Gracie

I sat across from you yesterday and for what felt like eternity…I dug deep to those frantic, jumbled and tender memories of your tiny soul.  As pictures of your scrunched up little face, with piglet tucked in your arms from our Disney trip or the countless times I would find you in a princess dress and heels, I couldn’t fathom that you are 13.

I can’t help but wonder what you will say to your therapist one day, as you decompress the family of origin stuff that adults need to face, to find healing.  You are smack dab in the middle of 2 sets of siblings.  When I read birth order books, you yet again fit into the mold of the middle child, demeanor, attitude, wit…angst.  But something I think we take for granted is that you are the younger sibling of a child with a chronic fatal disease…which has shaped so much of who you are.  To top it off, you also had a mama that went from being home all the time with you, to me starting to work outside of the home, while working for the church and going to school.  

The gift I am learning is that looking at the formative years, they explain so much of who we are as adults.

I get a front row seat to watching you, Kyrene Grace, grow into a woman.  Not just any woman but an emerging woman that God sent my way to heal some of my wounds.

It is safe to say Kyrene, that you and I are different when it comes to expressing ourselves.  I wonder if you get frustrated at my calm tone when I am talking, because you speak with so much feeling.  When I need to tuck away and process inside myself, you on the other hand need to verbally say all the things, to find out how you really feel.  You love to perform and a crowd can give you life, I tuck away in my room most Sundays and recover like a true introvert does after being front and center.  You will boldly go up and say what needs to be said to someone, when I will fumble over my words.  Your compassion meter is ALWAYS up and running, when mine comes from daily surrender to God because my “suck it up buttercup” mentality can get the best of me.

In parenting you and your siblings, I have spent many hikes bringing you all to God.  I am painfully aware that I have wounds from my childhood that have shown up in my parenting.  I remember lamenting to God one day about the complexities of having so many emotional girls in the home. Being a person that tries hard to not ask people to manage my emotions ever.  On that hike, I heard a tender whisper.. “Sarah, I gave them to you, to heal you”.

The Lord recently showed me this, through an interaction with you.

It was a tense morning of delightful miscommunication with you.  You were operating at the best of your 7^thgrade brain’s ability and I was operating at my default rushed morning mood.  We collided.  You expressed loudly, I simmered inside.  The ride in the car was painfully silent.  Why would I describe the silence as painful?  As someone who LOVES silence, this was painful.  I was all too aware that I had modeled something that I wanted to break the generational cycle in.

Pride…my companion that comes when I am faced with admitting that I did something wrong.  My fear of being perceived as wrong is what will drive me to shut down and not say anything.

But then there was God…whispering, not shouting at me.  Inviting me, not demanding my compliance.  Leading me down a new path, instead of dragging me.

But then God gave me you, Gracie, to yet again learn what grace really means.

By the GRACE of God, I leaned into the painful silence.  I realized that I had caught you off guard, because you have grown accustomed to seeing me shut down, when your feisty self gets the better of me.  When I asked a clarifying question, regarding the situation that set the bomb off in our home, I soon realized that I was to blame.

I read into her words and tone.  I let my own junk cloud what she had tried to convey in the beginning of our interaction.

When I realized that I had misunderstood her.  I quickly apologized.  She then explained what was happening inside of her that caused her to communicate in the ways that she did.

When the ride was over.   Apologies were exchanged.  Eye contact was made.  I love yous were given, followed up with a hug.  But more than anything, that day Ky, I felt a piece of healing enter my heart.  I was met with Grace, when I admitted my shortcomings.  From you a child.

God was right, He gave me you and your siblings to heal wounds in me that have been around since my childhood.  

By Gods GRACE, He gave me you.  Someone who has been given the gift of discernment – who can see people beyond the outer shell and get to their core.  Someone that loves to be silly and laugh and I will often have to close your door when Junie is over because the volume you ladies hit is unreal.  Someone that already has the hunger for righteousness and studies your bible in the morning, because you have found that is where true strength comes from.

Kyrene Grace – we are so thankful for the unmerited favor that God has shown us, not just through giving us Jesus, but giving us you.  

Yesterday morning, I woke up with this song on my heart as I thanked God for the 13 years of life He has given us with you…

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin

Happy birthday 13th Birthday Gracie