7 yrs may seem like a long time for most of you, especially if I asked you to recall what you were doing…

Richard and I laugh and look at each other confused and somewhat sadden that we know exactly where we were 7 yrs ago, most because it seems surreal.

Its hard to pinpoint the moment that we identified ourselves as parents, honestly, we still would struggle saying 7 yrs ago.  When we share stories with friends or new parents,  we always joke that we are lucky Cayden can’t remember that far back.  Really, we are.  It was hard to have a baby away from family and even though we had amazing friends who embraced our new titles, none could relate with us. 

The disruption to our social life, our sleep routines or the sudden wake up call to real life was extremely challenging. We thought we were ready to take care of someone else since we took such good care of our needs.  After Cayden’s birth we realized that we were babies, raising a baby and it was scary.

As Cayden grew his first year, so did we.  We learned, developed new skills and reach important milestones with him.  The most memorable one was getting our little guy sleeping through the night. It took a dear friend telling us that our sleep routine was in need of a big change.  Apparently stashing bedding for which ever parent lost the rock paper scissors tournament each night was a red flag.  Many nights were spent holding his hand through the crib and crawling on hands and knees while holding our breath in hopes that we would escape his room before the other parent gave up and fell asleep without us.

Our hearts ache when we recall the expectations we had for him when he was just 19 months and we were trying to figure out how to live inbetween the hospital and Ronald McDonald’s house.  He was a champ and rarely threw a fit and rolled with the punches.  He just wanted to be around his mommy and daddy and forgave the moments when we expected him to act like a 5 yr old.  He would lean in and hold us when we would rock his sick new baby sister.  It was in his second year of life that he was in the beginning stages of learning how to be who is down to the core.

Cayden is a caretaker.  He is compassionate, many times giving more of himself then a child much older would be willing to give.  Most of all Cayden affirms to us time after time that God was placing alot of trust in the little man that would make his parents understand what unfailing love and grace would mean and also the little man who would be there to help his guide his sisters through life.

 Almost every morning of spring break was met with him in the kitchen making his sisters breakfast and begging me to please let him make me coffee while I relaxed on our slow mornings.  One day while sitting on the couch nursing his baby sister I looked over my shoulder to find this sweet picture.

One Saturday morning Cayden knew his worn out parents were exhausted and trying to prolong their time in their bed, so he walked in, grabbed his baby sister and said, you guys go back to bed I have her.

At a very recent doctor appointment that required all siblings to attend, it was revealed that Ezzy was going to have to have a throat culture, something that makes her break out in a sweat and tears roll down her face.  She immediately looked down after the doctors words were uttered and after seeing his sisters fear, Cayden said “wow, Ezzy, you CFers are the braviest people I know, I could never do what you guys do”.  Her head raised, she smiled at him, turned to me with the tears sitting on the edge of her eyelids and opened wide.

To be honest friends, his heart, his kindness is something that I don’t think all came from life lessons from his parents.  We are imperfect, broken people, who struggle just like you and unfortunately make mistakes along the way.  BUT I will tell you that dedicating his life to Christ as a baby, praying specifically for him in ways that God told us to pray for absolutely developed a maturity that doesn’t reflect his age.  He knows when his mom reaches her limits and will offer help when I least expect it, let alone from him.

His recent emergency surgery to remove pieces of his ear plugs left us with a little guy that was terrified, but hid his nervous energy with silence and a somberness that left the hospital staff in awe.  When most kids would have been lashing out at a stressful event (trust me, I heard 2 other kids loosing it in the pre/post op area) he was leaning into me and asked me to pray with him.  After a mother’s prayer, that most definitely goes to the front of the line was said, I had a little man tell me he was ok because he knew “God was going with him”.

I have learned many critical lessons from the little soul that entered the world on 3-23-2008.  Some are wrapped in guilt and remorse but for the most part come in packages bursting with Joy and as I watch him discover who he is.

Driving home one day from the gym I was listening to the Moody Bible station and the topic was directed at moms with littles.  The speaker was explaining how important it is to not get wrapped up in the difficult years of childhood because those are the years we are forming the future…to understand that by the time the teen years start, our influence of parents declines.  When I added up the years until he turned 14, I realized that I had only 7 more years left with him.  I almost hyper ventilated in the car.  Shortly after Cayden told me he really wanted to go with me in the early am and teach me all that he has learned on his swim team.  Richard was shocked I was willing to get up at 5:45 am and drive us to the pool, but I told him what I had recently learned and didn’t want to miss this opportunity to respond to his heart. It will be one of my favorite memories with him because I learned from him what a patient teacher his is after he helped me work on certain strokes and flip turns.

 

Cayden currently spends his waking and sleeping moments dreaming of living the life of an outdoorsman.  Our dear friend Ken exposed him to the world of duck hunts and Cayden has forgotten his life before being a duck commander.

 Ken told us that we needed to return the bbb gun we got Cayden and get a .22 for him instead, since he was going to be a duck hunter for the rest of his life.  I decided that we can wait for one more year before he gets a .22 or see if he can save up by selling the furs.  Joel showed him what fun it is to take a walk, aka a marathon in the woods and run trap lines in hopes that he will have trapped a mink and ermin.

 Our son loves this life so much that his birthday party this Saturday entails him and a few of his buddies running the trap line, shooting bbbs and skinning a land otter.  I literally had to get consent from all the parents’ who’s little guys would be exposed to Cayden’s idea of fun.  He has learned to respect the land and sea and I do not doubt that he will be an abundant provider for his family.

Cayden desires his friends to know who God is, so much so that he had me call our church office to get enough invites for his entire class.

 He wanted them all to know about our church’s largest outreach event.

We couldn’t be more proud of the little man that is growing up and succeeding in life even with parents that still say “sorry dude, we are learning with you” after a time out and listening to God correct us which results in us apologizing.

My little guy is reading at a 5th grader level and he is only in first grade! I just spoke to the student teacher who helps with the science part of the day and was informed that Cayden will repeat verbatim what is explained and then demonstrate his accurate understanding of the new concept.  I know that whatever Cayden sets his sights on in life that the determination, compassion and willingness to think of others before himself will be integral to his success.

