worship our King who has made you for this moment.

“My heart has heard you say, Come and talk with me,

And my heart responds, Lord, I am coming”

                                           Psalm 27:8

Have you ever wondered if God really, like really knows you?  Does he see what you are dealing with, your breaking points, your needs, your desires?  If he really knew you,then you wouldn’t be struggling right, you wouldn’t experience loss, pain or see a society plagued with darkness…

I have gleamed the internet reading about the state of affairs our world is dealing with: Baltimore riots, ISIS Boko Haram, Pastor Saeed, religious freedoms business owners are fighting for, same sex marriage, Bruce Jenner, Nepal, Hilary Clinton and the list goes on.  Where is God?

There was a time in my life that I wondered if God really knew my heart, knew my needs and better yet, cared.

It took me having to bury myself in the deepest darkest parts of my soul to realize that I was and am seen, called by name, by the one who wants to care for me.  I literally had to be stripped of all the things I allowed myself to fill up on and realize that I didn’t really have a healthy concept of God.  I would talk to him from time to time, but more of an acquaintance then a friend or an Abba Father.  My one-sided conversations consisted around my needs and wants.  I wasn’t looking for any dialogue, I was basically giving God marching orders…yeah…

“My heart has HEARD you say, Come and talk with me – And my heart RESPONDS, Lord I am coming!”  I had a steep learning curve in this part of my life.  I barely had enough in me to call on God and admit that I had needs, why on earth would I stick around to hear his answers.  Trust, broken, was the norm for me.  I held God at arms length, but most of the time a football field away.  Things never turned out the way I wanted it, it was like he took my suggestions and did the complete opposite or so I thought.

Looking back, God did send me answers, send me people, delivered help on my doorstep, but I was so blinded back then and couldn’t see or admit that he was caring for me and my family.

“You have always been my helper…

even if my father and mother abandon me, 

the Lord will hold me close” 

                           – Psalm 27:9,10

I don’t know what it is, but Richard and I are really bad receivers.  Asking for help is more painful then getting wisdom teeth pulled, impacted ones too…I would know.  There were periods in our life since Ezzy’s diagnosis that we desperately needed help and we couldn’t ask for it.  Instead we holed up in our house, let little people close to us and we lived in the sorrow of CF.  Those were the moments when I definitely did not see God “helping”.  As time went on we learned a new normal, was it healthy? Probably not, but we made the most of what we had.  

Does that mean that good hearted people weren’t reaching out?  NO…the problem was that coming home with a fragile child made Richard and I follow all the guidelines to a T, which were really hard to follow, esp if you weren’t living the life day in and out.  I recall precious memories of people trying to show us they cared but we weren’t in a place to receive the help or worse thank them.

“Teach me how to live, O Lord,

Lead me along the right path”

                   – Psalm 27:11

One thing God is faithful about is that he will show us how to live.  But are we willing to submit to him, to his path?  So often the path he designs for us is one that calls for us to be a servant first of all, not a master.  To be humble, patient, kind, compassionate usually are required too.  The first priority it that we have to ASK him to teach us.  

This last year I have experience more direction from God then I have ever in my life.  What changed?  My time with him, my two sided conversations, my desire to live according to his ways is what changed.

As I have looked back in the last year I have seen many times God has been trying to teach our family a lesson on how to receive his help…

Whether its an envelope stuffed full of cash left in our mailbox.

A box sent to a little girl asked to fight a big battle

An entire classroom praying for God bubbles and sending little treats for the entire family

A youth group showing up on our door with toys for our kids

A random call, text, email informing me I have dinner coming on days I needed it the most

A message delivered by a complete stranger that was specific to my searching heart

A painting commissioned by a friend

The list can go on, but I just want to remind you all that you are not unseen, unknown by our Abba father.  My question to you is, are you going to him with your needs with a surrendered heart or instead with preconceived notions.  I can’t promise you that you will walk away with money, gifts, dinners, messages, etc.  Those were actually needs, things that were seen by God and responded to for our family.  Our family has struggled feeling alone, wondering if people really understand the daily battle we fight.  Lately, we finally have eyes to see that God is and has always been wanting to provide for those needs. He has placed our family on others hearts so they can be his hands and feet.

In just 3 days we have almost reached our goal to purchase a therapy puppy for Ezzy. http://www.gofundme.com/sw2va28?fb_action_ids=932678040086397&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_ref=m_d_ty&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B825615397516551%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.shares%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%22m_d_ty%22%5D  I really struggled with going this route, asking people to donate to a cause.  But I was encouraged to trust that people care.  I just want to say thank you to those you donated, shared the link and also took the time to say a prayer that our little warrior would get a much desired therapy friend!

“Wait patiently for the Lord,

Be brave and courageous, 

Yes, wait patiently for the Lord”

                             -Psalm 27:14

God will answer you in the timing that is perfect, I will warn you, it rarely matches your timing.  But he does answer.  He will answer.  Are you willing to be patient, to wait on the Lord.  The verse says we have to be brave and courageous when we wait.  Then it says “yes, wait” affirming again, that we need to be patient.  

We are in a situation right now in our family that is requiring us to be brave and courageous, to wait patiently for the Lord to intervene and do his work.  There have been ups and downs in the process and yet thankfully since the blinders have been pulled we still see God at work.

You want to know the crazy thing?  In those headlines that have caught my attention, the ones that provoke anger, sorrow, empathy, confusion, pain, self righteousness, I still see God.  I still see hope in hopeless situations because God has the final say folks.

“To all who mourn, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes

a joyous blessing instead of mourning,

festive praise instead of despair.

In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks

that the Lord has planted for his glory”

                       – Isaiah 61:3

No problem is to too big or small for my God, who is YOUR God…isn’t that something, he is free to all who call on him.

What struggle are you holding tight to right now because you feel like you don’t matter?  What situation is eating up your soul?  What thing are you turning to, to numb this life?

I ask this, because I am at fault right now.  I have been holding on out of fear and I realize that when I do that I can’t see God’s handiwork being done.

When you decide to go to God, will you add our sweet Ezzy to the list.  We are now going on 7 weeks of Ezzy being sick (super gunky cough and now chest pain) she caught RSV.  We have tried 3 different antibiotics and steroids to no avail.  Now on to a drug our island doesn’t even carry because its primarily used for CFers when they get a bad aggressive bug in their lungs.  Our amazing CF doc called our home personally and discussed the options with us. The plan is to try this drug and hope it does the trick, but we also talked about the possibility of hospitalization if we don’t start seeing a change.  Yes if you live here you have prob seen us out with Ezzy, she thankfully isn’t running any fevers, but she is run down, on edge and is now complaining her chest hurts.  We were told to keep living life unless she goes down hill fast.

So as you face your challenges and doubts of whether you are known by God, know this…

I am having to swallow the words I wrote and “wait patiently for the Lord” and I will have to choose daily to be “brave and courageous” and most of all realize that my family “has been planted for his glory”

      -Amen