William Cayden Harney, Happy Birthday my 7 yr old!!!  Thank you for drawing us closer to our Abba father as we learn to lead you to him and also let you grow and dream in this big world!

It’s freaking valentines day tomorrow. I am beginning to dread this holiday and not because I don’t have the best reasons to ooze love out of every pore of my body, but because of pressure and demand it creates to go long lengths to show affection on one day…

My other reason for not caring for this holiday is because of a certain movie that is hitting box offices. A movie the world has deemed the epitomy of love, all things romantic and something that should be shared with the population so they too can partake…

I to be honest ignored all of the blogs, commentary, and spiteful articles or posts on social media. One because I get aggravated that I have to watch people fight on something that I partake in because I just want a mental break. Also because I see good hearted people flip a switch in an uncharacteristic way. Many times we lash out because we haven’t really sat down and thought it through why we feel or believe a certain way. SO…I stayed out of it. Mostly because I knew my heart and my brain weren’t on the same team yet. Then I had the opportunity to read a beautiful letter and it compelled me to actual share it and ultimately share my opinion. See we Christians, we face alot of adversity, we are called prejudice, intolerant, biggots, prudes…you get my gist. So many times when we take a stand we lack the very grace and LOVE that we are called to emit when we interact with others. Yet Christ called us to not “conform to the world, but be transformed to the renewing of our minds”. I have been wondering how am I suppose to explain to the unchurched, unbelieving, new believers, or my fellow sisters in Christ why we need to grasp what LOVE is in CHRIST before we make comments about a heated topic today or choose to not share our hearts because we don’t want to be set apart from the norm.

Then as I was faced with living the daily struggles of living in two worlds as one my dear bible study member so beautifully put, I then heard God speak to the questions that have been filling up the necessary spaces to function and leaving me overwhelmed and spent.

“love is patient and kind”

boy oh boy, this has been a HARD one to swallow this week. We are in the swing of full on plates overloaded, parents and kids spread thin and to top it off sickness. I wear many hats throughout the day, but I will admit being a nurse is the hardest one.

After rushing one morning to get valentines done in time for Ezzy’s preschool class, I was overwhelmed by the care that was being provided. You see, we were so busy we couldn’t even get to walmart in a timely fashion for vday cards, so daddy ran out early in the morning. I hadn’t expected the other kids to help, this was mommy and daddy’s fault. Yet there we were in a five foot radius with a naturally built assembly line busting out valentines. Sweet ya’el took her role seriously at eating whatever scraps of paper she could find.

“love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude”

We received news this morning that Ezzy’s strep test came back positive.

When we were told yesterday at the doctor that she probably had hand foot mouth or 5ths disease I was not happy. Honestly, I would take strep over those other lovely alaskan cruds. It was soon explained to her that she would not be able to attend her much anticipated Valentine party at school. She had come home earlier in the week ecstatic about her little mailbox she had built.

The tears came, she said “it’s not fair Cayden is going to have all the fun”

Without missing a beat, my little man responded. “Don’t worry Ezzy, I know where your class is, I will go down there and get your valentines for you”

He is turned her pain around and instead of building on her statement of him having fun, he deflected and made sure she knew that her feelings mattered.

“it does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, it keeps no record of being wronged”

This one gets me. I am at fault big time, I struggle with forgiveness…yup there I said it. If you wrong me, if you cut me to the core, an offense will take seed and I will water it, warm it with anger and tend to it to make sure it grows strong. Awful, I KNOW.

I was sharing with a friend that I had a come to Jesus moment with my mom and she put it out there plain as day, with no chance for rebuttal. She told me that every sin, every act, thought, desire that doesn’t glorify God, all the muck, Christ died for that. He died for me, so I had a chance to start over. She told me when I see a person that has hurt me to immediately visualize the words “forgiven” over their heads, to remember that I have been forgiven and must give what was freely given.

“it does not rejoice about the injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out”

I sat in a meeting recently for one of my roles outside of the home. A discussion was taking place and it was one that involved emotions, ones that made me want to rise to the temperature in the room and make sure I was heard. Yet I sat quietly, I prayed because I heard him clearly say, “what are you doing? start praying!” So when it came time for me to either involve my tongue or choose to let something go. I let it go. Because we have to believe that saying “the truth always comes out” is true. You know what happened? I left with a promotion and am still in awe as I am adjusting to what this means for the next year.

“love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance”

I was telling a friend I didn’t know why I was getting so riled up about the 50 shades of grey smut. I didn’t know why I was all of a sudden passionate about something that calls me to share my opinion openly and in settings where it is not always going to be received. She turned to me and said we all have our thing, the thing that drives us, the thing that God knew we could handle and use for him if we let him.

It was in that moment that I realized, YES, it is true, my thing is protecting what God gave us as a gift

I will tell you, that if I was the woman being accused of sin and surrounded by self righteous people ready to stone me, I would be not without fault in this area.

I loved how a friend recently said, “satan is a sneaky snake”. You might roll your eyes, but his plans and demise for a marriage worked. Hello Adam and Eve.

What lies are you believing right now? What temptations are you making compromises for? What is standing in the way of you understanding what LOVE is, God giving, life changing, perfect love?

I have to believe that ever since Richard and I took steps to safeguard our marriage, that is when the sneaky snake quit findings cracks in our foundation. He was unable to feed us lies that left us worse then we were before we heard them. Tears, threats of divorce, past choices, baggage we brought into our marriage were fuel to the fire. But through God’s grace we have found victory in areas we were convinced at one point would never bear beautiful fruit. You ever want to know what steps we took, ask me, Ill gladly share them with you.

All I know is that thousands of women and men are going to be flocking to something that degrades what a relationship is suppose to be. I also know how we can convince ourselves that it won’t impact us because we like the story line. Honey, if you have to read around the smut or buy/make a book cover to read a story line, just don’t bother.

How we do marriage impacts society, it impacts the generations rising up, it impacts the circles we are in. How we talk about out relationships, intimacy, and love carries so much weight.

Thankfully as I get older I realize now that there are more then 50 shades of love. I am learning it in the moments I see my children love unselfishly, in the moments we bite our tongues and show love and respect, when we smile and talk to the person who cut us deep, when we choose to stay committed to our spouse in EVERY aspect: heart, soul, mind, and body that is when we get a glimpse of God’s heart and how much he loves us.

“let love be your highest goal!” 1 Corinthians 14:1

if you are curious what the numerous shades of LOVE are, grab the bible, start digging. Check out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Need more passages, let me know!

Anyone else struggling with the fact that CHRISTmas seemed like it was a holiday that couldn’t get here soon enough? Yeah, we felt that way until we were up late yet another CHRISTmas eve, wrapping presents until almost midnight while watching the Holiday. We always laugh and say, “didn’t we just watch this?!?” With December brings the hustle and bustle, Bing Crosby in the background, strangers greeting you with a smile and a Merry CHRISTmas (no happy holidays here, thanks to living in a strong Republican state) and small town events that keep you at times busier then you and your family need. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE CHRISTmas, I mean really love it, so much so that my new husband banned CHRISTmas music until after thanksgiving when we first got married and quickly found out what all that pent up energy could do while waiting for the friday after turkey day…Santa puked in our house that year. Each year my love of the season began to break down the cold heart that was two sizes to small as he joined in the festivities. I couldn’t wait to bust out White Christmas, my candy cane advent calendar, or the treasured ornament we had began to buy for Cayden each year to one day send to him when he no longer came home for CHRISTmas. Then December 2009 took place…

I just overheard Richard tell Ezzy, “hey Ezzy…did you know what your mommy was doing at this time 5 years ago?!?” “She was getting ready to have you…”

Breathe in and out Sarah, In and out…

I have done a fantastic job of holding this season at an appropriate length if I do say so myself. I fought planning her birthday party, like I do every single freaking year, it’s a defense mechanisim, but I didn’t let a dark cloud follow me as the giant ticking clock reminded me that its one less year of her life. I would grieve here and there, then breathe in and out, and face the world. The world that has changed since my closest girlfriends all moved away this year. I never had to explain to them why December was hard, they understood, they hugged me, helped me refocus and sometimes gave me my much needed space.

Her dad either perceptive to my trauma that clings to me with a deathly grip was eating up my soul or the fact that I was being pulled every direction with my ministry role and policitan role, filled in the gaps and planned the most perfect FROZEN themed party for our two little holiday babies. Kyre and Ezzy had so much fun with the jammed back party he planned and walked away feeling like two little princesses.

Trying to relinquish the bitterness that wells up in my soul and tries to seep in the crevices that have been dry and began to heal has been something that I have been in conversation with God. The tug and pull that my spirit would feel as I have a memory that sends a twinge in my heart would send me running to him.

When the moments that would normally send me in a whining tyrant to my Abba Father came, I would literally just say one or two words directed at him and then felt my control begin to fade and a longing of being wrapped up in his loving arms take over. You see me and God, we are tight, NO joke. I don’t know if it is because of the life changing bible study group I have been apart of this year, the intentional time I spend in his word daily, the healing he is doing in my life, or my spirit’s hunger to have a heart that resembles his, whatever it is, I have found that the darkness and loneliness are just mere glimpses before I am rescued.

As you all know we entered this school year, holding our breaths, anxiously wondering what this fall and winter would bring to our family. We knew the day was coming, had lived in denial, but also prepared for the worst. How could we not? The support group we are in told us to be prepared for lengthy hospitalizations, nasty bugs that would make her lungs decline, teachers or staff that wouldn’t care for her in the right way, or worse a VERY sick child that would have to be pulled from school because her health would be so detrimental.

Each time I felt the well getting ready to spill over I sensed God tenderly speaking to me reminding me that HE is holding her tight.

1. no length hospitalization
2. no nasty bugs (she actually finally got rid of one she has had in her lungs since she was 1)
3. no indifferent teachers or staff
4. no withdrawl from school due to medical limitations

We have been blessed with one of the most amazing, attentive, caring teacher and aide. They love my Ezzy. They advocate for her and go a step beyond what I could ever had expected as they joined Team Ezzy. It seemed fitting to have her draw them “Team Ezzy” lungs for their CHRISTmas gifts.

Ezzy’s one gripe since CHRISTmas break is that she doesn’t get to go to school. She misses the independence, the life she is building, the relationships she is developing, and the moments she isn’t living in an environment that reminds her she is different. Ezzy received Student of the Month at her school for the month of November. I was informed that she received this honor because she is one of the most well liked students in her class, she is always offering to help and be a team player, and that she is such a joy to be around. Her teacher told me that all the children gravitate towards her, everyone wants to sit with her, play at her station, or have her attention. Yet she divides herself, being a friend to all.

That’s it my girl, shine that light, shine it bright.

In the quiet, in the stillness, I know God is there, waiting to answer my heart’s searching.

Ezzy is thriving in her new life. I talked with a mom from her class who told me she kept her child out of school almost the entire first month of school when they received the handout about a child with CF being in her daughter’s class, because her daughter was sick. The mom didn’t know me or Ezzy at the time. I have been stopped, emailed, called, etc. by people wondering how Ezzy is holding up at school. I can almost sense them brace and get ready to receive news that will require an empathetic response. Their surprise and relief is welcomed by my own heart as I digest the words, “She is doing amazing, thank God”. I was blessed to watch her dance in her ballet class, she is the smallest and youngest, yet I just read her review and her teacher said “is the sweetest girl, I enjoy having her in class”.

Watch out people, she is magnetic. I see it everyday. People at church will head straight for her, pat her head, try to get a word out of her, or just peek at her as she lives her life breaking the expectations her doctors have given. Children want to be her friend, strangers love her from afar and filled the tree with presents because they care for her and her story.

Sweet Ezrah May, 5 yrs old dreams of being a teacher one day, dancing as the sugar plum fairy in the Nutcracker and plans on going to college…away from us…yes, she reminds of us from time to time she isn’t living at home forever. Her determination is inspiring, if she wants to do, don’t stand in her way. Her heart is so big and she always sees your heart, not what is on the outside. In the past, her dreams caused the worst side of me to reign, but now I find myself sitting back, acknowledging and encouraging her dreams without seeing them shackeled with the chains of CF.

God is doing a work in me in many ways, but it all originates with a little tiny soul that came into the world on December 26 2009

Happy 5th Birthday Ezzy May

“mommy, I want to marry Thierry..”
“um, how come?”
“because he is a nice boy and has crinkly hair”
“hey richard come here”
“ezzy tell daddy what you just told me”
“daddy, I want to marry Thierry”
“I’ll tell you what Ezzy, if you can find a boy that loves God more then you, then you can marry him”

I’m sure that the expression on my face probably didn’t welcome Richard’s deep answer to his daughter’s fragile heart. That was not what I was expecting him to say to a little girl at an age that still thinks that Daddy is a perfect option for a future marriage. Maybe because the human side of me couldn’t handle to concept of my best friend, the other half of my soul, loving something, let alone someone more then me.

I filed that little conversation away in my heart, not knowing that those words would be something that I would experience coming to life just a few days later…

Mastitis, stupid, mastitis is a curse word in our home. I have battled it 4x in the past and was hoping that since we passed the newbornish age that I would be sailing through without finding myself sitting in a doctor office or worse yet another ER room, running a fever, wishing that the very things that give and have given life to my babies would be cut off of my body. Well, then 5 am came with me wincing as each suckle made my brain, body, and conscious battle each other over what really mattered. The fever came along with a hot red mass and soon my husband was sending me to bed as he cancelled his much anticipated trapping trip with a friend.

Guilt, pity, frustration, sorrow, anger…you name it, I experienced it as I laid in bed as the fever sent chills pulsating with each beat of my heart.

Banishment to the couch or my bed was what the king of the house ordained and I sighed with partial relief that my daily to do list wasn’t being ignored as he attempted to do all of my duties.

Yes, we do things differently. My standard according to him is impossible to reach and unrealistic for any human to obtain. Yet there he was feeding, clothing, packing lunches, shuttling kids to and from school and their activities. Meals, water, a hungry baby were brought to me and I was then relieved of any child rearing once a baby’s tummy was full.

He decided to take cayden to the store with him one evening to grab some of nature’s remedy for mastitis. I was informed that as they stood at the isle with the cabbage they laughed and searched for the biggest head of cabbage thanks to my mammories thinking they feed triplets. Even admist their trip full of laughing, he was modeling to our son how to care for sick wife.

Why did it bother me so much to allow my husband to care for me? Doesn’t it say in Ephesians 5 that a godly husband is to “love his wife as Christ loves the church”? I have read this passage countless times, then I watched my husband live it out. Christ loves the church, his bride, his people so much they he gave up his life for her. Richard didn’t give up his life in that moment as he slaved away over laundry, dishes, butts wiped, babies rocked to sleep in the early morning. But he attend to me in a way that made him think less of himself and more of someone else.

When his 3 days of being Mr. mom came to an end, we sat across from one another and discussed that we are happy with the roles that each of us have in our family. He told me respect has been given, I told him that I couldn’t do what he does each day, because believe it or not I missed being needed, beckoned, ran to when something happened. I watched Kyre soak up all his extra attention and knew that when he went back to work it was going to be hard on me, her, and Ya’el. The proof was hearing Kyre ask daddy why he had to go back to work the next morning.

We all in a way loved to be tenderly cared for in selfless love. He didn’t gripe when Ya’el woke yet again when her tummy needed food, when Kyre’s dire state required his action or when he crossed off yet another task in the daily needs a family of 6 have.

My Ephesians 5 man is currently in Seattle with Ezzy, they just completed her sleep study and we have be warned surgery most likely is in her future. But I am thankful to know that whatever health issues that get thrown our way that I, my children, or my husband don’t have to go through it alone. He is the head of our household, who he looks to to lead him impacts how he leads us. I witnessed my little guy see that his sister was embarrassed and immediately made her laugh about the wires stuck to her head. By the time they stopped talking she wasn’t covering herself up in shame. Yes, he IS learning from his daddy.

I get it now, I get why he must love someone more then me.

Thankful that my girls are having a standard set higher then most have in a broken world, because he examples what it means to have selfless love. He strives to answer their adoring female hearts not in fairy tales, but instead in Truth that can only come from his Heavenly Father.

Thankful my little man is looking to his daddy to teach him how to care for his family. I recently received a message on how my little guy was doing. I know that as his dad spends every night doing devotions with him, just the two of them, that my hubby is making sure that Cayden learns how to love his bride one day, but first points him to who he should love more then anything.

Hard to believe that 14 years ago we started out, unsaved, wide eyed with hearts full of youthful arrogance.

Proof that God can take you no matter how/where you are in your life and say “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness”- 2 Corinthians 12:9

“I am at a loss with her, she is M-O-O-D-Y all the time, I don’t know how to handle it”

“you know what I started to do with my little one?” “I started telling them who they are in Christ”

“huh…”

“I didn’t tell them or identify their negative behavior as part of who they are, I only told them who they are in Christ’s eyes and something changed”

…This my friends is why having soul friends is SO critical when raising your children.

I love Kyrene more then I can adequately put into words. I have heard the gentle small voice telling me “she PRECIOUS, she is a GIFT, she is just what we NEEDED.

SO after a recent trip…who am I kidding, we just got in on the last flight last night, I am digesting the positive reinforcement I was kindly given by my kindred spirit.

Kyrene Grace is 3 yrs old today. I don’t know where time has gone. I have been looking out over the dark purple mountains that are being engulfed by the teal sky thanks to the encompassing cold brisk air and day dreaming of a conversation with my kindred spirit 3 yrs ago on a day similar to today. We talked, she heard my heart as I anxiously awaited the birth of our surprise baby. My friend who had been waiting for the blessing of another child rejoiced and squealed when I told her the shock of the double pink lines. She reminded me that God loved me and trusted me so much to bless me with another little soul, even if I didn’t ask God for this GIFT.

Kyrene is different then the rest of us. She is unpredictable, a trait that Ezzy, Cayden, Ya’el and I do not posses. You never know where you stand with her. One day she can wrap her arms so tight around your neck that you know her heart can’t contain the love she has for you. Other days she can sit across the table, eyes and arms crossed and have a stare that makes you shift in your seat uncomfortably, just ask Kalli. Richard and her go toe to toe on a regular basis. All those struggles I have had with her big sister and being asked “how does it feel to look in the mirror?” now give me the chance to ask Richard the same thing.

Aside from the strength God has placed within her tiny little body, I see a girl unafraid, unswayed and better yet courageous to do things against the norm. Kyre doesn’t do things half way, she goes all in, no holding back in EVERYTHING that she does.

I had a church member recently tell me that felt like they were given a golden star because Kyre was willing to sit and color with them and talk. She realized that Kyre needed to develop a relationship with her on her own terms and so she has patiently waited for Kyre to let the walls down this last year. It was the highlight of her week she told me.

Kyre has been adjusting in her own way to not being the baby. It hurts, how do I know?!? Because she tells me in little ways. Ways that make my heart wallow in guilt if I am not careful.

But how could I blame her?

She was the first baby to down right refuse solids, only wanting to get her nourishment from her momma. We were ecstatic when she finally took some solids on her first bday! She would stiff arm her daddy when he came near to her, fearing that he was going to take her from the place she desired above all else, momma’s arms.

I have watched her grow in independence. Become a little momma and boss her siblings around. When she makes up her mind on how things should be she instructs us all, making sure we attend to her grand plan.

You can trust that if there is music on, she will run and find the dress that will spin the most and will dance like it is her last chance. She will get so lost in her creativity that I will stop what I am doing and actually believe the emotions she is pouring into each twirl, sway or dance move.

She recently led worship in our living room, speaking about “G- sus” and then asking us to stand and raise her hands while she sang. My heart was soaring at that moment to see that we are raising another Kingdom child.

I have been recalling the moment she was placed in our arms, the moment I realized that God knew our hearts where calling for another soul to entwine with, even if it wasn’t conscious.

Well since our trip to see my bestie, Richard and I have been doing the technique that my friend shared with us. You know what?!? It’s working. The fit or tantrum that she would normally dive head first in is broken before those intense emotions that she is feeling at the time call the shots. We literally see her eyes refocus as we tell her WHO SHE IS IN CHRIST while leaving out who the world wants her to be.

Don’t we all need to know who we are in Christ? Wouldn’t it change our motives, thoughts, interactions and dreams, if we were called exactly what are hearts long for?

I am grateful for the fact that God decided to sneak little miss Gracie Poo into our lives. She brought moments of laughter as we traveled with her and Ya’el this last week. She gave us the opportunity to start anew with no offenses in regards to our parenting choices and forgave us. I am challenged to love the way she loves. To cling to her convictions that press her to do things. To laugh and smile so freely that her dimples sink into her cheeks.

With a thankful heart I am entering another year of being her momma. Blessed with the chance to lead her to Christ and his unconditional love that will cover her as she learns who she is in Christ. The number 3 never looked so good! Happy birthday Kyre Grace!

It was fall 2004, Creative Writing 201 had forced two lives to converge, two lives that couldn’t be any different found a common thread that semester. I had fought the decision made by my degree program to retake another writing class, since I had full-filled my writing requirements from the accredited private school I had transferred from. Looking back I am thankful that I had take the class for many reasons…

The assignment was simple, write a story based on favorite memory. My very recent engagement made the top of the list and I began to pour my heart over the pages as glimpses of that night faded in and out of the steel box that would hold them until it was opened to be shared with friends, family, children, and grandchildren.

A trip to the Notre Dame football field to see the team play with her mom, brother and sisters was painted so well that I swear I could smell the crisp fall East Coast air and the hot brawts being served. I never watched football a day in my life, never had the desire to sit and watch a ball be thrown and grown men tackled to the ground. Yet here was a young woman who breathed the game, who would give anything to have remnants of the field pulsing through her veins.

We talked, only at the surface level. She had lived her whole life in the big city, I on a small island. Commonalities were sparse, so it seemed.

I quickly found myself burnt out on “friendships”. Was it the fact I had spent my whole life drawn to the other side, rarely allowing any females in my space? I had grown up with boys in my class, church, family circles, and learned how to have friendships with the opposite sex. Friendships with girls took work, came with emotional roller coasters, games, etc. If I had a fight with one of my “brothers” we said sorry and got over it. If I had a fight with one of my girlfriends, my attempt at saying sorry and moving, not hashing it out, was my downfall.

Our classes kept merging together, even though we had different majors, we still found ourselves in class after class. Soon the talk dug a little deeper. The invite to hang out was given countless times. My past record with picking city people to befriend was 0 for 2 and my fiancé was not ready to play nice with fast moving people again.

For whatever reason, whether it was the need to have connection outside of my husband or the fact that this girl was everywhere, with her bubbly laugh and inviting smile, I said yes and put on a brave face and stepped out of my comfort zone again.

After just one night of hanging out at her sister’s, her’s and the sister’s new fiance’s apartment, I soon learned that not all city people were “city” people.

Our friendship is one that took its time to form, that allowed the waters to be tested and when the walls were put down, souls were revealed and a bond was formed.

Every friday night became “family” night. We would switch it up and meet at restaurants, apartments, and our house. We were a rowdy bunch, loved to laugh, loved to breathe in life, loved to play games and even though our roots could stretch from Alaska all the way to Michigan, we were a family.

Soon my life’s chapters reached their ending and allowed new ones to be written. Richard and I went from being the engaged couple, to the married couple, to the pregnant couple…

There we were standing on different sides of the tracks. It would have been easy to jump and bail, the reasons were stacked against our friendship. Yet, we stood on other sides staring at one another, smiling, embracing each other’s differences.

She graciously planned my baby shower with all of our friends, most of whom weren’t even in a serious relationship. But that was her, the planner. We all looked to her every friday night to decide what our big plans were for the weekend.

When I found myself dealing with the changes of motherhood she came and brought me chinese food and held my little guy while I ate a hot meal.

When the sudden move to our hometown required a frantic pack to be completed in 2 wks, she came, stuffed boxes, held a baby, walked away with a box of frozen food as a reward, the chicken lasted forever for her ;)…when it came time to say good bye it was brief, quick, left little time for emotions to well up inside as we severed the tie that had become strong as I changed in many forms before her eyes.

It would have been easy to say good by and move on. Out of sight, out of mind right?!?

Nope

We found ways to maneuver around the distance, thanks to texting and then the realization that FB was kind of cool, we reached out.

I have been waking recently, with a deep heavy sadness. I am longing for the warm sunny days of sitting by the pool with her, sharing dinner at Pei Wei, or just sitting and watching the office. I think about how easy it was to be around her, to share my heart. Our differences never drove us away from each other, but instead closer. Republican vs. Democrat, christ-follower vs. undecided, working woman vs. homemaker, etc. She was the very first person to know about each pregnancy with the girls, she rejoiced each time after the diagnosis of Ezzy, telling me that I could do it, no matter the outcome.

The years have come and gone, the two young women who had the world at their finger tips are now living the good life. She is married to a wonderful man, a man that gets her. She is using that super smart brain of hers and doing what she does best, planning and telling people what to do. I am nursing yet another child, making a home and finding my way in the curve balls that have been thrown. Yet that bond, those differences reconfigured into a deep lasting friendship.

10 yrs later, I still call her one of my best friends. She is one of my longest friendships with females.

Isn’t this what we all long for in frienships? Don’t we want to sit across from someone and know that our hearts were heard, received and not discounted. Don’t we all want to know that as the seasons of life come in waves, crashing at times or gentle rolls that we have people who will weather whatever storms drive those waves?

If you have those people in your lives, can I encourage you to find ways to tell them? Don’t let them go through life thinking that the giving, the constant steadiness of their character isn’t valued

Happy birthday my dear friend, couldn’t think of a better way to honor you, then to share with the world your tender heart!

We, well mainly myself was super anxious for Ezzy’s CF appointment last week. I had been holding in my anxiety about the new chapter of Ezzy’s life at school and trying to adjust in every way possible to the complete opposite environment that Ezzy was now living in. I desperately needed affirmation from her specialists that we were doing everything right, not overlooking things as we learned how to let her grow and spread her wings without us. We found ourselves going from one end of the spectrum to another in a matter of days. I needed to hear that she was ok and have ideas and ways to cope with sickness now and in the future.

As you might recall, when I last traveled with Ezzy to Seattle I was a happy pregnant lady and had processed the fact that our traveling days would be ending again since a new baby was soon on its way. I learned so much from her, I even blogged about it, if you don’t remember it was titled “if you let them, they will teach you”. I came back and accepted that it would be daddy for the next few years holding her hand, talking with the team, taking her to Target after her dreaded throat culture, while I manned the other ones at home.

We soon realized that it would work for me to squeeze an appointment in since Nana heard Ezzy’s heart loud and clear and decided to purchase a ticket to meet her team.

Three generations headed off to a warm, sunnyish Seattle for some appointments and some much needed shopping!

I was beginning to dread the flight with Ya’el. She is the first child to refuse a binky. She pukes, gags, cries, and spits that thing across the room. She will stick out her bottom lip and tell me with her eyes “how dare you!”. I am adjusting to being a human binky, I hold her close, melt as I realize that I am the only one/thing that can soothe her…then there are the days that me and my equipment can’t handle another session and I am contemplating sleeping on the couch away from her. Thankfully sweet baby Ya’el was covered in prayer by her daddy and brother and she slept the majority of the flight!

As we climbed into the taxi after waiting for an hour and a half at the airport…Farwest Taxi, we are no longer friends…I soon realized that my idea of holding the baby off was not as brilliant as I thought. We soon had a baby that could not be soothed, crying her eyes out on I-5 in bumper to bumper traffic. So what did this momma do?!? I grabbed the nursing shawl, threw it over the side of the car seat, leaned forward as far as my body could go buckled in over the car seat and gave her what she wanted. Ezzy was so disturbed and perplexed and shouted at the top of her lungs, “what are you doing momma?!?”. My mom kept the taxi driver talking and had no clue what I was doing in the back. Soon a tired, full baby was asleep and little 4 yr old girl was shown that you CAN nurse your baby anywhere and do exactly what God made your body to do no matter what limitations you are currently facing!

I was beyond angry at the taxi service, but then was informed of a horrendous car accident that had taken place on I-5, I heard a gentle voice say, “sarah, in my time, in MY time”. I thanked the Lord for his hand of protection, for the delayed taxi and for the safe arrival to our hotel.

We were met by Ezzy’s best friend Lexi and the girls soon found their hands entwined together and held their heads high as they walked to stores and restaurants with their matching masks. Ezzy’s heart was full knowing she had her friend there, a friend who is walking a difficult journey of her own, a friend who has made Ezzy not feel alone in this big world. You could see their smiling eyes peeking over their masks wherever we would go and their confidence amazes me.

Ya’el, Ezzy and Lexi were champs as we spent a day shopping in-between appointments. We dragged them all over Seattle, in and out of stores and everywhere we went their were giggles and smiles. We were able to enjoy special treats and experience a small dose of city life.

My mom informed me her hunger to live in the city was sufficed and no longer tugged at her heart, I on the other hand grieve and leave a little piece of my heart whenever I leave Seattle or Phoenix. This small town girl was made for city life…wonder when God will acknowledge that…

I was able to show my mom all the places we went and areas in the hospital we would circle when we lived there. I retold her stories of people, patients, nurses, and specific memories of moments that are permanently engraved in my soul. It is hard to not get sentimental when you walk through your trauma over and over. I just cling to the fact that we come and go and aren’t living there day in and day out. My mom blessed us on our trip, Ezzy needed her nana to distract her, play with her while I cared for a baby not in her environment. The first night they feel asleep holding hands…I totally got it and an thankful my mom loves my kids in a way more then she ever loved her daughters, which is an immeasurable amount of love.

Our final day of appointments was a typical day, 5 hrs of sitting in rooms, ushered here and there and getting arm pokes and throat cultures. My mom had to take ezzy for labs and told me that as she held our brave fighter on her lap, her hands soon were warmed with the sweat pouring from her little armpits. She didn’t cry, she didn’t fight, she did what she had to do and soon met me on the other side with her full tummy, sleeping sister. We closed out the clinic with some art therapy with Nana and thanked God we extended our trip one more day so we could go rest before our flight.

After labs I found myself fighting the need to be quiet and process all the information that was shared with us. I had other people relying on me to be present and I began to talk things out with my mom, super uncommon for someone like me who doesn’t speak until I have mentally worked things out…

You want to know what happened?!?

You want to know why we made prayer cards?!?

Our CF doc told us he considers Ezzy to be asymptomatic…this is HUGE news!!!! Meaning that yes, she does gets sick, yes she needs antibiotics from time to time, but she is not the normal Cfer. He told me that most kids have a baseline cough, tummy issues, and sickness. Ezzy doesn’t. She blew the best numbers they have seen on her pulmonary function test. After having quite a few bad gunky coughs this year, she has weathered them with no lung damage!!! Our GI doc a few days prior called her “chubby”, since most CFers are very thin and yet she is thin, I have been terrified of what very thin looks like. A lot of CFers have g-tubes because they can’t keep the weight on. My Ezzy girl can’t be compared across the board, she has been set apart, and finally I am ok that she is in a category that few are in.

We ran into a mom that has followed our journey thanks to FB, one that is having to walk a journey with her child and we shared battle wounds. Even though the battles are things we have had to endure with our babies, we still know deep within our souls that God was/is in them. As I shared with her the recent victory for Ezzy, I found myself saying that there is something different about her. How God has her called for a higher purpose, one that I still don’t understand, but one that he is using her story to glorify his mighty power. I have too many times put him in a box and he keeps breaking it to pieces. I told the mom that it doesn’t mean those that have lost the battle, those that are in it, or those yet to come aren’t being held by our maker, but that God is whispering it over and over again “Sarah she is MY child, I will take care of her”.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for her since starting school, those who put her on your daily lists when she entered the world sick and in need of immediate healing. Yet again I am realizing that Ezzy was made for this kingdom work, that through watching her overcome things that the world tries to claim over her, God is ahead of her saying “my child you are fearfully and wonderfully made”, go and show the world that through me All things are possible!

Well a week and a bit has passed since little miss Ezzy has been going to school. I am completely amazed and bewildered at the peace that has engulfed my heart since Sept. 2nd. I received texts, fb messages, and precious notes letting me know that Ezzy was being covered in prayer. I could envision a care package labeled “fragile” “handle with care” “urgent” “priority” being delivered on God’s door step every few minutes. As some of you know God went out of his way and delivered a message to me from a complete stranger, informing me that Ezzy was going to school in a “God bubble”. As a friend told me, my heart must be busting to realize how much God loves me, loves Ezzy to work in yet another mysterious way.

After meeting with Ezzy’s school to go over her 504 plan the teacher pulled me aside and thanked me for the letter I sent and told me to pick one thing to do everyday that Ezzy is in school. She said to especially do the things I/we have held back on because of Ezzy. My teared up eyes met her teared up eyes, we hugged and I left that meeting with a new perspective.

I was able to go to parent teacher night recently with all the other parents. The teacher spent her time informing us on how our littles spend their hours away from home. I loved to see how the kids were learning how to follow a routine and saw Ezzy’s coat hook and cubby filled with things from home. I realized in that moment that Ezzy had made herself a little piece of home and was staking her claim on her new found freedom. As I was bouncing the fussy baby in my arms in the hallway and straining my ears to hear the teacher talk, I came across a self portrait that Ezzy drew of herself.

I just chuckle and smile, especially at those round feet and toes! Richard and I think that she looks like Stitch! I’m saving this picture because it made me realize how much Ezzy needs someone else to hold her hand as she walks through life, someone to open her eyes to new things, and someone else with a big heart that loves to teach little minds. I have a special place in my heart for her teachers, knowing that they are doing EVERYTHING they can to advocate and protect her.

Today was one of those days were we got to tackle something we never get to do because of CF. Kyre couldn’t contain her excitement when we told her this morning she was going to go to the pool. Indoor pools are dangerous for CFers because there is a bacteria that lives in warm damp environments that is super hard to treat and it causes lung damage. So we have avoided the pool, only allowing cayden to take swim lessons from time to time. I found a swimsuit recently on the sale rack and stashed it away for our special date with Kyre. I had to pry said suit out of Kyre’s cheeto hands to pack it up, she held on to it so tight because I think she was so afraid that something she has been hungering for would be taken away.

We got the two girls ready and Kyre hoped up and down, up and down, saying “me swimsuit dadda, me swimsuit momma!!!” ,”me pool!!!!!”. Her shrieking decimals bounced off the walls and all Richard and I could do was smile at each other.

Our time in the pool was spent watching Kyre zoom down the slide, play with a rubber ducky, and swim with help from us. Her smile was tattooed on her face. Sweet baby Ya’el was a little shocked when we first got in the pool, but soon found joy in the ability to kick her little legs. Daddy pointed out that those cheeks of hers helped her head stay afloat and we soon found a sweet smile across her face.

Kyre was instructed to not rub it in Ezzy’s face when we picked her up from school because we didn’t want to make Ezzy sad. Kyre zipped her mouth and planned on holding on to her secret. Hers and Cayden’s short lives have adapted to making accommodations for their sisters feelings, sometimes more then they should I guess. Well, little miss inquisitive noticed that Kyre’s hair was wet and asked why. Kyre spilled the beans and had a sad face right after, knowing she had done exactly what she was told not to do. Ezzy’s heart crumbled, her face said it all and she leaned over and asked Kyre if she could smell her hair. I’m sure because she knew it was the closest she would ever get to the pill. I wanted to cry in that moment. All the joy that poured out of the four of us at the pool vanished in less then 1 minute. I felt remorse for being so excited to try something new with the two youngest, I was reminded how ugly and unfair CF was in that moment. But then I realized something so critical for our family.

We have to start navigating through the can’ts and cans of CF as a family. We have to start having conversations with Ezzy when life isn’t fair. We can no longer hold back her younger siblings. They need to have new experiences, special moments, dates with us that don’t revolve around the can’ts of CF. We have to learn how to let the kids how to figure it out with each other and stop covering for them. They need to be able to talk about it with her and vice a versa.

So with a heavy heart I held my tongue, let Ezzy and Kyre figure out how to work out a difficult conversation. Ezzy leaned over, smelled her hair, and said “hey mom guess what I did in school today?”

That’s right my girl, YOU have been built for this, YOU have been knitted together to handle the impossible, YOU have a higher calling, and YOU love your siblings so much and have told us countless times you are thankful they don’t have CF.

Thank you to those of you who lovingly go to God each day for our Ezzy. Thank you to those who check on this momma to make sure that I am ok. Thank you to those who have shared testimonies of when and how you pray for her! My favorite is the fact that I KNOW God created a bubble machine just for Ezzy, how could he not? When a child with selfless faith goes to God, you had better believe he listens! Could you add something new to the list?

Ezzy is really gunky, she has a runny nose and after talking to the teacher today, there are other runny noses in her class. A simple cold can go from small to detrimental for Ezzy overnight and sometimes just a few hours. She was winded and very tired after the short walk to school. My mind ran to the fear, but was met by the promise God delivered by the stranger last week. She is in HIS bubble. She isn’t my child,really, she is God’s child, which means that every part of her life he is caring for her, helping her become the beautiful masterpiece he has envisioned for her life.

I just rocked and sang your baby sis to sleep after the full on muttany you and Kyre conspired to do in the room next to her. I held Ya’el close, sang a song while she nestled into my shoulder. I had a flashback of sitting in Giraffe room 3005. It’s the room directly across from the nurses station, the second room on the right after entering the secured doors that only parents or caregivers with the bright orange lanyards have access to. Many a nights I held you, Ezzy May, in my arms, wrapped in a pink hospital blanket with a pink crocheted hat snuggly on your little head. Little did I know that hat which made one of the residents say you looked like a pilot would be the only article of clothing you could wear during your weeks in the hospital. Thanks to the wad of wires that stemmed from all over your body, the little tiny outfits I had packed to bring you home from the hospital in ketchikan weren’t even an option.

Am I in denial about the big day your little heart has been dreaming of…yeah, but denial comes in many different shades. I was frustrated that our time has so quickly ended, how it seems like just yesterday I cried quiet tears in the early morning hours while the monitors beeped, pleading for God to let me see you go to school one day. God put that memory, that picture of a broken hearted momma at her wits end on the big screen for me to see, there was no running from that memory. Then I heard a still gentle voice say “Sarah, do you realize I heard you?”

I wonder if I held you enough, told you that you can do ANYTHING your little heart desires. I wonder if I built you up with enough courage and bravery to stand up for yourself. Will you move away when you notice a classmate sniffle or worse cough? Will you remind your teacher that you need enzymes that one time a classmate’s parent brings in an unexpected snack? Will you be able to communicate “what” hurts when you don’t feel good?

Dr. Redding, aka Dr. Death as the pulmonology nurses call him, told us there would be one day that we would wake as your parents and CF wouldn’t be the first thing on our minds. With a bitter heart I disregarded those words and laughed at his premonition of us. How could that be? How could I ever wake up and not think about the two letters that have become part of our waking and sleeping moments?

Well, there is another side to what he said that angered me, he told us, better yet promised us that you would get sick, VERY sick, it was going to happen NO MATTER what we did to protect you.

Tomorrow is the day, in 11 hrs and 40 minutes you will be walking through the doors to your new life away from me. I have seen you light up and tell everyone you meet that you are going to school. You love to tell people that Lexi’s momma got you a Frozen back-pack. You have laid out your clothes for the last week and insisted on the bright pink tights to wear.

You also let daddy know that the mud caked black boots with rhinestones on them HAVE to go with the said outfit and have requested them to be cleaned. Those boots remind me of this summer, the tug and pull you and I had as I learned to let you play with the neighborhood kids away from my bubble I put you in day after day.

You have made sure everything is in order. You have rationalized it all, leaving me realizing that I am the one unable to accept what tomorrow means.

Sweet girl, tomorrow you are going with a hedge of protection, a God bubble as Dorica prayed for. We have passed out prayer cards and are sending more in the mail tomorrow. It was decided that daddy will be the one to drop you off, how out of the two of us, he is the stronger one, not by much, but the one you are less likely to pick up tangled emotions on. You and me, we have been on this journey, this challenging road together for 4 yrs, 9 months, and 6 days. I have caught you lost in your own world recently when the “talk” of school starts within our family or out in social settings. I wonder what is going through your head, your daddy and I have realized that you are all to aware of what is said and many times you comprehend adult conversations. You are older then your age in so many ways, thanks to CF.

My prayer for you Ezzy girl is that you go, not feeling alone, cut off from everything that has become your norm, but instead know that you have some big freaking guardian angels around you. That there is a peace encompassing your soul as you learn to live and grow away from your family, just like every other child eventually does. Tomorrow you are experiencing a right of passage that every child gets, aside from CF you will wake up tomorrow and get ready like every other “normal” child does. Go bodly my child, go with that smile that lights up your face and don’t lose that determination God has placed in you, the one that has created you to defy the odds, the prognosis specialists so easily give. Love your classmates unconditionally, amuse your teachers with your matter of fact statements, and better yet, let your light shine, tell people about the God you have known and had in your spirit since you were 3, the God you told me gave you “a map so that you could find him”, the God who gently and lovingly knit you together in my womb. Ezzy girl, tomorrow I pray I will rise with a joyful heart, exampled by yours, focused on the fact that you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made. Amen.

love momma